Turning Point

My marriage is in crisis, friends. So much so that the word "divorce" has come up more times in the past few days that it has ever come up during the course of our 10 year marriage. We aren't sleeping in the same room, and he's even done a spreadsheet to plan out how we might be able to divide our financial responsibilities fairly. We've discussed how it will affect our son, how it will affect us, who would go, who would stay.

But the crux? Neither of us really wants to go. Neither of us really wants it to end. We're just so at a loss. We've tried counselors and so many other things. And still, here we are, fighting about all the same old things, making no progress.

At what point does it make better sense for all involved...emotionally, spiritually, mentally, physically...to move on and heal? Would we be better off? Would our child? Would we find what we are looking for in someone else? Would we be able to let go of each other?

Intense, scary questions, dear readers...if you're out there. Questions I never thought I'd be asking myself.

And because I'm really NOT ready to let my marriage go, I'm devoting my month of November to saving it. This is triage, folks...not romance...not sweet sentiments of gratitude for an already sweet and abundant life. This is an emergency. And breathing life into a slowly and surely dying relationship is hard and tearful work, which I'm not fully sure I'm up to.

I'm calling it 21 Days of Action...21 days of showing my husband and son that I can't live without them. One gracious and meaningful act every day. And sure, if it were my normal type of planning, I'd wait until November, but see...this can't wait. I'm in the middle of a hurricane, and the only way I'm going to keep this little boat from going under is to pray, to have a whole heap-ton of faith in the necessity of our love, and to row like hell, fighting even when it seem completely futile - which, believe me, it often does. I've given up a dozen times in my mind.

But, see, the thing is, something bigger than fear keeps me here. And that something is love.

Robert Frost's poem isn't necessarily about marriage, and most certainly not specifically about mine...but as a poem, it lends itself to personal interpretation. That's what's so perfect about poetry and why I love it so much - it can mean what we need it to mean, and we can find solace and inspiration there. Right now, I'm like the narrator, looking down two paths, focusing on the one that bends, overgrown and unattended. Why? Because the worn path is the path I've been on a million times, and it's not the right one. It's not leading me to the place I want to be. So, now, my only real choice is the path of the unknown, and it's a little frightening. I'm not sure where this path will take me...but right now, I have the choice of standing still and doing nothing, doing what I've always done before, or doing something totally different...even if it's wrong...even if it doesn't work...even if it leads me somewhere I don't want to go.

Sex in Marriage -- when talking about sex becomes a problem

We fight a lot about sex. In fact, it's almost the only think we fight about...because we can't seem to get on the same page with it.

And through all of our conversations over these years, my take-aways are starting to merge and become more defined, in a way that I think I may be starting to understand a few things about our sex life, our marriage, and what both of us need out of our time together.

#1; We don't have to be here. We have chosen this, and should consciously choose it every day. I think he's better at this than I am. He stays more focused on us than I do. My mind wanders, and when it does, I lose track of what matters. I get all hopped up on work and parenting and housework and forget that there are these beautiful things called love, happiness, and fun, right in front of my face...and that focusing on those things that add to my/our overall well-being is more important that getting shit done. Yes, we have responsibilities, but "Things which matter most must never be at the mercy of things which matter least." (Goethe)

#2: He experiences love and true connection (emotional and, likely, spiritual) through sex. He needs sex with me because it's what cements our relationship. I'm just now learning that the same is actually true for me. I think I need sex as much as he does, because it DOES deepen the connection. And the D/s aspect of it also deepens the connection for me in ways that a "normal" married sex life might not...most likely because it really makes me focus on the trust necessary for a D/s relationship to be successful. Oddly, I think, after reading Sex Again: Recharging Your Libido, that the author is right -- simply having sex might actually fix (or at least really help in solving) our problems.

We are a close couple. We talk about all kinds of stuff, but we've mostly stopped talking about sex because it hurts, causes anxiety, and just plain pisses both of us off. Doing it doesn't piss us off. So maybe doing it is where to start. Do now. talk later...  Just a thought.

#3: We both have to take active roles in "doing marriage" rather than just "being married." Once again, he's better at this, but we could both use guidance from each other on what those active roles should be.

After reading The Soulmate Experience, I'd say that we both take each other's actions too personally. When I don't initiate sex, he feels unwanted. When he feels unwanted, he becomes depressed. But my not initiating isn't always a matter of not wanting it. Likewise, when he doesn't do the jobs around the house I ask him to do, I feel slighted. But he isn't really avoiding chores because he takes me for granted. He avoids chores because he'd rather do other things. Something I could take a lesson from once in a while. Basically, we both probably need to take more responsibility for the things that we want from the relationship and our lifestyle and home. I'm not likely to change him. And he isn't likely to change me (though he feels I HAVE changed since we got married and that he has not).

#4: He needs "adventure" and I need "safety and romance." How best to blend those two? Trust is certainly a big part of it. Though I have to admit, I get bored and restless when things become too routine in my life. I feel like a hamster on a wheel going nowhere. But does my feeling of safety have to come at the price of boredom? Probably not. My concept of safety simply needs to be modified. If I trust him, I am safe, no matter what adventure he takes me on, right? The problem arises when I don't like the adventure, but he does. What then? Do I just go along because it's what he wants? See that's where we end up in trouble....and fighting. A big part of the problem is that we don't really understand each other's definitions of adventure and romance.

#5: He needs to feel wanted and I need to feel loved and cared for. Our biggest fights are about his not feeling wanted. The question always resurfaces..."Why don't you want me?" and my resounding answer, "What does that look like to you? What does me wanting you look like?" And then he gets mad because he feels he shouldn't have to explain it. I should just know. Because I used to know.

How is that two people who communicate perfectly well in every other regard can't seem to get their shit together when it comes to sex and intimacy?

At least we haven't given up.

Day 1: What can I do to take care of you today?

My favorite quote from the book:

"Sex is the physical acting out of everything that marriage is. We become vulnerable with one another. We become naked with one another completely--and that means real intimacy. We cherish each other. We protect each other. But we also have a ton of fun with each other."

Today's reminders...

• sex is supposed to feel great (which it does...we don't really have a problem there)
• I am supposed to have a sex drive (duh...I know...wish it was never a problem)
• I am supposed to feel aroused (and I am...sometimes...)
• sex with my husband is supposed to make me feel loved and feel like we are connected (and it does...95% of the time)

Today's questions...

1. On a scale of 1-10, how would your rate your sex life?

• physically?     (8-9)
• spiritually?     (7)
• emotionally?  (7)

2. What would a great sex life in each of these areas look like for you?

We already have it down pretty well physically, though some variety might be nice. I know he'd like it...though I have to admit, what really works...as in "what really gets the job done" is plain old missionary style. He's amazing at oral sex, and his technique in general is very good. He aims to please, and he's learned how to do just that. He knows my body like the back of his hand.

As far as the spiritual or emotional side of our sex life, I think that's where we've lost touch. And it's not just with sex. Because we have sort of fallen away from each other over the past few years (not in a major way, but enough to know that we've become complacent), our spiritual and emotional connection have deteriorated. 

That's where we need to work. Romance. Sweetness. Caring for one another. Not just sexually, but as lovers. And the best way for me to do that is to begin taking better care of him. I'm already taking better care of myself.

So this morning, I ushered him away from the coffee pot when he woke up and told him I'd make it. I put his clothes away and did the dishes (normally his job, but he was tired). I also bought him a nice bottle of scotch and a card to congratulate him on a promotion he earned yesterday. I also emailed him these same two questions so he could mull them over and maybe answer them, too.

My marriage mantra thins month is going to be two-fold: 

What can I do to make your day better?

and...

What can I do to take care of you today?

Building our husbands up

The other day, I was considering the role of a submissive wife. Now, I'm not Christian, and I don't follow the Christian precepts of submission. But, I do believe that my husband is the king of my world.

In the past few years, we've struggled, greatly, with our roles. Mainly because I haven't been fulfilling mine, so he doesn't now what role to fill or how. I've noticed that when I have a better idea of what I need from him, what I want from him, and the kind of husband I feel he should be, he finally "gets it." He becomes it. It's not that he's just sitting around waiting for me to define his identity. He's not. But his role as husband directly relates to my perception of his role as husband.

He's his own person, completely. As am I. But, I cannot be a wife by myself. I am only a wife in relation to my husband. We are yin and yang. One cannot exist without the other.

So...my point here is that for me to be happy with my husband's role, I have to know what I want that role to be. What do I want from him? What do I expect? And then I need to figure out what kind of wife that man would need...and become that wife.

He cannot do what he does not know. Therefore, while it is important to verbalize needs and desires, I think it is almost as powerful, if not more so, to create through example. If I want a strong husband, I need to provide opportunities for him to be strong. If I want a loving husband, I need to provide opportunities for him to be loving.

And if I do these things, and help him along with encouragement and natural reward (being the wife he needs and wants), we both benefit.

This is the foundation of a happy marriage.

How to make MY husband happy...

...because how I make HIM happy has to be tailored for his needs...and wants...

...and that's what it all comes down to: WANT.

He says to me last night (and a thousand times before), in response to my question, "What can I do to make you happier?"..."Want me! WANT to have sex with me!"

Easier said than done, love. I just wish he understood that.

But rather than review the excuses, I'm simply going to power on and continue looking for ways to keep this man happy.

Of course, his schedule is sort of a hindrance to our sex life right now. Coming home at 1:30 in the morning isn't conducive to normal sex life.

Just finished reading Sex Again by Jill Blakeway, LAc. I'll be reviewing it next...

Holding it together when all you want to do is scream

There are times when I walk into my house, after a busy day of constant needs and demands, ready to simply sit down, have a glass of wine, and be done with the day; but instead, I am greeted by chaos, clutter, unfinished chores....

Basically, I come home to find that my people have failed me. Neither have done a thing to make my life easier. In fact, they've simply created more work for me. More laundry, more crumbs, more papers all over the tables, more...more...more...

And I want to yell and scream and just plain shake them both until they get the freaking point and change their slovenly ways.

But, I don't.

Usually.

At least I try not to. I'm a work in progress here.

I usually suck it in. I clean up the house...angrily. I do the laundry. I take care of the dogs and cats. I do the best I can with what I have left in me at the end of the day. With my son, I delegate and demand that the fun cease until rooms are clean, homework is done, baths are had, and the living room is de-cluttered enough that I can find a seat on the couch and put my feet up. But when it comes to my husband, I tend to turn that disappointment...no - let me be honest here...the fuming damn anger...into pent up resentment over his constant "seeming" disregard for my needs.

Oh, he's got my physical needs down. Why? Because that benefits him. But my love languages are being completely ignored. Of the 5 love languages (based on the research of Gary Chapman), mine are "acts of service" and "quality time"...two things my man seems to have big trouble with. Of course, I'm not innocent here, either. His love languages are "words of affirmation" and "physical touch"...two things I have trouble with.

Why is it that two people, who love each other and seem to communicate pretty well on most levels, can miss the boat so completely when it comes to each other's needs?

Anyhow...I'm trying to salvage my mood right now and be positive. I'm trying not to be mean or accusatory. I'm trying not to start a fight or get all over my husband's case because he was down in the garage tinkering on a project while the house was a disaster.

See, he has 3 days off in the middle of the week. We usually have an agreement that he does more chores on those days because he works nights and doesn't really have time to do ANY on the other 4 days. I try to give him the benefit of the doubt. I try not to expect either my husband or my son to complete chores to the level that I would. I'm just happy when they put their laundry away (I don't care what it looks like in their drawers or closets). I'm fully aware that when they clean the kitchen, crumbs will remain and the counters will still be sticky in places. I know the toilet seat will perpetually be up. I've accepted that piles of gear will be strategically (or haphazardly, if we're being really truthful) throughout the house - on pretty much every surface. I get it. But is it too much to ask that they at least accomplish the few tasks that I put on a list for them each day?

Apparently.

So, how to go about tonight? How to find my inner peace and let my anger go? How not to suck it in and add it to my other disappointments? How to salvage my mood?

What I want to do is let him have it. But instead, I will breathe. In and out. Close my eyes. Unclench my jaw.

I will try to let it go. I will try not to take it personally. I will communicate my disappointment after I've calmed down. I will speak in a way as to not start a fight (i.e. "It makes me feel like I'm not valued when you leave the house in the state you did today before you went down to the garage.")

(P.S. And he just now tells me he has to work tomorrow so he won't be able to pick our son up from school, which means I may not be able to make my yoga class. Ugh. Breathe. Let it go. I can do this. I can do this...I can do this...)

(P.P.S. He just came up and kissed me and told me to come and get him out of the garage next time so he can help. He meant it. I could tell from his eyes. I'm not sure why he couldn't have done those things before I got home. I'm also not sure why it falls on me to come and get him so he'll remember to do things. But, I'll take it. He wants to help. An he WILL help if I come get him. I have to accept that he needs me to "guide" him more specifically when it comes to my household requirements. I suppose it is better that I understand that and move on, taking his help as he can offer it, giving him clearer direction and asking for what I need, rather than expecting him to just know it and do it.)

Okay, enough said.

On being a "secular" submissive wife

I've been married nearly 9 years. And though we've been defining ourselves as a couple (naturally and wordlessly, most of the time), we've come to learn a few things about ourselves.

1.  We choose to fall into standard gender roles. This isn't for everyone, and I wouldn't encourage anyone to take on gender roles (or any roles, for that matter) that do not help them to thrive.

2.  My husband is an alpha male. He is strong-willed and demands respect in a quiet and non-violent manner. I am his strong, female counterpart. When I am behind him, empowering him, he can be more successful, happier, and productive. His self-esteem rises, his self-image improves, and his confidence builds. When I am not behind him, he becomes moody...even angry, self-conscious, depressed, and weak in spirit and body.

3. I am a submissive wife. Not a submissive woman, mind you. I am submissive only to my husband, and only so far as it makes both of us happy. This submission is not religious. We are not Christian, and I do not prescribe to the Proverbs 31 lifestyle (though, I feel there is a lot to be learned from it (and I plan to research it in my next round of "35 Things"...though it will be "31 Things," obviously). This submission is sexual, psychological, and spiritual. He is my rock, and I am his core. We are like yin and yang, without one, the other can not be. And when one is weak, the other becomes so, too.

We've tried living the D/s lifestyle. We've experimented with "swinging." And we have yet to truly find something that works for us. Why? Well...because it's not in a book somewhere. And it's not clearly defined by society or religion. I can't just say, "I'm going to be a submissive wife...let me look that up on the internet and see what I have to do." I've done that research, and ALL of it is based in religion or BDSM.

My brand of submission is secular. And I suppose that since I can't find any information on it out there, I'll be defining it myself. Maybe, just maybe, that will help someone else who is in my same shoes.

So let's start here, with an explanation of "submission":

Full Definition of SUBMISSION

1

a :  a legal agreement to submit to the decision of arbitrators

b :  an act of submitting something (as for consideration or inspection); also:  something submitted (as a manuscript)

2

:  the condition of being submissive, humble, or compliant

3

:  an act of submitting to the authority or control of another

My husband and I DO have a legal agreement - as we are lawfully married. We were married by a judge, in a old schoolhouse, and we wrote our own vows based in Celtic hand-fasting tradition. We are both spiritual, though we do not define ourselves as Christian. I am basically non-denominational Pagan.

As for being humble or compliant...well, I'm neither of those things. Nor am I naturally submissive. I do not easily give in to authority or accept the control of others.

However, I'm learning something about myself, my husband, and how a man and woman interact. Or at least the may WE interact.

My husband needs me to NEED him. He needs me to support him, validate him, and make him feel like a man. What I tell him he is and encourage him to be, he can become. My belief in him is his power. When I put effort into building him up, he becomes stronger and more powerful. He also becomes more benevolent and feels more inclined to provide for me and "pamper" me.

I like to be taken care of. I like to feel protected and safe, in the arms of a man who loves and cherishes me above all else. When I build my husband up, he can do this. He WANTS to do this.

In this way, we are like a traditional D/s couple. I give my submission to him as a gift...one that can be taken away if he doesn't do his part to care for me. But, that comes with responsibility. I have to trust him. I have to accept his challenges to encourage me to grow spiritually and sexually. Through me and through his guidance of me and his protection of me, he becomes strong. Through him, and through my submission to him, I gain solace, because I can let go of fear. I can put my well-being in his hands.

Now, I know, there are thousands of women out there who would disagree with this whole "arrangement." And that's fine. It's not for everyone. But, I do feel we have lost something in our dogged battle for gender equality. We may be equal, be we are not the same.

In my marriage, we are both important decision-makers. I do not cow to him, and he does not force me to do his bidding. I allow him to take the reigns.

It's a lot of responsibility for him. A lot of pressure. And that pushes him to be a better man. He doesn't want to fail me or disappoint me. And so he rises to the occasion.

But when he cannot, it is not my place to berate him. It is my place to build him back up to a place of spiritual and psychological power.

And when I cannot, it is his obligation to console me, support me, and guide me back to a place of serenity.

Like any marriage, we have our own set of problems. And right now, our problems basically stem from our inability to define and live our natural dominant and submissive roles. I resist too often, which weakens him and weakens our connection. I push back, and he stops pushing altogether. He becomes weak, and I become disillusioned, disappointed.

When he is at his peak...his most powerful, I find him irresistible...in all ways. And I "behave." I want him...and I want to please him, because pleasing him makes him more powerful...and more irresistible.

When I'm on my best behavior, he wants to care for me...provide for me...pleasure me...spoil me.

When he is weak and I am ill-behaved...we are a mess.

And that's where we are right now.

So, how to get back to "good"? Well, "behaving" is a good start. Being a good wife. Doing the things that I know make him strong and happy.

Initiating intimacy is one way. And I'm proud to say that I not only wanted to, but did, last night. He's on swing shift and doesn't get into bed until nearly 2 a.m., but I did it anyway. And he immediately rose to the occasion. When I "play my part" well, and willingly...he "plays his part" equally well. And we are happy.

I love my husband, and since I want to save my marriage, really focusing on becoming the wife he needs is paramount. It isn't about losing myself, or being subjugated. It isn't about being a slave or being "less than." It's about being powerful force of feminine energy to compliment the male energy that flows through him. It's about being a goddess and knowing that what you say and do can make or break the man that you love.

3 steps forward, 6 steps back

Ugh...Just when I feel like I'm getting ahead - he throws a monkey wrench into the works. All the effects of my acupuncture appointment just went right out the window. I just tense up and everything in me gets hard and jittery when he pushes me to have a conversation we've had a bazillion times....right. before. bed.

I swear I must completely be missing something, because I feel like I'm "geting it." I'm reading up on it, I'm practicing concepts, I'm writing and really thinking about what's going on in our marriage, I'm going to doctors and using supplements and hormones, making our marriage and sex life a priority, and then...

He basically tells me he's unhappy and it feels like I'm doing nothing.

So, yeah...maybe it FEELS like I'm doing nothing. And apparently I have to do a better job of tracking things...when we have sex, when I feel desire, when we argue about it, why, what was said, by whom, when, why...

Because he's a master of pulling up the past. He's detail-oriented and never forgets anything. I'm "big picture"...the details are always muddy, and what happened 3 weeks ago feels like it happened yesterday- so I suppose I have no sense of time, either.

The two of us arguing would be comical, if I weren't one of the people involved.

I have to be honest, though. I'm tired of repeating myself. And I'm tired of hearing the same complaints out of him.

And when does he feel the need to bring it up? At 11 last night when I finally crawled into bed, exhausted. Fabulous timing, eh?

His complaint isn't the lack of sex...or my lack of desire...but how I show (or don't show) my desire. Apparently, I have to bluntly say, "I want you"...or..."I'm tired - I want you - but I'm too tired right now." I have to speak my feelings more. Okay. I can deal with that. I can try harder there.

But as far as his interest in involving other people (yes, we did a bit of "swinging" for a few years)...I think he's still hanging on to the hope. He wants to have an open relationship, and I don't. And the fact that I even experimented with it a few years ago has led him to believe that there is still hope. But when I say there isn't, he pouts.

I tell him I should never have even experimented, because it gave him false hope. This just makes him pout more.

He also seems hung up on the fact that it "seemed like I enjoyed myself." I've tried to explain that I wasn't lying. I enjoyed myself from time to time because I enjoyed how happy it made him. For me, it was mostly disappointing. A bunch of men who didn't know how to please me (or didn't care). A bunch of in-organic experiences that felt forced and fake, planned and awkward.

Really...swinging is an introvert's worst nightmare.

I'm not against organic, multiple couple experiences. I'm not ashamed to say I'm bi-sexual. I'm also not afraid to say that I'm attracted to people other than my husband. I don't have any problem with sexual experiences outside of marriage, as long as they are agreed upon. But, the difference between our thoughts on this are huge. I'm more of a "once in a blue moon" kind of gal when it comes to this. Whereas, he's a "let's do this daily and make these people our best friends" kind of guy. Problematic, to say the least. Basically...I think he's polyamorous. I'm not. I don't want to love anyone but him. I just don't mind occasional sex with others.

Okay. Enough of that for tonight. I'm exhausted. And tired of thinking about it. So, it's time for another glass of wine. His schedule changes tomorrow...and suddenly, I'm going to be sans husband for four nights a week (mainly my weekend). Yay. Not. This whole shift work thing does nothing for our marriage.

And we don't really need any more shit in that area of our life.

Yay for change, right?

What is my concept of submission?

It's something we've played with for years. Actually, I probably shouldn't say "played with," because honestly, it's just always been there. He's always been a dominant soul, and it's part of what drew me to him. His quiet confidence. His predatory sexual nature (and I don't say that in a deviant way, but rather in a hyper-masculine "alpha male" sort of way). I love that he can bend me to his will...that I let him bend me to his will.

In most other regards, I'm not submissive. But with my husband, it is such an undeniable turn on to have him hold me down, pull my hair, tell me what to do. He can breathe a directive in my ear while I'm doing dishes, and it's like the heat of his words just melts down my neck and pools in my clavicle, dripping the hot wax of his intention between my breasts.

Too hot? Maybe.

But, my point is, he has the power to really do a number on me.

When he's not feeling confident about our relationship, though, his ability to do this kind of peters out. His confidence falters, and my passion for him, sexually, falters as well. He becomes angry and hurt...and hence, weak, in my eyes.

I'm being honest here. Painfully, maybe. But, when my husband isn't in his sexual element, he isn't sexy to me.

However, when he is in his sexual element, I've been known to orgasm before he has hardly touched me. TMI, I know...but you wouldn't be here reading if you weren't ready for this. So no judging, okay? How else am I supposed to be totally honest with you?

So, how do I get that all the time. You'd think it would be easy, right? Just let him be dominant all the time, give in to his demands, let him have control. But...ah ha! I'm a control freak, too! So how does a control freak manage to also be submissive (intentionally and by choice) to an alpha male/dominant?

Because I promise you, this is no Fifty Shades of Grey. This is real life. This is marriage. This is sexuality with a bit of an edge but couched deeply in a loving relationship. This is not about violence or pain or power. This is about taking our right places beside each other and fulfilling our deepest, most spiritual roles. When I am submissive to him, at least sexually, I feel safe, protected...like a weight is being taken off of my shoulders.

But, in the past, there is always something that has gotten in the way...and that's what I need to figure out. Mentally, emotionally, spiritually, physically I know that submission is the right path for me in my marriage. But there is something that keeps me from giving it all to him. Fear? What am I afraid of? That he'll push me beyond my limits? That he'll make me do things I don't want to do? Isn't a large part of agreeing to submission also trusting that the dominant has your best interests at heart and will not do anything to harm you? Because that really what it's about. Trusting someone so completely that you are willing to let them take you and do with you what they will. But being a submissive also means putting the dominant first. It means doing things that you know will make him happy and will build his confidence and make him a good lover. Simply being a submissive doesn't allow you to let the dominant do all the work. And that's where I think I've gone wrong in the past.

I've been a selfish lover. A selfish submissive. And that just can't happen. It can't be. It doesn't even make sense.

So, there. That's my conundrum.

So what should submission look like in our world? I know I want him to have complete control in the bedroom. And I know that he won't take advantage of that. Our brand of D/s doesn't involved dog collars and punishment and subjugation (not that I deny others this if it's their thing). It is more a spiritual intention for us than a physical show of force. His dominance is psychological, not abusive or irresponsible. And it is welcomed, sought after.

I know for some, who have no concept of D/s, this explanation is not helping. And I implore you, if you are so inclined, and interested at all, to do your own research and build your own model. D/s is a very individualized thing.

I want to hand him my submission...as a gift. And I want to mean it. I truly do.

He's coming home...

Devin has been out fishing with his buddies since Wednesday.

I won't lie, it's been nice a quiet around here since he left. The house has pretty much remaind clean, I haven't had to do so much housework. It's been quiet at night - no arguing - so pressure. 

He comes back today...sometime in the evening...which means piles of smelly laundry that will be heaped on the kitchen floor, reeking of fish and driving the pets crazy. It means dishes coming in from the trailer, sheets to be changed, and a garden view blocked by a trailer parked in the driveway again. 

And it means the "issues" are coming back. 

But. Yes...there's a "but." I'm glad he's coming home. I miss him when he's gone...after the first day or two. I miss his twisted humor and his warmth at night. 

I don't miss his snoring or the fights. But, I love my husband enough to keep trying. 

So today, I'll continue reading my current book and continue writing in my sex journal (see the sidebar for links). And I'll get the house ready for his return. I'll pick up my son from grandma's, and I'll try to relax as best I can. 

After all, it's a beautiful day here in the Pacific Northwest. Best to remember that.

Foreplay?

Ahhh...foreplay...it should be a hell of a lot more important to some of us than it is. And when I really think about it, it's probably the most necessary part of sex for me (and a lot of women). It's where I get my head into the game. Because if my head ain't in the game, my body isn't likely to follow. In the early stages of a relationship, lengthy, creative, drawn-out foreplay usually isn't required. After all, you're usually thinking about this person incessantly, and thinking about them will often lead to spicy thoughts about what you want to do to them later.

I used to have that. When I met my husband I was completely hot and bothered. I found him so irresistibly sexy I could hardly contain myself. I even remember a few "booty calls"...feeling that burning need to touch him, be with him, devour him.

So where did it go?

I think it got lost in pregnancy, recovering from a partial hysterectomy (both mentally and physically), depression, work, raising a child, and complacency. Boredom seems to have set in, in more ways than one. And my own loss of passion for life has bled over to a loss of passion for the people I hold most dear. I know that, ultimately, I'm at the wheel here, and that I can steer it which way I want to go.

It's gotten to the point where D. has even said, "If you need to go and be somewhere else for awhile, do it. I don't want to keep you here if you need that kind of freedom." But the thing is, the notion of leaving makes my insides boil. It makes me physically ill. Maybe a little of it is fear, not only of losing what I have, but also that maybe I'd actually be happier if I did go. Marriage and family is a choice I made, though. And while leaving might be the easiest way to make the pain stop, it isn't what I want. I love my husband and son. No matter how hard this is, it's worth fighting for. And I'm beginning to see (call me hard-headed...I don't know why it's taking me so long) that sex is really the "golden key."

Sex isn't just sex. At least not for my husband...and not for my marriage. Maybe for some people and couples it is. But for my husband, it's how he connects with me. It's not a completely new concept to me. He's told me before, in lots of different ways. And as I piece together all the bits of information he's provided over the past few years during our arguments (let's face it, I'm not at my most receptive when I'm defensive and angry), I've begun to truly let the message sink in.

Last night, I began writing in this journal that I bought for us...Sex: an Erotic Journal for Sexual Inspiration and Exploration. The first topic was Kissing. It involved a few prompts, including "What makes a good kisser?" and "Describe your most memorable kiss." The second topic (which I'm on today) is Foreplay, hence why I'm writing about it here. Anyhow, last night, I brought up the idea I'd had when I gave the book to D. for his birthday last month...that we could both write in it and read each other's responses. I hoped we might not only use the book to spark some ideas, but also to connect a bit...on a cerebral level. He seemed game for it then. But when I reminded him last night, he seemed less thrilled. Almost like he thought it was trite. He, of course, said okay. That he'd do it. That this is what I needed to feel connected, but it's not what he needs.

And he's right. It's not. I need the mental connection. He needs the physical connection.

And foreplay is the key to both of our needs. So maybe it isn't so much the sex/lack of sex that is the problem. Maybe it's the loss of good foreplay. Or not even the loss (since we didn't really used to need it), but rather the need for it now. We're only just past the "7 year itch." I guess this is when the harder work begins, right?

So, let's get to the question then...

"Typical" foreplay? We seem to have gotten rather boring in that regard. Honestly, it's maybe some kissing, maybe a back massage, maybe a few naughty texts throughout the day.... We've gotten to the point where jumping right in is the name of the game. Same strategy every time. And I'm as much to blame for this as he is.

I'm creative in many regards...hell, I'm not even a half-bad writer of erotica. But, for some reason, I'm just no good at creative "foreplay." D. has tried. Lots of times....intricate role-playing games (the naughty professor...), toys, blindfolds, tying me up. I've liked some it...not all of it. But, somehow, he's gotten the feeling that all of his efforts have been unappreciated. And since I don't come up with any of these ideas on my own, it all has sort of fallen by the wayside...which has put a pretty big roadblock in the middle of our sex life.

Rather than asking why, though - because really, that just comes down to complacency - I think it is more important to just figure out ways to fix the problem. And if the problem is lack of foreplay, then there has to be some brainstorming about what makes good foreplay, what I need in it  and from it, and what ideas I can use "right now"!

I already have identified that our current "foreplay" is lackluster at best. So, what makes good foreplay?

I guess the element of anticipation is really the goal. That build up, over short or long periods of time. The mind games that actually affect our physiology and make our bodies hum with a need that can only be filled by the person playing that game with us. So anything that makes me focus on him and our sexual connection is good foreplay.

There are the same old ideas I've heard (or tried) a million times:

Put naughty notes (or coupons or little stories) in the pockets of his uniform.
Text him a picture of one of these notes instead.
Send him pieces of an erotic story over the course of a day...sort of like tweets.
Do a virtual strip tease (text him photos throughout the day).
Whisper naughty things in his ear while he's cooking dinner.
Blindfold him.
Massage him.
Have a shower of a bath together.
Strip tease.
Masturbate for him.
Meet him at the door in lingerie.
Watch porn in bed.
Role play.

Some other places for ideas:

The perfect marriage

Honestly? Well, I want a lot of what I already have. But if I were to describe the "perfect" marriage, it would be and have...

1. Two people who are deep and true friends who love each other and put the other before themselves

2. A partnership, where both people take on equal, though separate, roles

3. Passion...for each other and the things that matter to each other

It's really that simple. I suppose I could go into detail...what does "friendship" look like? It means enjoying each other's company, making each other laugh, supporting each other in times of emotional need, giving each other advice and being each other's sounding board. True friendship is true love...a place where both people trust the other implicitly and know each other as well as anyone could (there are always parts of us that are a mystery...sometimes even to ourselves).

A partnership? That's pretty easy, too. It means both people are an equal part of a team. They know what role they play and support the other person at all times. They talk and plan and organize together, making goals, celebrating successes, and dealing with losses or frustrations together. A partnership isn't necessarily perfect. But, it involves a lot of discussion and "going back to the drawing board." It means knowing your "position" and holding up your end of the bargain. I hadn't really thought of it this way. And though I believe that we have a pretty strong partnership...this does seem to be a possible weak spot now that I really define it in detail.

Do I feel supported by my husband? Yes. And I feel we are the very deepest and truest of friends. We love each other and do, indeed, have a partnership where both of us are equally important and necessary. Our problems are 2 (apparently) and 3 (mainly). And I can't figure out if that's just my problem or what. Because I do have passion for things. I just haven't had passion for my marriage for some time. And I think that can mostly be attributed to our constant bickering, discussing, debating, fighting, and my avoidance of the topic of SEX.

Way back when...what is it that made me feel PASSION for him? He was new. He was hot. 

So why lose passion when he's not new...or is less hot (because, let's be honest...so am I)? Because I've gained a lot with the loss of "new" and "hot." We have a secure home, a family, and while we don't have much disposable income, we CAN afford to do things every once in awhile.

I suppose the passion must be created. Much like an ember in a fire, it needs to be stoked and encouraged and fanned...given a new breath of life. And after some work, we can sit back and admire it and enjoy its warmth. Of course, it'll weaken again and need more attention. But isn't that the case with all things?

I think the reason I have renewed passion at work is that I have time away from it. I can reignite my passion during breaks, after books I read, after workshops or conferences. I suppose if I had periodic breaks from my husband and family and went to workshops on how to improve it, it would be a lot like it is at work. However, unlike work, I can't turn off "home" or "marriage" or "family." There is no "break" from it. It's always there.

Maybe I should find a "retreat" or build in some "breaks"...no matter how short. And workshops? Well, I'm sure they exist. It's just a matter of finding the ones that actually work and that I can afford. This whole "life coaching," "marriage coaching," "counseling" thing is expensive as hell.

I suppose I'll be using spring break to do a bit of reading and journaling. I'll look around for coaches/counselors and workshops. We'll see.

A Beautiful Mess

Is it really "falling out" of love? Or is it complacency? 

I think it's the latter. It's just easier NOT to do the hard work of BEING "in love." And we're both guilty of it. 

Sometimes I truly believe I HAVE fallen out of love with Dev. But then there are times (that prove me completely wrong) when I realize that I have not. When I ask myself the question "could I live without him?" or when I consider the true implications and repercussions of leaving...what my life would be like not falling asleep beside him every night, not waking up with him there, not having him to fill up the space in this house. 

Of course, I've thought of the other side, too....am I just too scared to let go because it would change my life too much? Am I afraid of the difficulty of divorce, the loneliness, the work of starting over? Yes. But those are not the only reasons I don't want to leave.

Mainly, I find myself content. Because of my issues with depression, I'm not always "happy" with my world, and sometimes it completely falls apart. But, I'd say I'm at least content 70-75% of the time. There are things I wish I had, sure...a bigger house, more money, more time to myself, the ability to travel...but, overall, I know I am blessed and have way more than a lot of people. 

But, it's this "contentment" that may be the opiate holding me down and taking the air out of me. I need something (and not the fear of loss) to boost my passion for life - not just my husband. I need something new, even if it's just a state of mind. I need to learn how to see the world more positively. I need simplicity to calm the stress. I need to hack away at the to do list that overwhelms me. 

My home needs to be my haven, but it's also where I work my hardest, play my hardest, face my demons, heal, and love fiercely. 

I guess that's just it, right? Shifting my perspective to see the beauty in the mess...this abstract painting that is my life.

Up close, it's a mess, but from a distance (and with the right perspective), it's beautiful. 

The viscious libido cycle

So I'm reading this book...Sex Again, and the groundbreaking advice so far...if you have a low libido, have sex, it'll bring it back. Funny thing...not having sex makes you not want to have sex. And having more sex...well...it may make you want to have sex more often. It's not a new concept. Believe me, I'm not clueless enough to think that avoiding sex will make me want it or that having sex helps.

The hard part is starting, when you haven't for awhile. The worry of judgement or suspicion (from him)...sort of like "why now?" or "really...what's changed?" The inevitable "conversation" if things don't go well. The disappointment. And because that's where I am right now, just initiating sex can be a struggle. It's just easier not to. But...that whole "fake it till you make it" idea can work, if both parties will let it. My quandry is getting the DH to accept that the sex might not be stellar at first...but atleast it's sex, right? I suppose bad sex is better than no sex if you're objective is to get back in the habit.

The whole premise of the book (so far) is that Chinese medicine addresses all parts of a person at the same time, rather than trying to remedy one thing at a time. It asserts that a human being is an interconnected organism in which all parts interact equally. To address a low libido, one must consider health, mood, sleep, diet, relationship issues, etc. And, according to the book, you can really start anywhere. If you address one thing, it will affect the others. It just depends which one you want to focus on first. And since sex is usually the biggest concern in a marriage where one partner has a decreased interest...it seems natural that this is the place to start.

So I bought...

I bought the journal with the intention that both of us could write in and maybe learn a thing or two that we didn't already know. Plus, just the sharing of all those intimate details has got to stir up some feelings, right?

And, since I'm so not creative in the realm of sex, this little box of cards will hopefully do the trick. I thought I'd stick one in his lunch tomorrow. Just for fun. You can also just shuffle the deck and let the cards fall where they may. The cards are two-sided, so I suppose you could chose between the two options.

I don't know...could be fun.

A bird in a cage

I've been in a deepening pit lately, trying hard to keep myself from falling any deeper. It's probably no surprise that I struggle with depression (so does my husband). So when we begin to spiral (triggered by an argument or fight), we have a tendency to create a whirlpool that sucks us down. So I'm writing from the bottom of a dark well right now.

The thing is, I know there's a way out (though I don't know what it is), and I see light at the top, so I suppose there's at least some feeling of hope. But, denial keeps me from making it out more than half-way. Or maybe it's complacency. Or maybe it's a lack of caring. I just have to be honest.

Last night, I think our "fight" got to the roots (or at least a few of them) of the problem.

1. He's more committed to fixing our relationship.
2. I feel trapped.
3. We need outside help.

So, there you have it. We love each other. And yet, here we are, like hundreds of other couples, proving that love isn't enough. 

Our parents are still married after 40+ years, so it isn't like we both aren't completely aware that marriage takes mass amounts of work. But, I suppose this is when...9+ years in, we have to make a decision. Is it worth fighting for? He certainly believes it is. And I want to believe it is. But, I don't know that my mind is convinced. And I'm not sure my heart is still in the game. In fact, it's gotten to the point that I'm avoiding sex because I know it will just be a disappointment to him (because it doesn't happen enough and it's not adventurous enough). Of course, this puts more distance between us and doesn't help in the "desire" department, at all.

So...I suppose it's time to go beyond the books and make an appointment. The thing is, I'm skeptical. I don't want to sit in another office, bare my soul, hang all my dirty laundry out to dry, and then have this "professional" ask me what I want to do about it, or what I think about it. I want direction! I want a coach, not a counselor. But, we live in a small town, and this just isn't available to us.

I'm on the hunt. Because, ultimately, even though I'm unhappy...I don't think I want a divorce. I am a bit afraid that I don't want a divorce because it's hard...and because I don't want to be a single parent or go through the hassle of selling the house or dividing up our stuff or living on less money. Those are probably the wrong reasons to not want a divorce. But, right now, they head the list. My husband is my friend, and I don't want to hurt him, but I can honestly say (though I love him)...I'm not in love with him.

I just breathed in deeply there. It's hard to admit that. It's hard to admit that I'm not happy with him or with our life.

And now begins the hard work of figuring out what the "f" I want. He asked me last night, and all I could do was hand him my trusty, old "I don't know," which is beginning to drive him crazy. But, I truly don't know. I truly don't know what I want from him or from my life. All the things I want seem so out of reach. I'm shackled by debt and responsibility, a job, a child...all of the choices I've made upt to this point. Even my parents have moved nearer to be close to us, so it's not like I can just leave. 

And the scariest part of our conversation last night, though we didn't explore it, is how quickly and firmly he put down the idea of me taking our son if we divorced. He seemed willing to accept my leaving, if that was what I needed to find happiness. But when I said, I couldn't do that, because I didn't want to take our son away, he said, I wouldn't take our son away. 

Okay...so I see how it is. Let the bird fly and be free, Don't keep her in a cage, but if she can't learn to love her cage, or modify it to make her happy, she isn't taking any of it with her.

So, I guess I'm staying. Which means we're going to have to do some hefty redecorating.

I like this, because I fear, like these birds, I might be my own cage. I made it myself, bar by bar...so I suppose I have the power to unmake it, as well, right?

For better or worse...

Yes, I've obviously been away from the screen for awhile. This happens from time to time. Admittedly, since this here is about TMI, anyway (otherwise, how are you supposed to base your belief in my authenticity as a "very flawed but well-intentioned wife"?)...I struggle with depression. AND, the DH and I have been on the low lately. We both seem to follow the same emotional cycles, and we are very drawn in to each other's moods. He gets in a funk (and it's usually a combination of his own issues with depression and his disappointment with our sex life), it is painfully obvious to me, I inquire, he divulges, we fight or argue or debate or just generally have a crappy conversation (no yelling necessary to make a person feel like all hope has been lost...in fact, sometimes, the quieter and calmer the discussion, the more imminently doomed things are), and there we have it - the air is rife with tension. We then both wander around each other for a few days, trying to get our bearings again, no matter how tenuous. And whichever one of us pulls our head above water first, reaching down to pull the other up, or just getting into the life boat on our own, draws suspicion or judgement from the other...sort of like, "How can you just be fine after our conversation the other night?" or "You're in denial...you live with your head in the sand."

This time, interestingly enough, it's him. We have this ugly talk, and the next day, I'm in a total funk. He asks if I'm mad at him. I just sigh, deeply and inwardly to myself because I don't want to start in again. No, I say, I'm not mad at him, I'm just tired. Really, really tired of having the same conversation over and over again.

He reminds me that he loves me. I tell him I know. But inside, I know that may not be enough, even though he thinks it is.

Some days, I'm hiding just behind "How are we ever going to survive this?" Sometimes it's more than just days.

So, there you have it...my last 3 weeks. And now, I'm going to try to get myself back on track, mentally, emotionally, and physically.

New moon, and all, folks. Some us us are just a tad more susceptible.

I'll do better...simply writing about my marriage, our struggles, and trying to discern, through introspection, what is going wrong and how to deal with it best helps me on a daily basis. My hope is that if someone else stumbles across my words, he or she might feel some connection and maybe garner some hope or at least validation.

So, here I am...for better or worse...