So, now that I'm "uncluttering" and "focusing" on "one thing at a time," it's time to go back and really think it all through (skip to the end of this post for "personal reflection").
*****
Chapter 1 "Sexual Healing" -- main points -- Sex is key to a stable, strong, loving relationship.
"Just Do It"
- lack of desire breeds lack of desire
- lack of sex breeds lack of desire
- to have sex...to want more sex...you have to have sex
- the more sex you have, the more you'll want
- the more you enjoy sex, the more satisfying it is, and the more you'll want to have it
"Sex is Good for You"
- you should want to have sex
- your sexuality is an integral part of identity
- sex is key to a relationship
- a couple's sexuality is an integral part of what makes a couple a couple
- sex helps create the strongest bond, particularly over the long haul
- sex helps create stability
- having sex literally "makes love"
- having sex increases libido
- having sex is the single best thing to do about lack of desire
"Energy and Balance"
- combination of issues behind lost of interest in sex: body, mood, relationship
- Chinese medicine addresses all these issues together
- Western medicine addresses all separately (divide and conquer?)
- The Sex in Six program helps you restore energy levels, rebalance your self and your relationship, and recharge your sex drive...in any order!
"Good Sex"
- good sex is about connection between two people
- it is about the mutual flow of energy between partners
- good sex comes from & takes you to a state of balanced energy
- it's about the sense of union (two-becomes-one)
- it's physical, psychological, emotional, and spiritual
- when desire is gone, it is often because the sense of connection is missing
- may connect you to "universal energy" as well
"Good Sex Again"
- having sex is "making" love
- good sex inspires and builds love...it expresses love...it is love
- it's a mutal exchange of shared energy, flowing in both directions
- it is energizing and energy-balancing
- it is committed...with both partners "present"
- it is pleasurable
- it is satisfying
- it is a total body experience...involves all 5 senses...heart, body and mind
- it is a form of communication
- it is meaningful
"Bad (or non-existent) Sex"
- can generate negative emotions and alienate partners (no shit!)
- it can leave you feeling the relationship is incomplete
- it wastes/misuses your (and your partner's) sexual energy
- both of you feel drained, rather than revitalized
- bad sex is sex that leaves you feeling sad, depressed, empty
- it is disconnected or devoid of emotion
- it is monotonous or exhausting
- it is a power struggle
- it is goal oriented or merely mechanical
- it is only about relieving stress or having an orgasm
- it leaves you physically or emotionally unsatisfied
- it is too rushed or focuses on performance
"A Little More Conversation" (journaling opps in bold)
- if you want to be a good sexual partner, you are going to have to figure out what your partner needs and wants, likes and dislikes
- if you want your partner to know what you need and want, like and dislike, you're going to have to tell him
- start with all the things that are working for you in your current sexual experience...be specific, sincere, and enthusiastic
- find out what your partner likes...what he'd like more of...what he'd like to try...his fantasies
- create a safe space for full and free discussion
- don't dredge up the past
- listen carefully
- this is valuable information...you are going to want to ACT ON IT
- keep an open mind
- don't criticize
- share what you'd like more of
End of Chapter "To Do (It) List: Getting to Good Sex"
- be a generous lover
- keep your mind on the matter at hand
- honor your body and your sexuality
- aim for variety, creativity, and surprise
- take care of your (and your partner's) well-being
- have a spiritual or meditative practice
- know yourself
- focus on the sex, not the orgasm
- choose regular sex over occasional but explosive sex
- experience the emotion of the sexual encounter
- live a passionate life
- value the connection...honor the bond
(the items in bold are a bit lofty for quick consideration on a "to do" list...so I'll likely come back to those at another time)
I'll create a "To Work On List"
- honor your body and your sexuality
- have a spiritual or meditative practice
- know yourself
- live a passionate life
So yes, I can definitely see this is the place where I am right now. The "just doing it" phase of the game. Because she's right...and it's a complaint my husband has shared often - we are not (or should not be) "roommates" or "co-parents" only. In order to have a happy, complete marriage...a real marriage...a "union of souls" (sorry for any cheesy-ness here), there has to be desire and physical/non-verbal communication that bonds us. And that is done through sexual or physical touch. Kissing, caressing, holding, hugging, and sex. There's something rather spiritual about that, right? Something way bigger than us.
I'm not Christian, but I am spiritual...or at least I used to be. I've kind of lost track of that part of myself - which is possibly part of the problem. Not keeping in mind the importance of my connection to the world around me and the connection I have, or should have, with the people and beings in it allows me to "disconnect" and focus on stuff that really doesn't matter. I suppose I could have a spiritual connection with stuff...but it cannot have a connection back with me. So my spiritual efforts are definitely misdirected sometimes.
Ultimately, my "take away" from this section is that sex has to be at the forefront of my mind if I'm going to do anything to save my marriage. It's the fundamental, non-verbal, deep, spritual connection I have with my husband...or should have...DID have. Which is why it's something you can crave FOREVER, not just when a relationship is new. While sex is not new, and our responses to it and our knowledge of each other's bodies is not new, the communication that occurs when we touch, that vibration, that energy is something that sustains our well-being and is necessary to living not only a connected life, but a true union. Regardless of your spiritual inclination, what higher being wouldn't want that for us. And if we're talking "meaning of life" here...what else is there, really? That human connection is imperative.
Sex is way bigger than just slot A going into slot B, when you think of it like that.
I also went ahead and made an acupuncture appointment and a massage appointment as soon as I read this section. Just saying...self-care is important, but if I can manage to physically boost the travel of energy beneath my skin, that's got to be good, right? My acupuncturist may also be able to suggest some good supplements. I'll ask him about the ones she mentions in the book (more to come on that later).
Sadly, after reading this chapter, I realize we've been having "bad sex" for some time...that is - WHEN we have it, which isn't often anymore. But, of course, having bad or little or no sex is just a product of a bigger problem.
I like how this book posits the solution being bigger than just learning to have better sex - since honestly, that's not realistic on its own. The interactive nature of all the parts is heartening and takes a bit of the stress off, I think. Basically, it's like the author is saying, just get in there in do "something" right. There is right place to begin, and sitting back planning it out to perfection isn't going to help anything - or get you started.
So, I am at the "Conversation" part of the chapter at this point.
Dev and I have talked a lot of sex...what we like, what we want...we've actually never been terrible at communication. It's only recently, and that's because I'm so tired of fighting I just shut down. And...I feel like it's all already been said. And now, we are both on the defensive, so it's hard to do anything with a positive attitude. We have lost trust in each other. And that's bad.
Luckily, I already know quite a bit about what he wants. So, I have a place to begin without having much intense conversation for now. I know he likes (and I like) for him to be "in charge." It's not everyone's thing, but we go in for a bit of the "submission/dominance". It works for us, but the problem is, we haven't clearly defined it. So, it ends up causing contention, because his concept isn't necessarily the same as mine, and I'm not completely clear on what mine is, anyway.
That's surely something I need to explore. Ahhh...some journaling opportunities! So I guess I'm off to do some writing.
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