Sex in Marriage -- when talking about sex becomes a problem

We fight a lot about sex. In fact, it's almost the only think we fight about...because we can't seem to get on the same page with it.

And through all of our conversations over these years, my take-aways are starting to merge and become more defined, in a way that I think I may be starting to understand a few things about our sex life, our marriage, and what both of us need out of our time together.

#1; We don't have to be here. We have chosen this, and should consciously choose it every day. I think he's better at this than I am. He stays more focused on us than I do. My mind wanders, and when it does, I lose track of what matters. I get all hopped up on work and parenting and housework and forget that there are these beautiful things called love, happiness, and fun, right in front of my face...and that focusing on those things that add to my/our overall well-being is more important that getting shit done. Yes, we have responsibilities, but "Things which matter most must never be at the mercy of things which matter least." (Goethe)

#2: He experiences love and true connection (emotional and, likely, spiritual) through sex. He needs sex with me because it's what cements our relationship. I'm just now learning that the same is actually true for me. I think I need sex as much as he does, because it DOES deepen the connection. And the D/s aspect of it also deepens the connection for me in ways that a "normal" married sex life might not...most likely because it really makes me focus on the trust necessary for a D/s relationship to be successful. Oddly, I think, after reading Sex Again: Recharging Your Libido, that the author is right -- simply having sex might actually fix (or at least really help in solving) our problems.

We are a close couple. We talk about all kinds of stuff, but we've mostly stopped talking about sex because it hurts, causes anxiety, and just plain pisses both of us off. Doing it doesn't piss us off. So maybe doing it is where to start. Do now. talk later...  Just a thought.

#3: We both have to take active roles in "doing marriage" rather than just "being married." Once again, he's better at this, but we could both use guidance from each other on what those active roles should be.

After reading The Soulmate Experience, I'd say that we both take each other's actions too personally. When I don't initiate sex, he feels unwanted. When he feels unwanted, he becomes depressed. But my not initiating isn't always a matter of not wanting it. Likewise, when he doesn't do the jobs around the house I ask him to do, I feel slighted. But he isn't really avoiding chores because he takes me for granted. He avoids chores because he'd rather do other things. Something I could take a lesson from once in a while. Basically, we both probably need to take more responsibility for the things that we want from the relationship and our lifestyle and home. I'm not likely to change him. And he isn't likely to change me (though he feels I HAVE changed since we got married and that he has not).

#4: He needs "adventure" and I need "safety and romance." How best to blend those two? Trust is certainly a big part of it. Though I have to admit, I get bored and restless when things become too routine in my life. I feel like a hamster on a wheel going nowhere. But does my feeling of safety have to come at the price of boredom? Probably not. My concept of safety simply needs to be modified. If I trust him, I am safe, no matter what adventure he takes me on, right? The problem arises when I don't like the adventure, but he does. What then? Do I just go along because it's what he wants? See that's where we end up in trouble....and fighting. A big part of the problem is that we don't really understand each other's definitions of adventure and romance.

#5: He needs to feel wanted and I need to feel loved and cared for. Our biggest fights are about his not feeling wanted. The question always resurfaces..."Why don't you want me?" and my resounding answer, "What does that look like to you? What does me wanting you look like?" And then he gets mad because he feels he shouldn't have to explain it. I should just know. Because I used to know.

How is that two people who communicate perfectly well in every other regard can't seem to get their shit together when it comes to sex and intimacy?

At least we haven't given up.

Sex Again...Ch. 3: "I'm not sexy enough for sex"

Honestly, I think I have a fairly decent and realistic body image. I know I have faults...but those faults are natural. I've always had a big rear...always been curvy....always had cellulite on my thighs. The flat tummy became a thing of the past when I had my son, and now that I'm a mom, I carry more weight than I should, stress eat, and find myself to be a bit "rounder" and "softer" than I'd really like. But, ultimately, I'm really okay with my body most of the time. Oh sure, I have my phases. My clothes just don't seem to fit right, I can't find anything to wear, I'm bloated and feel fat...I get on the scale after a vacation. You know.

So, the chapter of this title just doesn't "say it" for me. And what's in the chapter doesn't really go with the title.

This chapter is mostly about yin and yang and the dynamic balance of the two. It's about having energy that flows equally on both sides. There's a little quiz in this chapter to help determine if you are deficient in either yin or yang (apparently, I'm low in yin - who knew!?). It gives me information to arm myself for the acupuncuturist. I feel like I can walk in and actually sort of sound like I know what I'm talking about, Instead of him asking, "So how are you feeling today?" or "What issues would you like to focus on?" I can actually say, "So, I'm a bit heavy on my yang right now and likely may be low in estrogen and high in progesterone. I need to unblock my qi to help increase yin...and hopefully jumpstart my libido.

Here's a bit of a definition of yin and yang, in relation to your sex life (according to the book):

"The state of your health, both physical and emotional, depends on the balance of yin and yang within you; the helath of your relationship depends on the balance of yin and yang between you and your partner. And your sex life depends on both the state of your overall health and the state of your relationship. If there's an imbalance anywhere, it will show in your helath, your psychological well-being, your relationship--and your sex drive. In fact, lack of libido is one big flashing sign that something has fallen out of balance."

Solutions to low yin or yang:

• acupuncture (yes...I realize this book was written by an acupuncturist, so I get the push)
• massage
• herbal supplements
• yoga
• building up areas in which you are low (I assume this means looking at the chart in the chapter)

For those of us with low yin:

• read, watch, and think "sexy" stuff -- basically feed your mind what you want it to provide
• self-care (hair, nails, make-up, clothing...get rid of what doesn't make you feel "great")
• exercise and watch your weight (ugh...always with the exercise)
• eat right (whole, real foods - too much red meat can suppress estrogen production - choose yin-nourishing foods and estrogen-boosting foods - take the correct vitamins/supplements)
• hydrate and avoid alcohol and caffeine (ugh...again)
• evaluate your medications and their effects of libido/hormone levels/yin levels
• sleep
• manage stress

There's a great section in this chapter titled "Sex Never Gets Old, Neither Does Sexy." This is plain to see when I look around. I see older ladies...in their 60s and 70s and beyond, dressing for their body type, caring for their hair, smiling. Gray hair and wrinkles do not make one unsexy. Quite to the contrary. They can do the opposite Older women often seem more "at peace" with themselves and the people around them...more calm and capable of giving...more self-assured. Qualities that come with (or improve) with age. Of course, I am generalizing. But, you get the point. The book also points out (something I already knew) that, "True sexual intimacy and deep connection require experience and maturity." The book also warns against the common hole we can fall into - getting hung up on appearances: " When we are young, pure physical attraction gets our motors running. We can decided who to have sex with on the basis of whether we like what we see. We can decide if we feel sexual, based on how we thing we look. But, if you stay dependent on this most basic drive to get you going, then sex will tend to drop off as you age."

This chapter also addresses long-term relationships and how sex can become "routine." Blakeway writes, "It's easy to shut down sexually when we start to feel less responsive in the old, familiar ways." Basically, when our routine stops working, we fall apart. We get down on ourselves. We worry it's "broken."

Finally, the chapter addresses the yin and yang between a couple. Because, not only are yin and yang at play within you...that are traveling between you and your partner. His yang addresses your yin, and your yang adresses his yin. Blakeway states, "In this way of thinking, intercourse is about giving and receiving, creation and transformation, initiation and reciprocation. If the energy is a little off here or there, the whole system can run into trouble. But when it is in relative balance, everything runs smoothly." She goes on to explain that, "Western medicince views sexual response as part of a similarly tricky balanace--but of hormones, rather than energy...." and that "...hormone imbalance is the most common physical cause of sexual problems in women."

The chapter closes with an explanation of the different hormones and how they relate to yin and yang and libido.

An info-packed chapter, to be sure. And one to be considered, mentally, as I wander around the house today, cleaning, creating my micro-wardrobe (more on that later) and, running errands.

Bye for now,

Sex Again...chapter 2 "I'm Too Stressed for Sex"

Well if this chapter was written just for me! And after reading it, I'm certainly glad to have made an acupuncture appointment. Hopefully, coming to the appointment armed with the information that I need to get my qi (chee) - or energy - flowing to help revive my libido...since sexual energy is one type of qi, and nothing stops the flow of it faster than stress (of which I am a constant harbinger). The chapter notes that "stress builds up when qi is stuck and can cause a host of physical, emotional, and relationship problems."

Some other notable points:

• having sex boost qi and can invigorate its flow
• stagnant qi can cause muscle aches, irritability, distractibility, overwhelm, and lack of focus
• stress triggers a hormonal chain reaction that ultimately suppresses libido
• having stress and not moving your qi will lessen your ability to enjoy sex, which will push sex even further down on the list of priorities, causing relationship strain, guild, and even more stress
• learning to move your qi is key
• some solutions: aerobic exercise, Xiao Yao Wan (Relaxed Wander) - herbal blend, massage (yep! I made an appointment!)
• without enough qi, you might not be able to spark your own libido

For this chapter, which was a quick one, I'm really just left with the intention to meet with my acupuncturist and be as honest as possible about my intentions. Armed with the background information from the book, I can easily say, "I'm having libido issues which I think stem from my hormones being imbalanced (which I'm seeing a homeopathic doctor to address) and from having stagnant qi...I need you to help me get my qi moving again." I'll also bring up the herbal supplement to see if that's a necessary addition to my regimen. And then, of course, there's the additio of a massage - oh darn. All the self-care...what's a girl to do but wallow in bliss? And hopefully...increased desire!

I can admit that yesterday, after spending so much time considering all of this, my mind was fully present, and I was all over my husband when he got home. 

I also made this move - I initiated sex earlier in the evening, before we had the chance to plant our behinds on the couch and lose interest. It worked. And having sex kept my mind on it even when we went to bed, and I still wanted it. Not at all like me, as of late, but refreshing. And of course, hubby obliged (why would he not?). 

The feeling carried over to today, though I have to admit, I'm a bit tired from going to bed so late and then getting up early to drive to an out-of-town meeting. 

Oh well...it was worth it.

The viscious libido cycle

So I'm reading this book...Sex Again, and the groundbreaking advice so far...if you have a low libido, have sex, it'll bring it back. Funny thing...not having sex makes you not want to have sex. And having more sex...well...it may make you want to have sex more often. It's not a new concept. Believe me, I'm not clueless enough to think that avoiding sex will make me want it or that having sex helps.

The hard part is starting, when you haven't for awhile. The worry of judgement or suspicion (from him)...sort of like "why now?" or "really...what's changed?" The inevitable "conversation" if things don't go well. The disappointment. And because that's where I am right now, just initiating sex can be a struggle. It's just easier not to. But...that whole "fake it till you make it" idea can work, if both parties will let it. My quandry is getting the DH to accept that the sex might not be stellar at first...but atleast it's sex, right? I suppose bad sex is better than no sex if you're objective is to get back in the habit.

The whole premise of the book (so far) is that Chinese medicine addresses all parts of a person at the same time, rather than trying to remedy one thing at a time. It asserts that a human being is an interconnected organism in which all parts interact equally. To address a low libido, one must consider health, mood, sleep, diet, relationship issues, etc. And, according to the book, you can really start anywhere. If you address one thing, it will affect the others. It just depends which one you want to focus on first. And since sex is usually the biggest concern in a marriage where one partner has a decreased interest...it seems natural that this is the place to start.

So I bought...

I bought the journal with the intention that both of us could write in and maybe learn a thing or two that we didn't already know. Plus, just the sharing of all those intimate details has got to stir up some feelings, right?

And, since I'm so not creative in the realm of sex, this little box of cards will hopefully do the trick. I thought I'd stick one in his lunch tomorrow. Just for fun. You can also just shuffle the deck and let the cards fall where they may. The cards are two-sided, so I suppose you could chose between the two options.

I don't know...could be fun.