And through all of our conversations over these years, my take-aways are starting to merge and become more defined, in a way that I think I may be starting to understand a few things about our sex life, our marriage, and what both of us need out of our time together.
#1; We don't have to be here. We have chosen this, and should consciously choose it every day. I think he's better at this than I am. He stays more focused on us than I do. My mind wanders, and when it does, I lose track of what matters. I get all hopped up on work and parenting and housework and forget that there are these beautiful things called love, happiness, and fun, right in front of my face...and that focusing on those things that add to my/our overall well-being is more important that getting shit done. Yes, we have responsibilities, but "Things which matter most must never be at the mercy of things which matter least." (Goethe)
#2: He experiences love and true connection (emotional and, likely, spiritual) through sex. He needs sex with me because it's what cements our relationship. I'm just now learning that the same is actually true for me. I think I need sex as much as he does, because it DOES deepen the connection. And the D/s aspect of it also deepens the connection for me in ways that a "normal" married sex life might not...most likely because it really makes me focus on the trust necessary for a D/s relationship to be successful. Oddly, I think, after reading Sex Again: Recharging Your Libido, that the author is right -- simply having sex might actually fix (or at least really help in solving) our problems.
We are a close couple. We talk about all kinds of stuff, but we've mostly stopped talking about sex because it hurts, causes anxiety, and just plain pisses both of us off. Doing it doesn't piss us off. So maybe doing it is where to start. Do now. talk later... Just a thought.
#3: We both have to take active roles in "doing marriage" rather than just "being married." Once again, he's better at this, but we could both use guidance from each other on what those active roles should be.
After reading The Soulmate Experience, I'd say that we both take each other's actions too personally. When I don't initiate sex, he feels unwanted. When he feels unwanted, he becomes depressed. But my not initiating isn't always a matter of not wanting it. Likewise, when he doesn't do the jobs around the house I ask him to do, I feel slighted. But he isn't really avoiding chores because he takes me for granted. He avoids chores because he'd rather do other things. Something I could take a lesson from once in a while. Basically, we both probably need to take more responsibility for the things that we want from the relationship and our lifestyle and home. I'm not likely to change him. And he isn't likely to change me (though he feels I HAVE changed since we got married and that he has not).
#4: He needs "adventure" and I need "safety and romance." How best to blend those two? Trust is certainly a big part of it. Though I have to admit, I get bored and restless when things become too routine in my life. I feel like a hamster on a wheel going nowhere. But does my feeling of safety have to come at the price of boredom? Probably not. My concept of safety simply needs to be modified. If I trust him, I am safe, no matter what adventure he takes me on, right? The problem arises when I don't like the adventure, but he does. What then? Do I just go along because it's what he wants? See that's where we end up in trouble....and fighting. A big part of the problem is that we don't really understand each other's definitions of adventure and romance.
#5: He needs to feel wanted and I need to feel loved and cared for. Our biggest fights are about his not feeling wanted. The question always resurfaces..."Why don't you want me?" and my resounding answer, "What does that look like to you? What does me wanting you look like?" And then he gets mad because he feels he shouldn't have to explain it. I should just know. Because I used to know.
How is that two people who communicate perfectly well in every other regard can't seem to get their shit together when it comes to sex and intimacy?
At least we haven't given up.
No comments:
Post a Comment