Day 29-31:31 Days to Great Sex

Chapter 29: There a good message here that we've always abided by, though maybe not for the reason of creating a haven for sex. Keeping your bedroom free of mess and electronics and work makes sure it remains available for the purposes of relaxation, sleep, and yes, sex. I'm going to throw one of the topics from chapter 30 in here, too, because I think it belongs...children shouldn't be sleeping in your room (unless you share one because you have little space in your home...and that's a whole different issue). We moved our son out of our room by 3 or 4 months. As soon as he was sleeping through the night (at least 5 hours). It's amazing how much better you sleep when your every muscle isn't plugged in to the needs of another being. Having those little beings in your room is also not conducive to reuniting with spouse at night.

Chapter 30: Parenting and sex? Yah, the two don't mix well. And it doesn't matter what age our kids are. Obviously, they take up a lot of our time when they are small, and they need more from us. And even though they go to bed early, we're too frigging tired for sex when they do. When they are a little older, they can be nosy. When they are teenagers, they stop sleeping so soundly through the night, and often stay up later than we could ever hope to. So, we are always going to have find ways to find space and prioritize our marriage. She makes a good point that many of us tend to focus on our children, leaving little for our spouses. But, in the long run, our children NEED us to focus on each other. It's almost MORE important to focus on our marriages when we have children because now others are depending on our marriage to be solid and safe. She also give good advice to parents with teens. Be honest about what you're doing. You don't need to go into detail, but giving them a hint..."You don't want to be wandering the halls after 9 pm...so make sure to stay in your room after that time." They will get the hint...and even if it's embarrassing, it models a good relationship and shows them that your marriage is doing well. She ends the chapter with these sage words, "...remember that your marriage comes first, and children will not be scarred by learning that their parents are still hot for each other."

It's important to carve out time to be together. Scheduled date nights can be something to look forward to. Just small moments at home...the time after the kids go to bed...early mornings before they wake up...whenever!

Chapter 31: The final chapter is about celebrating how far you've come. AND about not falling into old patterns. This little excerpt has happened in our home more than once:

And for a few nights, things go wonderfully. But then one night she's extra tired and she has a headache. She wants to go to sleep. He thinks to himself,"Oh, great. Here we go again. She said she wanted change, but she won't. It will never last." And he gets angry. She knows he's angry, and she thinks to herself, "He doesn't care what I've done all week. This really is all he thinks about!" And they're back to old patterns.

It's a vicious cycle, and a fight we've had a dozen or more times. I try something. It's not enough. I feel like he doesn't care about my efforts. I pout and shut down. He gets mad. Sometimes, though, we get lucky...like now, and we've got momentum. The idea is to keep that momentum going. I've chosen to go the D/s route. He likes it...it keeps my mind in the game at all times...it puts him in charge of most of the ideas and initiation...and it takes a load of stress off me. Basically, it's a win win. And I like him better when we do it. He "becomes" the man I married. He regains his confidence and exudes power. I like that.

So, anyhow, here we are...at the end of the book. Time for something new!

Day 26-28: 31 Days to Great Sex

So, day 26-31 is all about setting up the habit of great sex. I can honestly say, however, that this book has not really changed any of my habits or mindsets. Sure, there have been some little nuggets of wisdom (nothing new to me, mind you)...little reminders of things I know I should be considering on a regular basis. But, overall, this book truly seems to be written for women who are completely naive about sex...and men.

Don't get me wrong -- I'm guilty of some of the things she brings up in this book. But I was aware of my faults before I read it.

It is easy to fall into the sexless marriage. She's right about that. And it's hard to heal one. She's also right about that. But...all the ways she brings up to fix it? I already knew them. So, I suppose her book served as a catalyst in some regards, and that's good, right. But, ultimately? This book is for a particular audience; one made of women who have low self-esteem in the bedroom and lack knowledge about sex and pleasing their spouse.

That being said...

Chapter 26 is about frequency (she suggests 2 times per week, minimum, but encourages readers to discuss what is optimal for them and their spouse).

Chapter 27 reviews the "quickie" and gives a few pointers (really? we need pointers?).

Chapter 28 discusses initiating sex...especially for the "lower libido spouse." Yep, that's me. And this chapter is pretty much spot on. She mentions that we need to feel as if our spouse wants to have sex with us and isn't just "going through the motions" or "letting us." She says, "His most basic need...is not to actually have sex. It's to feel as if he's wanted." The one line she shares in this chapter that hit home was, "How can I force myself to want it?" because...I've actually said that several times. She doesn't really answer the question. She simply says, Do It....I suppose she assumes the wanting will come naturally after that. I'm not buying it. But...I guess it's better than giving up, right?

Days 23-25: 31 Days to Great Sex

Did she seriously just say that? "...married Christians enjoy sex more than those who aren't married..."

WTF?!!!

So, I'm married. But it's not marriage that made my sex life better. It's a long term relationship with a man who makes me feel comfortable and works hard to make sure I find pleasure in sex. Number 1...you don't have to be Christian to like sex. Number 2...you don't have to be married. I liked sex before I was married. I like it now.

So here statement is not only misinformed. It's naive.

I also don't believe that sexual exploration needs to necessarily be risky or pornographic. Nor do I feel pornography necessarily cheapens intimacy. It really depends on the relationship two people have.

Seriously, I'll just be honest her for a second. My husband and I have explored all kinds of things together. We've tried being "swingers," we've watched porn, we've found D/s and tried to make it our own. And every thing we try brings us closer together. Because we try it together...with the sole purpose of stretching our boundaries and making each other happy.

Porn is also NOT morally wrong to everyone. So saying it is is simply being judgmental. I have an issue with her book here, too.

But...

Her FUN ideas on day 25 are pretty good, I have to admit. I like them. Interesting ways to use dice and drawing slips of paper with each person's fantasies or likes (instead of relying on a prepared game that may not actually address your real desires).

Day 22: 31 Days to Great Sex

So I completely disagree with this whole chapter. It's the first time in the book where I've truly had to say that this woman's lack of credentials really shows. I mean, we can all give advice...even good advice that people will pay for (hence this book...and my purchase of it). But, at some point, someone is probably going to question our professional background if we haven't pointed it out upfront.

I notice quite a few "self-help" blogs and books out there, written by well-meaning "housewives" and bloggers, that go a bit beyond the boundaries of their "training." It's one thing to share a personal experience and reflection. It's another to suggest others do something, especially if you have no education to back up your suggestions.

I can look past the Christian aspects of this book and still find validity and usefulness. But, this chapter goes too far into judgement and assumption.

The topic of the chapter is "being mentally present during sex." I agree with her that we need to be mentally present; however, I do not believe that having a rich fantasy life, watching porn, reading erotica, or appreciating attractive people outside of our marriage will "wreck your chances of experiencing intimacy." She states that "...psychologists have even coined a new term, Sexual Attention Deficit Disorder, for those who can't maintain an erection, or who can't stay aroused, with their spouse, but require additional stimulus, like porn or erotica." She also states that "The more our bodies become aroused by an external stimulus, like pornography, the more our bodies start to require that stimulus in order to become aroused." She warns that people who watch porn are also often masturbating, wasting their sexual energy on that rather than their marriage...and that this will decrease their desire for their spouse and is "actually one of the leading causes of lack of libido." Also, she assumes that wives will find watching porn to be akin to cheating, "and rightfully so."

I have a hard time with advice like this, because it assumes the worst about ALL people. Sure, some addictive personalities go too far. And a porn addiction, like any other, can cause a rift between a couple. BUT, if both parties are fine with it, and use it to enhance their sex life, what the hell is wrong with it? I know my husband enjoys porn. He shows it to me. I also know he doesn't want the women in those pictures and videos more than he wants me. Because he tells me...and he shows me. And when we have watched porn together (which isn't often, because I'm just not that into it), it has been a bonding experience...a warm-up activity to something WE do together with each other in mind. I also don't believe that masturbation necessarily takes away your desire for sex or your ability to have sex. It isn't wasting your sexual energy. In fact, I'd argue that sometimes it can simply prime the well. Watching porn is not the same as cheating, but watching it against a person's wishes or as an act of secrecy is certainly a type of dishonesty. Women who are so intensely bothered by their husband's watching porn should consider their own insecurities before blaming their men for being men (besides...earlier in the book she pronounces several times that men are visual creatures -- hence the interest in porn -- and that finding people you aren't married to attractive isn't necessarily wrong...it's natural).

So....yah...this chapter gets a D from me...while the rest of the book so far has earned a B.

Day 21: 31 Days to Great Sex

Topic: spiritual intimacy

Quotes:

"...for sex to really work well, we also have to bare ourselves emotionally. We have to be able to be vulnerable. We have to be willing to let go."

"We long to know and be known, and in that knowing be accepted. It's our deepest need."

"When you're in a lifetime committed relationship, you're more likely to experience all the great aspects of sex...."

"...sex is the physical expression of a deep drive we have to be connected to one another."

Reflection:

This is the place where my own marriage needs the most work. We've got the physical down, we're getting better at the emotional, but the spiritual is big. And not in the Christian sense...even though that is what this author is pushing. I don't think you have to believe in God or gods to feel some sort of spiritual connection. It's that sense of connectedness with everything outside of ourselves. We often feel it in nature...that sublime peace caused by connection to something larger than ourselves. Like going back to the mother.

Sometimes, I feel it with my husband. but, more often than not, it's me who's the one keeping us from it. I focus so much on feeling good, that I forget to think beyond myself. I forget his enjoyment. I forget what is connecting us. I forget the soul in preference of the body and mind.

Tonight...I'll light candles and incense, just to keep myself spiritually centered. And I'll initiate. Since he's leaving for 5 days, it seems like having sex would be a really good idea. One last major connection before he's gone.

Day 20: Subtlety is Lost on Men

Take-aways from this chapter: It's important for our husbands not to just feel like we "let" them have sex with us...but rather that we want them to.

I've been here before...the "please just get it over with...I'll lay here quietly and let you have your way." Guys hate the limp fish. He actually asked that I get more involved. And when I tried, I was so out of practice that even when I did what I thought was good movement or touch...he still didn't feel wanted. I really had to turn it up several notches for him to notice what I was doing.

The main point I got from that is...subtlety is lost on men. There is little place for it in the bedroom...or anywhere really, because men need noticeable feedback. They need to be told and shown in big ways. Think "flashing neon lights." It might feel silly to you...and over the top...but to them, it's just right.

Days 13-19: 31 Days to Great Sex

Day 13 - empty your head of the day's "stuff" so you can focus on sex

It pains me to think that so many women out there don't realize that their libido is often tied directly to their brain. For all the libido issues I have, I at least realize that my head must first be in the game or my body won't follow.

"If she is distracted by anything, then it's difficult to get aroused. This is the exact opposite of men, whose bodies often react to visual stimuli even if they ARE distracted and don't want to be thinking about sex. Most men react almost automatically; women need to decide to react."

"While women certainly can heat up, men can't do it completely for us. We control the switch. We're the ones who need to decide to participate..."

"Part of women getting ready for the big event, then, is to empty their heads of all the stuff that's rattling around in there. When she can get that out, she can let other stuff in."

This chapter reminds us, again, that "men make love to feel loved, while women need to feel loved to make love." It's probably one of the biggest mismatches in the history of marriage, really. The thing that causes the most trouble in "Sex Land."

The take-away for this chapter, for me, is that I need to process all the thoughts in my head during the day, so that when my husband comes home, not only do I not bombard him with all my "issues" and "needs" and "worries," I can also focus on him and making him happy. It doesn't mean not telling him about all those things I've processed. But if I deal with them before he gets home, then I know which are truly important.

It's important, too, not to just throw it all at him the minute he walks in the door. We all need to decompress a bit when we get home from work, so it's best to have a wait period before that happens.

That's what my journal...and this blog...is for. It's where I process what's going on in my brain, so I can let it go and focus on the things that matter.

Day 14- make the decision to respond

Men are the pursuers. Women are the responders. So....it makes sense that women wouldn't always naturally be aroused before being pursued. I don't think that's always true. I think women can be plenty aroused before any stimulation from a man. However, I think the author of this book is accurate in believing that this is "the norm." My mind is often not on sex. My husband's, on the other hand, is very often on it...seemingly for no apparent reason. The thing is, he does have a reason. He sees me. I should be completely flattered, right? But sometimes, I just find myself annoyed. Like, really? Again? But, do I ever want him to stop finding me totally sexy? No. No, I don't. So, why do I think like that?

This chapter mainly focuses on the fact that women need to decide to respond. They need to make the conscious choice to get involved, because our bodies, while often slower to follow that our brains, will eventually catch up.

She does address the fact that there may be other issues at play if you never manage to respond to your husband's advances. Low testosterone, abuse issues... And of course, those supersede everything. For me, that was certainly part of it. The screwed up hormones don't help anything, that's for sure. Mental health issues, drug side-effects. A lot goes into a person's mental, emotional, and physical well-being. And all of those things come into play for a healthy sex life.

So in some ways, I think the author is over-simplifying. Or at least, she's aiming at the "majority" and hoping that those of us in the minority, with other issues besides inexperience or lack of self-knowledge, will manage to pull something of use from her book. And like I've mentioned before, I am finding little kernels...reminders...but little that is new to me.

The sex challenge for this day is to initiate sex.

Day 15 - foreplay for her

This chapter is about the importance of foreplay. Nothing new here for me. I think her reminder to keep it varied is useful, as foreplay, like anything with sex, can become routine...and therefore, boring. It's also good for women to communicate what they like. I'm guilty of not doing that. And it's weird, because I don't think I'm embarrassed. For some reason, though, I'm reticent to explain what I want, when I want it.

The big take-aways for me here were that "foreplay isn't optional" and I need to be just as involved in the foreplay as he is. It's not just about him revving my engine so I'm ready to be driven.

Day 16 - foreplay for him

More about foreplay here. But in this chapter, it's about him. Knowing that guys are such highly visual critters, it's important that we make foreplay somewhat visual for them, at least sometimes. You know, lingerie, dancing for them, letting them watch us touch ourselves. flashing them while we do our chores, undressing slowly and seductively...that sort of thing. We also need to be sure to touch our men, because it's about their pleasure, too. And not just with our hands or mouths. Of course, there needs to be kissing and touching...but we can use our whole bodies, in various positions. It's about the movement and the variety. The avoidance of routine...and boredom. Because then comes avoidance.

The sex challenge for this day is to choose at least 3 of the ideas and incorporate the into the evening's sexual play.

Day 17- orgasm

That this chapter opens with a woman's questions..."What is an orgasm? And how do I know if I've had one?" worries me. Seriously? People are this unaware of their bodies? That is tragic. I'm pretty sure I figured out what an orgasm was by the time I was 8. Call me sinful, but I've always had an awareness of my body and how to pleasure it. That's not to say that having an orgasm with a man the first time was easy. It takes time for a guy to figure out what works. And it takes time for a women to figure out how a man can do what she can. Since so much of our sex life is in our head, it's important for a woman to step out of her head...long enough to take his hand and bring him in. That can be scary. But the more we tell our guys about what works on our bodies, the more likely we are to feel pleasure and want sex. This is why I'm all for pre-marital sex with a long-term partner. I think it's important that we know we are sexually compatible before we jump into "forever." And because of this, I didn't have much of that "early marriage bed shyness." I knew I wanted my husband. I knew he could please me in bed. I knew I could please him. In fact, sex was certainly one of the things that made us feel emotionally close enough to consider marriage. Without it, we'd have never done it. And as I'm writing that, I'm realizing just how important it still is. The fact that we stopped having it much after our son was born would obviously send my husband into fits. I totally get it now.

Day 18 - orgasm

This chapter is also about women's orgasms and how to achieve them by changing up positions. It also has the sad reminder (really? guys don't know this?) that the clitoris is the part of the vagina that needs to be stimulated most for a woman to have an orgasm. Good lord. I'm sorry...but that's just ignorance. And if you're years into your marriage and you're just now researching sex, there are some priority issues. And here I go again, saying something I need to hear loud and clear...sex is central to a healthy marriage. Knowing about it, learning about it, practicing it, doing it, enjoying it...all of those things must occur for a marriage to be happy.

Day 19 - sexual positions for greatest pleasure

More strategies to help her achieve orgasm, including locating and pleasuring the g-spot. Which I didn't find until I was married several years. In a lot of ways, I think as women become more comfortable in a relationship, less inhibited, they can begin to let loose a bit. When they truly trust a man, they can let themselves do and feel things that they might otherwise keep to themselves. I think that is probably why they say it's years 16-20 that are the best years for married sex. Seriously, though...I don't want to wait for year 16. Though I hope my sex life is amazing then.






P.S. Since none of the information in these chapters was new for me, and since I've not been doing a chapter a day as was originally intended (which I plan to do from here on out now that I have more time on my hands), I'm giving myself the goal to "get him going." Sort of a combination of several chapters. He gets home too late the next few days to really do much of anything...like initiating sex or spending much time on foreplay. So, I'm going to take some pictures today, of particular body parts, and label them "yours" and then text him those pictures throughout the day. Today is also our newly designated "No Panty Friday" (just for something new and fun to do...it gives him something to think about all day). So there's that, too. And finally, I sent a little love note in his lunch box today (I actually made his lunch...and I plan to fold and put away his laundry - just because).

31 Days to Great Sex: Days 9-12

So, I've been lax in my reading on this one. What with my crazy transition to summer and my jam-packed calendar (which will be thinning out dramatically now), I've not been focusing as I should. My morning ritual of posting a "meditation" for the day and setting the intention by lighting incense and a candle of the appropriate color has been put on the back burner.

Basically, I just became rather exhausted.

Now, I'm going to try to pick back up where I left off and refocus myself.

So here's the run down on days 9-12:

Day 9

Topic: laughter
Notes; At the root of many marriage problems is the fact that we stop having fun together.
Quotes:

"A couple that is laughing together is also a couple who enjoys being together, and who will find navigating all the difficulties of marriage much easier."

Day 10

Topic; preparing for sex throughout the day
Notes:
1. prep your body - clean, shave, fix your hair, do your make-up - do what you need to to make yourself feel your prettiest
2. clothes - dress to make yourself feel good...ditch the sweats and the dowdy, frumpy clothes...buy things that accentuate your best features and make you feel attractive
3. take time for yourself daily to decompress (one of the leading causes of low libido is high stress)
4. plan regular times to think about sex
5. sleep (a major culprit of low libido...it also affects cortisol levels)

Day 11

Topic: show affection
Quotes:

"For most men, sex is the need, and affection is the choice. For most women, affection is the need, and sex is the choice."

"Whichever one is your biggest need, realize that your spouse feels the need for the other with exactly the same intensity."

"...men may have difficulty showing affection when they do not feel loved. And to a man, a big part of feeling loved is know that his wife desires him and wants him."

Day 12

Topic: flirting
Quotes:

"Women's primary sex organs are our brains. for us to get in the mood, our brains have to be engaged. Take flirting out of the equation, and you take away one of your primary tools for boosting your libido."

"Flirting is a fun way to play with your husband. to boost your own libido, to get you thinking along those lines, and to make your husband feel wanted."

"When you have children, you owe it to them to make sure that your marriage is rock solid, and that includes having a close, intimate relationship with your spouse."

I'm not necessarily learning anything new from this book. But it is filled with little reminders that we all could stand to hear on occasion. And as a $4.99 kindle purchase, so far, I feel it's worth it. Some of the personal stories from readers that she shares make me sad. That people are married and are so distant or have never really had a sex life is depressing. I feel bad for couples who are missing out on sex or feel that sex is dirty and should only be used for procreation. Goodness sakes! Why would it feel so darn good if that were the case? The problem is, for lots of women, it either doesn't feel good or they haven't figured out how to make it feel good. To that, I say: Explore! Practice! Experiment! Masturbate! Take your husband to a class! Whatever works...because a marriage without passionate sex that feels good is a sad world indeed. I know. I've been there. But, I've also had it good, too. So, I know what I'm missing when things go south.

I wouldn't say this book is doing anything to improve my sex life yet. But, like I said, it's not a waste of 5 bucks, either.

Day 7 and 8: 31 Days to Great Sex

Day 7's challenge is similar to Day 5...just an exploration of his body. He's been working nights, and I've had family over all weekend helping with our gigantic yard. So there hasn't been any opportunity for this. My guess is, he'll jump at the chance to have me reciprocate. I don't do that enough. It feels a little weird to ask for permission to touch him all over, but I'm going to suck back the embarrassment, because I know it will please him greatly to be the center of attention for once. And I might learn a thing or two. Day 7 also reminds us that many men (mine included) feel love through sex. So, even with my low libido, I have to remember that when we don't have sex, he feels less loved. less wanted, and obviously less happy. Funny too, all the complaints she brings up in the in this chapter? I've said pretty much all of them.

And today is Day 8, which entails simply "hitting the reset button" on our sex life, forgiving each other for past transgressions and moving on. And, we're pretty much trying to do that.

Interesting quote from this chapter: "Don't be goal-oriented; be direction-oriented." It's about choosing a new positive path, instead of giving in and following the easy, well-worn, well-known, and well-traveled negative paths.

I've been trying really hard for the past few months to change my mindset. With the yoga, the updated meds, the morning meditation, the breathing through stress...things ARE getting better. I've been intentionally focusing on my husband every day, and it IS working. Our sex life is improving, and we are connecting on a level we haven't in years. Of course, it helps that we're re-introducing our D/s dynamic. Not only does that make him much more comfortable, because it gives him purpose and direction, but it also just puts us in our most comfortable roles, so things seem more natural.

Cheesy maybe, but it makes it seem like the planets are realigning.

Day 5-6: a re-cap (31 Days to Great Sex)

So the other day, I sent my husband an email in the morning. I basically just invited him to "explore" my body that night. I told him he could touch any part...it was all his...and that my job was to simply take in what felt good and what didn't so I could think about why later.

Later in the day, he asked me about it...wondered what the purpose was. Since I haven't told him about the book, and didn't want to at that point, I simply said that it was an experiment to see what I liked and what I didn't.

He seemed cool with the simple answer and said he was looking forward to it.

The "experiment" was interesting. I think he took it as more than just an invitation...but almost as a challenge...in a good way. He took plenty of time and touched pretty much everything, waiting for my reaction. I'm very ticklish, so finding the places that tickle too much (he loves to concentrate on those, btw) show me that those places are exceptionally sensitive...going there might be good, but it might also backfire and kill the mood. Then there are places I don't like...that make me uncomfortable. Those are the places I need to explore. Why do they make me uncomfortable? Am I afraid of judgement? Because it doesn't hurt. Does it feel good, and does that make me feel guilty or shameful? If so...I need to let that go...all of this is his because I promised it to him and because I newly promise it to him every day.

Day 6's challenge is to consider and appreciate your husband's body...This chapter is a good reminder to look past the faults and focus on the core of the being that grabbed your attention in the first place. So, I'm starting there. The first thing I love about my husband's body is his mind. He's smart, witty, and makes me laugh. The second is his eyes, they can bore a hole right through me. Number 3 would be his arms -- tattooed and strong, I love it when they wrap around me. Four...his hands: a bit calloused from hard work, they hold mine and touch me and do important things for me and for our home and family. And last, his...well...you know...because it's the perfect size to do what it needs to do for me. Just sayin'... (blushing now).

Day 4: Kissing (31 Days to Great Sex)

A smooth face, soft lips, warm breath...maybe a scent of mint or bourbon. Not too wet...certainly not too dry. I like to see my husband's eyes before a kiss...or in between kisses...to sink into them. But, ultimately, being able to focus on the senses of touch and smell are best: cologne, sweat, skin, heat. The pressure of his lips and the taste of his tongue can cause and instant redirection of my brain. If I close my eyes and let it, his kiss can erase pretty much everything else. That's powerful stuff. 

But, a kiss is only as powerful as the mutual feeling behind it. If I'm tired, cranky, unfocused...sometimes I'm blocked to its power. I have to be open to it. And I have to give those kisses freely, not just accept them. 

Kissing is a touch point, a way to quickly reconnect throughout the day when other types of connection are not possible. 

A challenge I have right now is to kiss my husband every day, deeply and meaningfully. Not the quick peck on my way out the door (though I still do that). I try to remind myself...every time I leave the house, it could be the last time I see him. How would I say goodbye if I knew I'd never see him again? Morose, maybe...but a good wake up call that is sometimes necessary.

Here's to more kissing!

Day 3: Body insecurities (31 Days to Great Sex)

Today's book quotes:

"This ideal of super-sexed, voluptuous females has taken over."

"Anything that reminds us of our physical bodies also reminds us that we're inadequate."

"Love your body and you'll treat it better."

Today's challenge: Name 5 things that you like best about your body...

1. My hands
2. My eyes
3. My calves
4. My lips
5. My hips

Reflection:

Sure I have insecurities about my body. My baby belly is never going away. The stretch marks...yeah, they're here to stay. My thighs rub together, no matter how much weight I lose. And I'm starting to get wrinkles and sag in places I never did before.

But...my husband does an excellent job of reminding me that he thinks I'm sexy and that he wants me no matter what. I'm much more judgmental, not only of myself, but of him. I'm not sure why I'm so hung up on appearances. I guess being surrounded by messages telling us that we should be perfect and beautiful (in a certain way) affects us, even when we think we're smart enough to see beyond it. We're still constantly categorizing and comparing ourselves to an imaginary ideal.

I read somewhere recently that we need to think of beauty in a different way...that there are different ways of being beautiful - and each us is just one way of being so.

Day 2: What we think about sex directly leads to what we do about sex

Favorite quotes from the book:

"No matter where you're at today, your sex life can start fresh. But sometimes that fresh start is endangered because we keep believing things that aren't true."

"Our primary sex organ is our brain."

"What we think about sex completely determines whether or not we enjoy [it]."

My take-aways:

• We were made to feel pleasure. ("Not only were we created to feel wonderful during sex, we were also created to feel intimate. Sex is supposed to unite us...not just with our genitals, but also with our hearts...." "Unfortunately, sex often becomes something which is more pornographic than intimate.")
• We were created for intimacy.
• Sex is supposed to make you vulnerable, and a little out of control.
• Sex is something sacred between you and your spouse - a way to reconnect...like being plugged in to be charged.
• Sex helps you sleep, relieves anxiety, boosts immunity, helps with depression, and makes you feel more connected to your spouse.

"We need to get our heads in the game, because when our heads aren't there, our bodies won't follow."

Today's consideration:

Confront any lies that you believe about sex and replace them with truth.

So what ARE the lies I tell myself? 

I know I hold back sometimes, sexually. I'm unwilling to try new things. I fear initiating. I don't know if maybe a few years of being rebuked by a former long-term boyfriend who just wasn't all that into sex could have made me so reticent. That abandonment. That rejection. Holy crap! That's certainly got to be part of it, right? How could I have possibly tucked that away and not thought of it until just this minute. Weird. 

So, basically, a lie I've internalized is, "He won't want me, so don't bother asking." Another might be, "He'll leave me, just like _____________ did." "If I give everything...all my love and trust, I'll regret it." "I can't ever need anyone like that again."

Wow. that's big. I'm going to have to keep thinking on this...

Day 1: What can I do to take care of you today?

My favorite quote from the book:

"Sex is the physical acting out of everything that marriage is. We become vulnerable with one another. We become naked with one another completely--and that means real intimacy. We cherish each other. We protect each other. But we also have a ton of fun with each other."

Today's reminders...

• sex is supposed to feel great (which it does...we don't really have a problem there)
• I am supposed to have a sex drive (duh...I know...wish it was never a problem)
• I am supposed to feel aroused (and I am...sometimes...)
• sex with my husband is supposed to make me feel loved and feel like we are connected (and it does...95% of the time)

Today's questions...

1. On a scale of 1-10, how would your rate your sex life?

• physically?     (8-9)
• spiritually?     (7)
• emotionally?  (7)

2. What would a great sex life in each of these areas look like for you?

We already have it down pretty well physically, though some variety might be nice. I know he'd like it...though I have to admit, what really works...as in "what really gets the job done" is plain old missionary style. He's amazing at oral sex, and his technique in general is very good. He aims to please, and he's learned how to do just that. He knows my body like the back of his hand.

As far as the spiritual or emotional side of our sex life, I think that's where we've lost touch. And it's not just with sex. Because we have sort of fallen away from each other over the past few years (not in a major way, but enough to know that we've become complacent), our spiritual and emotional connection have deteriorated. 

That's where we need to work. Romance. Sweetness. Caring for one another. Not just sexually, but as lovers. And the best way for me to do that is to begin taking better care of him. I'm already taking better care of myself.

So this morning, I ushered him away from the coffee pot when he woke up and told him I'd make it. I put his clothes away and did the dishes (normally his job, but he was tired). I also bought him a nice bottle of scotch and a card to congratulate him on a promotion he earned yesterday. I also emailed him these same two questions so he could mull them over and maybe answer them, too.

My marriage mantra thins month is going to be two-fold: 

What can I do to make your day better?

and...

What can I do to take care of you today?