Sex Again..."Sex in Six" programs...It begins...

So, I've finally made it to the end. Now it's time to act.

Week #1: 

Kiss: Daily kisses, unexpected kisses, and incorporate other kissing exercises offered in the book

Breathe: Synchronize your breathing (explained in the book)

Sex Again...part three: "Balance and Connect"

Some excerpts I found especially important:

Ch. 10--

• "Just as each person in a relationship has his or her own yin/yang balance, so does the relationship." (pg. 157)
• "When you are centered in yourself, you can forge close emotional and energetic bonds without losing yourself." (pg. 158)
• "Lack of libido may indicate not just imbalance but also that energy is not moving between partners as it should on the occasion when they do have sex. It may also be a symptom of energy not flowing properly within one partner's body (or both)." (pg. 162)
• "Intercourse is a physical embodiment of the relationship of yin and yang, yang entering yin, transforming once again into yang." (pg. 162)
• "To nourish a strong sexual connection, both partners need to play to their lover's dominant aspect. That they may require tapping into your non-dominant trait at least a bit, until you find that exquisite balance between you and another." (pg. 164)
• "...sex is a great way to get qi moving, and free-flowing qi is an important precondition for balanced yin and yang." (pg. 164)
• "Sex can help yin transform into yang, and yang, transform into yin, re-creating balance." (pg. 164)
• "In the early phase of a relationship, sex is a big part of what forms the bond between two people. As time passes, we no longer need sex to create the bond between us, but we do need it to keep that bond strong....Sex literally, physically joins two people--and their energies--together; it nourishes the relationship in a way nothing else can." (pg. 164)

Some advice from chapter 10--

1. Look to yourself first...you can't change your partner, you can only change you.
2. Identify imbalance
3. Own your judgments...reign in your expectations
4. Focus on what you love about your partner (check out my "35 things I love about my husband" series)
5. Communicate
6. Trust your relationship to shift and change as necessary
7. Be a sounding board for your partner
8. Be choosy about what energy you allow yourself to absorb from your partner
9. Put in the work
10. Find the Middle Way

Summary--

"Have sex and you'll move qi and re-balance yin and yang between you, highlighting your connection. An experience of intimacy is especially powerful when circumstances are conspiring to pull you two apart, so there's no better for sex than when the going is tough. (Caveat: Sex cannot take the place of working on what you need to work on.)" (pg. 186)

Ch. 11-- Kissing and Foreplay

"The state of your "kissing life" is a pretty good representative of the state of your sex life."

No frigging kidding, right? I mean...we kiss. We kiss well. But, we certainly don't kiss like we used to...or as often.

That's a problem. And it's the first order of business once the book takes on it's "Sex in Six" program in the final chapters.

More on that later.

"The ancient Taoists touted foreplay because it generates qi and harmonizes yin and yang....Foreplay calms yang...and nourishes yin."

THE GOLDEN RULE OF FOREPLAY: Do unto your partner as they would have done unto them. Not, in other words, what you'd like done to you.

"Allow plenty of time to spend on foreplay. Don't wait until the last minute to have sex, when you're already tired."

"Do what works--but branch out into techniques related to what you know works. That way you will add to your repertoire."

"Delay penetration as long as possible."

"...begin with stimulating the secondary zones, then move to the primary, and finally the tertiary. This makes sure foreplay begins somewhere other than the genitals..."

Ch. 12/13/14

These chapters cover oral sex, sexual positions, and orgasms. I'm not going into any detail on those here...mainly because none of this was new information for me here. I suppose if you didn't have much experience or needed some brief sexual pointers, they might be helpful.

Sex Again...Part Two (chapters 5-9)

Ch. 5 "You First"

This chapter mainly review the concept of personal balance. It explains how yin and yang are interdependent, and that "the trick is to balance the two rather than pick one or the other." The author also points out that yin and yang are always shifting and that perfection isn't optimal or even possible.

The most important point in the chapter is simply that our balance within is a product of our balance "without"...meaning, our world affects our internal being, just as our attitude and energy affect our world. Everything is reliant on everything else. "So not only will improving your sex life improve your mood, but improving your sex life will improve your mood." Basically...it doesn't matter what you start working on, as long as you start working - the rest will come.

The chapter ends by providing a list of characteristics often found in people with low yin or yang (signs of imbalance).

The "To Do (It) List" at the end of the chapter includes the following suggestions: take care of your general health and mental health, eat right and exercise, practice mindfulness, de-stress, be in nature,

Ch. 6 "Putting Your Mind To It"

The title of this chapter says it all - sex (and libido) are partially (maybe completely) a state of mind. The chapter opens with a discussion on the importance of breathing intentionally, meditating, staying focused, and relaxing..."...where your mind goes, your qi will follow.

Ch. 7 "Getting in Touch"

This chapter is all about getting energy moving through the body through massage (namely, self-massage).

Ch. 8 "Sometimes It's All About You"

This chapter is about the importance of masturbation and how it can encourage you to explore your body and its needs.

Ch. 9 "Do It Yourself"

This is where the work begins...all the background has been provided...all the exercises explained. Now it's time to put it all together and start "doing."

So this is how I am going about it - This week, I'll tackle "phase 1" (page 150): This entails consciously thinking about sex with my husband every day...basically meditating. So, now that I'm adding meditation to my morning routine - this week, that space and time will be devoted to focusing on my husband and our physical bond. I'll incorporate deep breathing with this to encourage the flow of energy through my body.

Let's get this "party" started, shall we?

Ch. 4...Sex Again: " I'm too tired for sex"

Now, that's totally me. And now that I've read this chapter, I'm feeling like maybe I'm more yang-deficient than yin deficient. Hmmmm...

• low metablolism/weight gain
• need a lot of sleep, but don't feel refreshed - even when you get it
• dark circles under eyes
• no physical, mental, or emotional energy for sexual activity
• stressed out
• fatigue 
• low thyroid is common (my results came back normal...) and issues with adrenal or pituitary glands (all of these mess with metabolism and circulation)
• aches and pains (esp. knees and low back)
• poor circulation (can reduce sexual sensation)
• hormonal imbalance
• digestive disturbances
• low immune function
• gloomy, shut down, passive

"Boosting yang will restore balance and in so doing improve general energy levels - and revive libido."

My doctor put me on estrogen, progesterone, and testosterone therapies. But, in both of these chapters, it seems that one is usually not deficient in all three. Maybe using all three is an attempt to boost whichever one is the culprit without having to wait so long, since none of these are terribly fast-acting.

Based on Blakeway's description, it would seem I have both deficient AND elevated estrogen levels, both low AND high progesterone, and low testosterone. Hmmm....I will be bring this book to my next doctor's visit, for sure. AND I'll be bringing to the acupuncurist to discuss the herbal remedies.

This chapter also suggests some particular "exercises" to boost yang energy: "Buddha Belly," "The Loop," and "The Squeeze." Blakeway suggests eating whole grains (other than wheat), aerobic exercise, animal proteins, yogurt (but little dairy, otherwise), several small meals vs. few large meals, lowering alcohol/caffeine/salt intake, managing stress (ha!), taking chromium supplements, acupuncture, and several herbal/tea supplements.

A lot to think about here...so I'm off...I might get around to beginning part two of the book today, but among all the chores, errands, and a sick kid, it's unlikely...

So, until next time...

Sex Again...Ch. 3: "I'm not sexy enough for sex"

Honestly, I think I have a fairly decent and realistic body image. I know I have faults...but those faults are natural. I've always had a big rear...always been curvy....always had cellulite on my thighs. The flat tummy became a thing of the past when I had my son, and now that I'm a mom, I carry more weight than I should, stress eat, and find myself to be a bit "rounder" and "softer" than I'd really like. But, ultimately, I'm really okay with my body most of the time. Oh sure, I have my phases. My clothes just don't seem to fit right, I can't find anything to wear, I'm bloated and feel fat...I get on the scale after a vacation. You know.

So, the chapter of this title just doesn't "say it" for me. And what's in the chapter doesn't really go with the title.

This chapter is mostly about yin and yang and the dynamic balance of the two. It's about having energy that flows equally on both sides. There's a little quiz in this chapter to help determine if you are deficient in either yin or yang (apparently, I'm low in yin - who knew!?). It gives me information to arm myself for the acupuncuturist. I feel like I can walk in and actually sort of sound like I know what I'm talking about, Instead of him asking, "So how are you feeling today?" or "What issues would you like to focus on?" I can actually say, "So, I'm a bit heavy on my yang right now and likely may be low in estrogen and high in progesterone. I need to unblock my qi to help increase yin...and hopefully jumpstart my libido.

Here's a bit of a definition of yin and yang, in relation to your sex life (according to the book):

"The state of your health, both physical and emotional, depends on the balance of yin and yang within you; the helath of your relationship depends on the balance of yin and yang between you and your partner. And your sex life depends on both the state of your overall health and the state of your relationship. If there's an imbalance anywhere, it will show in your helath, your psychological well-being, your relationship--and your sex drive. In fact, lack of libido is one big flashing sign that something has fallen out of balance."

Solutions to low yin or yang:

• acupuncture (yes...I realize this book was written by an acupuncturist, so I get the push)
• massage
• herbal supplements
• yoga
• building up areas in which you are low (I assume this means looking at the chart in the chapter)

For those of us with low yin:

• read, watch, and think "sexy" stuff -- basically feed your mind what you want it to provide
• self-care (hair, nails, make-up, clothing...get rid of what doesn't make you feel "great")
• exercise and watch your weight (ugh...always with the exercise)
• eat right (whole, real foods - too much red meat can suppress estrogen production - choose yin-nourishing foods and estrogen-boosting foods - take the correct vitamins/supplements)
• hydrate and avoid alcohol and caffeine (ugh...again)
• evaluate your medications and their effects of libido/hormone levels/yin levels
• sleep
• manage stress

There's a great section in this chapter titled "Sex Never Gets Old, Neither Does Sexy." This is plain to see when I look around. I see older ladies...in their 60s and 70s and beyond, dressing for their body type, caring for their hair, smiling. Gray hair and wrinkles do not make one unsexy. Quite to the contrary. They can do the opposite Older women often seem more "at peace" with themselves and the people around them...more calm and capable of giving...more self-assured. Qualities that come with (or improve) with age. Of course, I am generalizing. But, you get the point. The book also points out (something I already knew) that, "True sexual intimacy and deep connection require experience and maturity." The book also warns against the common hole we can fall into - getting hung up on appearances: " When we are young, pure physical attraction gets our motors running. We can decided who to have sex with on the basis of whether we like what we see. We can decide if we feel sexual, based on how we thing we look. But, if you stay dependent on this most basic drive to get you going, then sex will tend to drop off as you age."

This chapter also addresses long-term relationships and how sex can become "routine." Blakeway writes, "It's easy to shut down sexually when we start to feel less responsive in the old, familiar ways." Basically, when our routine stops working, we fall apart. We get down on ourselves. We worry it's "broken."

Finally, the chapter addresses the yin and yang between a couple. Because, not only are yin and yang at play within you...that are traveling between you and your partner. His yang addresses your yin, and your yang adresses his yin. Blakeway states, "In this way of thinking, intercourse is about giving and receiving, creation and transformation, initiation and reciprocation. If the energy is a little off here or there, the whole system can run into trouble. But when it is in relative balance, everything runs smoothly." She goes on to explain that, "Western medicince views sexual response as part of a similarly tricky balanace--but of hormones, rather than energy...." and that "...hormone imbalance is the most common physical cause of sexual problems in women."

The chapter closes with an explanation of the different hormones and how they relate to yin and yang and libido.

An info-packed chapter, to be sure. And one to be considered, mentally, as I wander around the house today, cleaning, creating my micro-wardrobe (more on that later) and, running errands.

Bye for now,

Sex Again...chapter 2 "I'm Too Stressed for Sex"

Well if this chapter was written just for me! And after reading it, I'm certainly glad to have made an acupuncture appointment. Hopefully, coming to the appointment armed with the information that I need to get my qi (chee) - or energy - flowing to help revive my libido...since sexual energy is one type of qi, and nothing stops the flow of it faster than stress (of which I am a constant harbinger). The chapter notes that "stress builds up when qi is stuck and can cause a host of physical, emotional, and relationship problems."

Some other notable points:

• having sex boost qi and can invigorate its flow
• stagnant qi can cause muscle aches, irritability, distractibility, overwhelm, and lack of focus
• stress triggers a hormonal chain reaction that ultimately suppresses libido
• having stress and not moving your qi will lessen your ability to enjoy sex, which will push sex even further down on the list of priorities, causing relationship strain, guild, and even more stress
• learning to move your qi is key
• some solutions: aerobic exercise, Xiao Yao Wan (Relaxed Wander) - herbal blend, massage (yep! I made an appointment!)
• without enough qi, you might not be able to spark your own libido

For this chapter, which was a quick one, I'm really just left with the intention to meet with my acupuncturist and be as honest as possible about my intentions. Armed with the background information from the book, I can easily say, "I'm having libido issues which I think stem from my hormones being imbalanced (which I'm seeing a homeopathic doctor to address) and from having stagnant qi...I need you to help me get my qi moving again." I'll also bring up the herbal supplement to see if that's a necessary addition to my regimen. And then, of course, there's the additio of a massage - oh darn. All the self-care...what's a girl to do but wallow in bliss? And hopefully...increased desire!

I can admit that yesterday, after spending so much time considering all of this, my mind was fully present, and I was all over my husband when he got home. 

I also made this move - I initiated sex earlier in the evening, before we had the chance to plant our behinds on the couch and lose interest. It worked. And having sex kept my mind on it even when we went to bed, and I still wanted it. Not at all like me, as of late, but refreshing. And of course, hubby obliged (why would he not?). 

The feeling carried over to today, though I have to admit, I'm a bit tired from going to bed so late and then getting up early to drive to an out-of-town meeting. 

Oh well...it was worth it.

Sex Again...chapter 1 "Sexual Healing"

I started this book a few weeks ago...in fact, it's one of the things I bought my husband for his birthday (sort of a message that I was committed to try something different). But then, as usual, I glommed on to too many "solutions" and all of them fell by the wayside.

So, now that I'm "uncluttering" and "focusing" on "one thing at a time," it's time to go back and really think it all through (skip to the end of this post for "personal reflection").

*****

Chapter 1 "Sexual Healing" -- main points -- Sex is key to a stable, strong, loving relationship.

"Just Do It"

• lack of desire breeds lack of desire
• lack of sex breeds lack of desire
• to have sex...to want more sex...you have to have sex
• the more sex you have, the more you'll want
• the more you enjoy sex, the more satisfying it is, and the more you'll want to have it

"Sex is Good for You"

• you should want to have sex
• your sexuality is an integral part of identity
• sex is key to a relationship
• a couple's sexuality is an integral part of what makes a couple a couple
• sex helps create the strongest bond, particularly over the long haul
• sex helps create stability
• having sex literally "makes love" 
• having sex increases libido
• having sex is the single best thing to do about lack of desire

"Energy and Balance"

• combination of issues behind lost of interest in sex: body, mood, relationship
• Chinese medicine addresses all these issues together
• Western medicine addresses all separately (divide and conquer?)
• The Sex in Six program helps you restore energy levels, rebalance your self and your relationship, and recharge your sex drive...in any order!

"Good Sex"

• good sex is about connection between two people
• it is about the mutual flow of energy between partners
• good sex comes from & takes you to a state of balanced energy
• it's about the sense of union (two-becomes-one)
• it's physical, psychological, emotional, and spiritual
• when desire is gone, it is often because the sense of connection is missing
• may connect you to "universal energy" as well

"Good Sex Again"

• having sex is "making" love
• good sex inspires and builds love...it expresses love...it is love
• it's a mutal exchange of shared energy, flowing in both directions
• it is energizing and energy-balancing
• it is committed...with both partners "present"
• it is pleasurable
• it is satisfying
• it is a total body experience...involves all 5 senses...heart, body and mind
• it is a form of communication
• it is meaningful

"Bad (or non-existent) Sex"

• can generate negative emotions and alienate partners (no shit!)
• it can leave you feeling the relationship is incomplete
• it wastes/misuses your (and your partner's) sexual energy
• both of you feel drained, rather than revitalized
• bad sex is sex that leaves you feeling sad, depressed, empty
• it is disconnected or devoid of emotion
• it is monotonous or exhausting
• it is a power struggle
• it is goal oriented or merely mechanical
• it is only about relieving stress or having an orgasm
• it leaves you physically or emotionally unsatisfied
• it is too rushed or focuses on performance

"A Little More Conversation" (journaling opps in bold)

• if you want to be a good sexual partner, you are going to have to figure out what your partner needs and wants, likes and dislikes
• if you want your partner to know what you need and want, like and dislike, you're going to have to tell him
• start with all the things that are working for you in your current sexual experience...be specific, sincere, and enthusiastic
• find out what your partner likes...what he'd like more of...what he'd like to try...his fantasies
• create a safe space for full and free discussion
• don't dredge up the past
• listen carefully
• this is valuable information...you are going to want to ACT ON IT
• keep an open mind
• don't criticize
• share what you'd like more of

End of Chapter "To Do (It) List: Getting to Good Sex"

• be a generous lover
• keep your mind on the matter at hand
• honor your body and your sexuality
• aim for variety, creativity, and surprise
• take care of your (and your partner's) well-being 
• have a spiritual or meditative practice
• know yourself
• focus on the sex, not the orgasm
• choose regular sex over occasional but explosive sex
• experience the emotion of the sexual encounter
• live a passionate life
• value the connection...honor the bond

(the items in bold are a bit lofty for quick consideration on a "to do" list...so I'll likely come back to those at another time)

I'll create a "To Work On List"

• honor your body and your sexuality
• have a spiritual or meditative practice
• know yourself
• live a passionate life
• 
  

So yes, I can definitely see this is the place where I am right now. The "just doing it" phase of the game. Because she's right...and it's a complaint my husband has shared often - we are not (or should not be) "roommates" or "co-parents" only. In order to have a happy, complete marriage...a real marriage...a "union of souls" (sorry for any cheesy-ness here), there has to be desire and physical/non-verbal communication that bonds us. And that is done through sexual or physical touch. Kissing, caressing, holding, hugging, and sex. There's something rather spiritual about that, right? Something way bigger than us. 

I'm not Christian, but I am spiritual...or at least I used to be. I've kind of lost track of that part of myself - which is possibly part of the problem. Not keeping in mind the importance of my connection to the world around me and the connection I have, or should have, with the people and beings in it allows me to "disconnect" and focus on stuff that really doesn't matter. I suppose I could have a spiritual connection with stuff...but it cannot have a connection back with me. So my spiritual efforts are definitely misdirected sometimes. 

Ultimately, my "take away" from this section is that sex has to be at the forefront of my mind if I'm going to do anything to save my marriage. It's the fundamental, non-verbal, deep, spritual connection I have with my husband...or should have...DID have. Which is why it's something you can crave FOREVER, not just when a relationship is new. While sex is not new, and our responses to it and our knowledge of each other's bodies is not new, the communication that occurs when we touch, that vibration, that energy is something that sustains our well-being and is necessary to living not only a connected life, but a true union. Regardless of your spiritual inclination, what higher being wouldn't want that for us. And if we're talking "meaning of life" here...what else is there, really? That human connection is imperative. 

Sex is way bigger than just slot A going into slot B, when you think of it like that.

I also went ahead and made an acupuncture appointment and a massage appointment as soon as I read this section. Just saying...self-care is important, but if I can manage to physically boost the travel of energy beneath my skin, that's got to be good, right? My acupuncturist may also be able to suggest some good supplements. I'll ask him about the ones she mentions in the book (more to come on that later).

Sadly, after reading this chapter, I realize we've been having "bad sex" for some time...that is - WHEN we have it, which isn't often anymore. But, of course, having bad or little or no sex is just a product of a bigger problem. 

I like how this book posits the solution being bigger than just learning to have better sex - since honestly, that's not realistic on its own. The interactive nature of all the parts is heartening and takes a bit of the stress off, I think. Basically, it's like the author is saying, just get in there in do "something" right. There is right place to begin, and sitting back planning it out to perfection isn't going to help anything - or get you started.

So, I am at the "Conversation" part of the chapter at this point.

Dev and I have talked a lot of sex...what we like, what we want...we've actually never been terrible at communication. It's only recently, and that's because I'm so tired of fighting I just shut down. And...I feel like it's all already been said. And now, we are both on the defensive, so it's hard to do anything with a positive attitude. We have lost trust in each other. And that's bad. 

Luckily, I already know quite a bit about what he wants. So, I have a place to begin without having much intense conversation for now. I know he likes (and I like) for him to be "in charge." It's not everyone's thing, but we go in for a bit of the "submission/dominance". It works for us, but the problem is, we haven't clearly defined it. So, it ends up causing contention, because his concept isn't necessarily the same as mine, and I'm not completely clear on what mine is, anyway.

That's surely something I need to explore. Ahhh...some journaling opportunities! So I guess I'm off to do some writing.