Sex in Marriage -- when talking about sex becomes a problem

We fight a lot about sex. In fact, it's almost the only think we fight about...because we can't seem to get on the same page with it.

And through all of our conversations over these years, my take-aways are starting to merge and become more defined, in a way that I think I may be starting to understand a few things about our sex life, our marriage, and what both of us need out of our time together.

#1; We don't have to be here. We have chosen this, and should consciously choose it every day. I think he's better at this than I am. He stays more focused on us than I do. My mind wanders, and when it does, I lose track of what matters. I get all hopped up on work and parenting and housework and forget that there are these beautiful things called love, happiness, and fun, right in front of my face...and that focusing on those things that add to my/our overall well-being is more important that getting shit done. Yes, we have responsibilities, but "Things which matter most must never be at the mercy of things which matter least." (Goethe)

#2: He experiences love and true connection (emotional and, likely, spiritual) through sex. He needs sex with me because it's what cements our relationship. I'm just now learning that the same is actually true for me. I think I need sex as much as he does, because it DOES deepen the connection. And the D/s aspect of it also deepens the connection for me in ways that a "normal" married sex life might not...most likely because it really makes me focus on the trust necessary for a D/s relationship to be successful. Oddly, I think, after reading Sex Again: Recharging Your Libido, that the author is right -- simply having sex might actually fix (or at least really help in solving) our problems.

We are a close couple. We talk about all kinds of stuff, but we've mostly stopped talking about sex because it hurts, causes anxiety, and just plain pisses both of us off. Doing it doesn't piss us off. So maybe doing it is where to start. Do now. talk later...  Just a thought.

#3: We both have to take active roles in "doing marriage" rather than just "being married." Once again, he's better at this, but we could both use guidance from each other on what those active roles should be.

After reading The Soulmate Experience, I'd say that we both take each other's actions too personally. When I don't initiate sex, he feels unwanted. When he feels unwanted, he becomes depressed. But my not initiating isn't always a matter of not wanting it. Likewise, when he doesn't do the jobs around the house I ask him to do, I feel slighted. But he isn't really avoiding chores because he takes me for granted. He avoids chores because he'd rather do other things. Something I could take a lesson from once in a while. Basically, we both probably need to take more responsibility for the things that we want from the relationship and our lifestyle and home. I'm not likely to change him. And he isn't likely to change me (though he feels I HAVE changed since we got married and that he has not).

#4: He needs "adventure" and I need "safety and romance." How best to blend those two? Trust is certainly a big part of it. Though I have to admit, I get bored and restless when things become too routine in my life. I feel like a hamster on a wheel going nowhere. But does my feeling of safety have to come at the price of boredom? Probably not. My concept of safety simply needs to be modified. If I trust him, I am safe, no matter what adventure he takes me on, right? The problem arises when I don't like the adventure, but he does. What then? Do I just go along because it's what he wants? See that's where we end up in trouble....and fighting. A big part of the problem is that we don't really understand each other's definitions of adventure and romance.

#5: He needs to feel wanted and I need to feel loved and cared for. Our biggest fights are about his not feeling wanted. The question always resurfaces..."Why don't you want me?" and my resounding answer, "What does that look like to you? What does me wanting you look like?" And then he gets mad because he feels he shouldn't have to explain it. I should just know. Because I used to know.

How is that two people who communicate perfectly well in every other regard can't seem to get their shit together when it comes to sex and intimacy?

At least we haven't given up.

Day 1: What can I do to take care of you today?

My favorite quote from the book:

"Sex is the physical acting out of everything that marriage is. We become vulnerable with one another. We become naked with one another completely--and that means real intimacy. We cherish each other. We protect each other. But we also have a ton of fun with each other."

Today's reminders...

• sex is supposed to feel great (which it does...we don't really have a problem there)
• I am supposed to have a sex drive (duh...I know...wish it was never a problem)
• I am supposed to feel aroused (and I am...sometimes...)
• sex with my husband is supposed to make me feel loved and feel like we are connected (and it does...95% of the time)

Today's questions...

1. On a scale of 1-10, how would your rate your sex life?

• physically?     (8-9)
• spiritually?     (7)
• emotionally?  (7)

2. What would a great sex life in each of these areas look like for you?

We already have it down pretty well physically, though some variety might be nice. I know he'd like it...though I have to admit, what really works...as in "what really gets the job done" is plain old missionary style. He's amazing at oral sex, and his technique in general is very good. He aims to please, and he's learned how to do just that. He knows my body like the back of his hand.

As far as the spiritual or emotional side of our sex life, I think that's where we've lost touch. And it's not just with sex. Because we have sort of fallen away from each other over the past few years (not in a major way, but enough to know that we've become complacent), our spiritual and emotional connection have deteriorated. 

That's where we need to work. Romance. Sweetness. Caring for one another. Not just sexually, but as lovers. And the best way for me to do that is to begin taking better care of him. I'm already taking better care of myself.

So this morning, I ushered him away from the coffee pot when he woke up and told him I'd make it. I put his clothes away and did the dishes (normally his job, but he was tired). I also bought him a nice bottle of scotch and a card to congratulate him on a promotion he earned yesterday. I also emailed him these same two questions so he could mull them over and maybe answer them, too.

My marriage mantra thins month is going to be two-fold: 

What can I do to make your day better?

and...

What can I do to take care of you today?

Building our husbands up

The other day, I was considering the role of a submissive wife. Now, I'm not Christian, and I don't follow the Christian precepts of submission. But, I do believe that my husband is the king of my world.

In the past few years, we've struggled, greatly, with our roles. Mainly because I haven't been fulfilling mine, so he doesn't now what role to fill or how. I've noticed that when I have a better idea of what I need from him, what I want from him, and the kind of husband I feel he should be, he finally "gets it." He becomes it. It's not that he's just sitting around waiting for me to define his identity. He's not. But his role as husband directly relates to my perception of his role as husband.

He's his own person, completely. As am I. But, I cannot be a wife by myself. I am only a wife in relation to my husband. We are yin and yang. One cannot exist without the other.

So...my point here is that for me to be happy with my husband's role, I have to know what I want that role to be. What do I want from him? What do I expect? And then I need to figure out what kind of wife that man would need...and become that wife.

He cannot do what he does not know. Therefore, while it is important to verbalize needs and desires, I think it is almost as powerful, if not more so, to create through example. If I want a strong husband, I need to provide opportunities for him to be strong. If I want a loving husband, I need to provide opportunities for him to be loving.

And if I do these things, and help him along with encouragement and natural reward (being the wife he needs and wants), we both benefit.

This is the foundation of a happy marriage.

On being a "secular" submissive wife

I've been married nearly 9 years. And though we've been defining ourselves as a couple (naturally and wordlessly, most of the time), we've come to learn a few things about ourselves.

1.  We choose to fall into standard gender roles. This isn't for everyone, and I wouldn't encourage anyone to take on gender roles (or any roles, for that matter) that do not help them to thrive.

2.  My husband is an alpha male. He is strong-willed and demands respect in a quiet and non-violent manner. I am his strong, female counterpart. When I am behind him, empowering him, he can be more successful, happier, and productive. His self-esteem rises, his self-image improves, and his confidence builds. When I am not behind him, he becomes moody...even angry, self-conscious, depressed, and weak in spirit and body.

3. I am a submissive wife. Not a submissive woman, mind you. I am submissive only to my husband, and only so far as it makes both of us happy. This submission is not religious. We are not Christian, and I do not prescribe to the Proverbs 31 lifestyle (though, I feel there is a lot to be learned from it (and I plan to research it in my next round of "35 Things"...though it will be "31 Things," obviously). This submission is sexual, psychological, and spiritual. He is my rock, and I am his core. We are like yin and yang, without one, the other can not be. And when one is weak, the other becomes so, too.

We've tried living the D/s lifestyle. We've experimented with "swinging." And we have yet to truly find something that works for us. Why? Well...because it's not in a book somewhere. And it's not clearly defined by society or religion. I can't just say, "I'm going to be a submissive wife...let me look that up on the internet and see what I have to do." I've done that research, and ALL of it is based in religion or BDSM.

My brand of submission is secular. And I suppose that since I can't find any information on it out there, I'll be defining it myself. Maybe, just maybe, that will help someone else who is in my same shoes.

So let's start here, with an explanation of "submission":

Full Definition of SUBMISSION

1

a :  a legal agreement to submit to the decision of arbitrators

b :  an act of submitting something (as for consideration or inspection); also:  something submitted (as a manuscript)

2

:  the condition of being submissive, humble, or compliant

3

:  an act of submitting to the authority or control of another

My husband and I DO have a legal agreement - as we are lawfully married. We were married by a judge, in a old schoolhouse, and we wrote our own vows based in Celtic hand-fasting tradition. We are both spiritual, though we do not define ourselves as Christian. I am basically non-denominational Pagan.

As for being humble or compliant...well, I'm neither of those things. Nor am I naturally submissive. I do not easily give in to authority or accept the control of others.

However, I'm learning something about myself, my husband, and how a man and woman interact. Or at least the may WE interact.

My husband needs me to NEED him. He needs me to support him, validate him, and make him feel like a man. What I tell him he is and encourage him to be, he can become. My belief in him is his power. When I put effort into building him up, he becomes stronger and more powerful. He also becomes more benevolent and feels more inclined to provide for me and "pamper" me.

I like to be taken care of. I like to feel protected and safe, in the arms of a man who loves and cherishes me above all else. When I build my husband up, he can do this. He WANTS to do this.

In this way, we are like a traditional D/s couple. I give my submission to him as a gift...one that can be taken away if he doesn't do his part to care for me. But, that comes with responsibility. I have to trust him. I have to accept his challenges to encourage me to grow spiritually and sexually. Through me and through his guidance of me and his protection of me, he becomes strong. Through him, and through my submission to him, I gain solace, because I can let go of fear. I can put my well-being in his hands.

Now, I know, there are thousands of women out there who would disagree with this whole "arrangement." And that's fine. It's not for everyone. But, I do feel we have lost something in our dogged battle for gender equality. We may be equal, be we are not the same.

In my marriage, we are both important decision-makers. I do not cow to him, and he does not force me to do his bidding. I allow him to take the reigns.

It's a lot of responsibility for him. A lot of pressure. And that pushes him to be a better man. He doesn't want to fail me or disappoint me. And so he rises to the occasion.

But when he cannot, it is not my place to berate him. It is my place to build him back up to a place of spiritual and psychological power.

And when I cannot, it is his obligation to console me, support me, and guide me back to a place of serenity.

Like any marriage, we have our own set of problems. And right now, our problems basically stem from our inability to define and live our natural dominant and submissive roles. I resist too often, which weakens him and weakens our connection. I push back, and he stops pushing altogether. He becomes weak, and I become disillusioned, disappointed.

When he is at his peak...his most powerful, I find him irresistible...in all ways. And I "behave." I want him...and I want to please him, because pleasing him makes him more powerful...and more irresistible.

When I'm on my best behavior, he wants to care for me...provide for me...pleasure me...spoil me.

When he is weak and I am ill-behaved...we are a mess.

And that's where we are right now.

So, how to get back to "good"? Well, "behaving" is a good start. Being a good wife. Doing the things that I know make him strong and happy.

Initiating intimacy is one way. And I'm proud to say that I not only wanted to, but did, last night. He's on swing shift and doesn't get into bed until nearly 2 a.m., but I did it anyway. And he immediately rose to the occasion. When I "play my part" well, and willingly...he "plays his part" equally well. And we are happy.

I love my husband, and since I want to save my marriage, really focusing on becoming the wife he needs is paramount. It isn't about losing myself, or being subjugated. It isn't about being a slave or being "less than." It's about being powerful force of feminine energy to compliment the male energy that flows through him. It's about being a goddess and knowing that what you say and do can make or break the man that you love.

Sex Again...Part Two (chapters 5-9)

Ch. 5 "You First"

This chapter mainly review the concept of personal balance. It explains how yin and yang are interdependent, and that "the trick is to balance the two rather than pick one or the other." The author also points out that yin and yang are always shifting and that perfection isn't optimal or even possible.

The most important point in the chapter is simply that our balance within is a product of our balance "without"...meaning, our world affects our internal being, just as our attitude and energy affect our world. Everything is reliant on everything else. "So not only will improving your sex life improve your mood, but improving your sex life will improve your mood." Basically...it doesn't matter what you start working on, as long as you start working - the rest will come.

The chapter ends by providing a list of characteristics often found in people with low yin or yang (signs of imbalance).

The "To Do (It) List" at the end of the chapter includes the following suggestions: take care of your general health and mental health, eat right and exercise, practice mindfulness, de-stress, be in nature,

Ch. 6 "Putting Your Mind To It"

The title of this chapter says it all - sex (and libido) are partially (maybe completely) a state of mind. The chapter opens with a discussion on the importance of breathing intentionally, meditating, staying focused, and relaxing..."...where your mind goes, your qi will follow.

Ch. 7 "Getting in Touch"

This chapter is all about getting energy moving through the body through massage (namely, self-massage).

Ch. 8 "Sometimes It's All About You"

This chapter is about the importance of masturbation and how it can encourage you to explore your body and its needs.

Ch. 9 "Do It Yourself"

This is where the work begins...all the background has been provided...all the exercises explained. Now it's time to put it all together and start "doing."

So this is how I am going about it - This week, I'll tackle "phase 1" (page 150): This entails consciously thinking about sex with my husband every day...basically meditating. So, now that I'm adding meditation to my morning routine - this week, that space and time will be devoted to focusing on my husband and our physical bond. I'll incorporate deep breathing with this to encourage the flow of energy through my body.

Let's get this "party" started, shall we?

What is my concept of submission?

It's something we've played with for years. Actually, I probably shouldn't say "played with," because honestly, it's just always been there. He's always been a dominant soul, and it's part of what drew me to him. His quiet confidence. His predatory sexual nature (and I don't say that in a deviant way, but rather in a hyper-masculine "alpha male" sort of way). I love that he can bend me to his will...that I let him bend me to his will.

In most other regards, I'm not submissive. But with my husband, it is such an undeniable turn on to have him hold me down, pull my hair, tell me what to do. He can breathe a directive in my ear while I'm doing dishes, and it's like the heat of his words just melts down my neck and pools in my clavicle, dripping the hot wax of his intention between my breasts.

Too hot? Maybe.

But, my point is, he has the power to really do a number on me.

When he's not feeling confident about our relationship, though, his ability to do this kind of peters out. His confidence falters, and my passion for him, sexually, falters as well. He becomes angry and hurt...and hence, weak, in my eyes.

I'm being honest here. Painfully, maybe. But, when my husband isn't in his sexual element, he isn't sexy to me.

However, when he is in his sexual element, I've been known to orgasm before he has hardly touched me. TMI, I know...but you wouldn't be here reading if you weren't ready for this. So no judging, okay? How else am I supposed to be totally honest with you?

So, how do I get that all the time. You'd think it would be easy, right? Just let him be dominant all the time, give in to his demands, let him have control. But...ah ha! I'm a control freak, too! So how does a control freak manage to also be submissive (intentionally and by choice) to an alpha male/dominant?

Because I promise you, this is no Fifty Shades of Grey. This is real life. This is marriage. This is sexuality with a bit of an edge but couched deeply in a loving relationship. This is not about violence or pain or power. This is about taking our right places beside each other and fulfilling our deepest, most spiritual roles. When I am submissive to him, at least sexually, I feel safe, protected...like a weight is being taken off of my shoulders.

But, in the past, there is always something that has gotten in the way...and that's what I need to figure out. Mentally, emotionally, spiritually, physically I know that submission is the right path for me in my marriage. But there is something that keeps me from giving it all to him. Fear? What am I afraid of? That he'll push me beyond my limits? That he'll make me do things I don't want to do? Isn't a large part of agreeing to submission also trusting that the dominant has your best interests at heart and will not do anything to harm you? Because that really what it's about. Trusting someone so completely that you are willing to let them take you and do with you what they will. But being a submissive also means putting the dominant first. It means doing things that you know will make him happy and will build his confidence and make him a good lover. Simply being a submissive doesn't allow you to let the dominant do all the work. And that's where I think I've gone wrong in the past.

I've been a selfish lover. A selfish submissive. And that just can't happen. It can't be. It doesn't even make sense.

So, there. That's my conundrum.

So what should submission look like in our world? I know I want him to have complete control in the bedroom. And I know that he won't take advantage of that. Our brand of D/s doesn't involved dog collars and punishment and subjugation (not that I deny others this if it's their thing). It is more a spiritual intention for us than a physical show of force. His dominance is psychological, not abusive or irresponsible. And it is welcomed, sought after.

I know for some, who have no concept of D/s, this explanation is not helping. And I implore you, if you are so inclined, and interested at all, to do your own research and build your own model. D/s is a very individualized thing.

I want to hand him my submission...as a gift. And I want to mean it. I truly do.

Foreplay?

Ahhh...foreplay...it should be a hell of a lot more important to some of us than it is. And when I really think about it, it's probably the most necessary part of sex for me (and a lot of women). It's where I get my head into the game. Because if my head ain't in the game, my body isn't likely to follow. In the early stages of a relationship, lengthy, creative, drawn-out foreplay usually isn't required. After all, you're usually thinking about this person incessantly, and thinking about them will often lead to spicy thoughts about what you want to do to them later.

I used to have that. When I met my husband I was completely hot and bothered. I found him so irresistibly sexy I could hardly contain myself. I even remember a few "booty calls"...feeling that burning need to touch him, be with him, devour him.

So where did it go?

I think it got lost in pregnancy, recovering from a partial hysterectomy (both mentally and physically), depression, work, raising a child, and complacency. Boredom seems to have set in, in more ways than one. And my own loss of passion for life has bled over to a loss of passion for the people I hold most dear. I know that, ultimately, I'm at the wheel here, and that I can steer it which way I want to go.

It's gotten to the point where D. has even said, "If you need to go and be somewhere else for awhile, do it. I don't want to keep you here if you need that kind of freedom." But the thing is, the notion of leaving makes my insides boil. It makes me physically ill. Maybe a little of it is fear, not only of losing what I have, but also that maybe I'd actually be happier if I did go. Marriage and family is a choice I made, though. And while leaving might be the easiest way to make the pain stop, it isn't what I want. I love my husband and son. No matter how hard this is, it's worth fighting for. And I'm beginning to see (call me hard-headed...I don't know why it's taking me so long) that sex is really the "golden key."

Sex isn't just sex. At least not for my husband...and not for my marriage. Maybe for some people and couples it is. But for my husband, it's how he connects with me. It's not a completely new concept to me. He's told me before, in lots of different ways. And as I piece together all the bits of information he's provided over the past few years during our arguments (let's face it, I'm not at my most receptive when I'm defensive and angry), I've begun to truly let the message sink in.

Last night, I began writing in this journal that I bought for us...Sex: an Erotic Journal for Sexual Inspiration and Exploration. The first topic was Kissing. It involved a few prompts, including "What makes a good kisser?" and "Describe your most memorable kiss." The second topic (which I'm on today) is Foreplay, hence why I'm writing about it here. Anyhow, last night, I brought up the idea I'd had when I gave the book to D. for his birthday last month...that we could both write in it and read each other's responses. I hoped we might not only use the book to spark some ideas, but also to connect a bit...on a cerebral level. He seemed game for it then. But when I reminded him last night, he seemed less thrilled. Almost like he thought it was trite. He, of course, said okay. That he'd do it. That this is what I needed to feel connected, but it's not what he needs.

And he's right. It's not. I need the mental connection. He needs the physical connection.

And foreplay is the key to both of our needs. So maybe it isn't so much the sex/lack of sex that is the problem. Maybe it's the loss of good foreplay. Or not even the loss (since we didn't really used to need it), but rather the need for it now. We're only just past the "7 year itch." I guess this is when the harder work begins, right?

So, let's get to the question then...

"Typical" foreplay? We seem to have gotten rather boring in that regard. Honestly, it's maybe some kissing, maybe a back massage, maybe a few naughty texts throughout the day.... We've gotten to the point where jumping right in is the name of the game. Same strategy every time. And I'm as much to blame for this as he is.

I'm creative in many regards...hell, I'm not even a half-bad writer of erotica. But, for some reason, I'm just no good at creative "foreplay." D. has tried. Lots of times....intricate role-playing games (the naughty professor...), toys, blindfolds, tying me up. I've liked some it...not all of it. But, somehow, he's gotten the feeling that all of his efforts have been unappreciated. And since I don't come up with any of these ideas on my own, it all has sort of fallen by the wayside...which has put a pretty big roadblock in the middle of our sex life.

Rather than asking why, though - because really, that just comes down to complacency - I think it is more important to just figure out ways to fix the problem. And if the problem is lack of foreplay, then there has to be some brainstorming about what makes good foreplay, what I need in it  and from it, and what ideas I can use "right now"!

I already have identified that our current "foreplay" is lackluster at best. So, what makes good foreplay?

I guess the element of anticipation is really the goal. That build up, over short or long periods of time. The mind games that actually affect our physiology and make our bodies hum with a need that can only be filled by the person playing that game with us. So anything that makes me focus on him and our sexual connection is good foreplay.

There are the same old ideas I've heard (or tried) a million times:

Put naughty notes (or coupons or little stories) in the pockets of his uniform.
Text him a picture of one of these notes instead.
Send him pieces of an erotic story over the course of a day...sort of like tweets.
Do a virtual strip tease (text him photos throughout the day).
Whisper naughty things in his ear while he's cooking dinner.
Blindfold him.
Massage him.
Have a shower of a bath together.
Strip tease.
Masturbate for him.
Meet him at the door in lingerie.
Watch porn in bed.
Role play.

Some other places for ideas:

The perfect marriage

Honestly? Well, I want a lot of what I already have. But if I were to describe the "perfect" marriage, it would be and have...

1. Two people who are deep and true friends who love each other and put the other before themselves

2. A partnership, where both people take on equal, though separate, roles

3. Passion...for each other and the things that matter to each other

It's really that simple. I suppose I could go into detail...what does "friendship" look like? It means enjoying each other's company, making each other laugh, supporting each other in times of emotional need, giving each other advice and being each other's sounding board. True friendship is true love...a place where both people trust the other implicitly and know each other as well as anyone could (there are always parts of us that are a mystery...sometimes even to ourselves).

A partnership? That's pretty easy, too. It means both people are an equal part of a team. They know what role they play and support the other person at all times. They talk and plan and organize together, making goals, celebrating successes, and dealing with losses or frustrations together. A partnership isn't necessarily perfect. But, it involves a lot of discussion and "going back to the drawing board." It means knowing your "position" and holding up your end of the bargain. I hadn't really thought of it this way. And though I believe that we have a pretty strong partnership...this does seem to be a possible weak spot now that I really define it in detail.

Do I feel supported by my husband? Yes. And I feel we are the very deepest and truest of friends. We love each other and do, indeed, have a partnership where both of us are equally important and necessary. Our problems are 2 (apparently) and 3 (mainly). And I can't figure out if that's just my problem or what. Because I do have passion for things. I just haven't had passion for my marriage for some time. And I think that can mostly be attributed to our constant bickering, discussing, debating, fighting, and my avoidance of the topic of SEX.

Way back when...what is it that made me feel PASSION for him? He was new. He was hot. 

So why lose passion when he's not new...or is less hot (because, let's be honest...so am I)? Because I've gained a lot with the loss of "new" and "hot." We have a secure home, a family, and while we don't have much disposable income, we CAN afford to do things every once in awhile.

I suppose the passion must be created. Much like an ember in a fire, it needs to be stoked and encouraged and fanned...given a new breath of life. And after some work, we can sit back and admire it and enjoy its warmth. Of course, it'll weaken again and need more attention. But isn't that the case with all things?

I think the reason I have renewed passion at work is that I have time away from it. I can reignite my passion during breaks, after books I read, after workshops or conferences. I suppose if I had periodic breaks from my husband and family and went to workshops on how to improve it, it would be a lot like it is at work. However, unlike work, I can't turn off "home" or "marriage" or "family." There is no "break" from it. It's always there.

Maybe I should find a "retreat" or build in some "breaks"...no matter how short. And workshops? Well, I'm sure they exist. It's just a matter of finding the ones that actually work and that I can afford. This whole "life coaching," "marriage coaching," "counseling" thing is expensive as hell.

I suppose I'll be using spring break to do a bit of reading and journaling. I'll look around for coaches/counselors and workshops. We'll see.