Foreplay?

Ahhh...foreplay...it should be a hell of a lot more important to some of us than it is. And when I really think about it, it's probably the most necessary part of sex for me (and a lot of women). It's where I get my head into the game. Because if my head ain't in the game, my body isn't likely to follow. In the early stages of a relationship, lengthy, creative, drawn-out foreplay usually isn't required. After all, you're usually thinking about this person incessantly, and thinking about them will often lead to spicy thoughts about what you want to do to them later.

I used to have that. When I met my husband I was completely hot and bothered. I found him so irresistibly sexy I could hardly contain myself. I even remember a few "booty calls"...feeling that burning need to touch him, be with him, devour him.

So where did it go?

I think it got lost in pregnancy, recovering from a partial hysterectomy (both mentally and physically), depression, work, raising a child, and complacency. Boredom seems to have set in, in more ways than one. And my own loss of passion for life has bled over to a loss of passion for the people I hold most dear. I know that, ultimately, I'm at the wheel here, and that I can steer it which way I want to go.

It's gotten to the point where D. has even said, "If you need to go and be somewhere else for awhile, do it. I don't want to keep you here if you need that kind of freedom." But the thing is, the notion of leaving makes my insides boil. It makes me physically ill. Maybe a little of it is fear, not only of losing what I have, but also that maybe I'd actually be happier if I did go. Marriage and family is a choice I made, though. And while leaving might be the easiest way to make the pain stop, it isn't what I want. I love my husband and son. No matter how hard this is, it's worth fighting for. And I'm beginning to see (call me hard-headed...I don't know why it's taking me so long) that sex is really the "golden key."

Sex isn't just sex. At least not for my husband...and not for my marriage. Maybe for some people and couples it is. But for my husband, it's how he connects with me. It's not a completely new concept to me. He's told me before, in lots of different ways. And as I piece together all the bits of information he's provided over the past few years during our arguments (let's face it, I'm not at my most receptive when I'm defensive and angry), I've begun to truly let the message sink in.

Last night, I began writing in this journal that I bought for us...Sex: an Erotic Journal for Sexual Inspiration and Exploration. The first topic was Kissing. It involved a few prompts, including "What makes a good kisser?" and "Describe your most memorable kiss." The second topic (which I'm on today) is Foreplay, hence why I'm writing about it here. Anyhow, last night, I brought up the idea I'd had when I gave the book to D. for his birthday last month...that we could both write in it and read each other's responses. I hoped we might not only use the book to spark some ideas, but also to connect a bit...on a cerebral level. He seemed game for it then. But when I reminded him last night, he seemed less thrilled. Almost like he thought it was trite. He, of course, said okay. That he'd do it. That this is what I needed to feel connected, but it's not what he needs.

And he's right. It's not. I need the mental connection. He needs the physical connection.

And foreplay is the key to both of our needs. So maybe it isn't so much the sex/lack of sex that is the problem. Maybe it's the loss of good foreplay. Or not even the loss (since we didn't really used to need it), but rather the need for it now. We're only just past the "7 year itch." I guess this is when the harder work begins, right?

So, let's get to the question then...

"Typical" foreplay? We seem to have gotten rather boring in that regard. Honestly, it's maybe some kissing, maybe a back massage, maybe a few naughty texts throughout the day.... We've gotten to the point where jumping right in is the name of the game. Same strategy every time. And I'm as much to blame for this as he is.

I'm creative in many regards...hell, I'm not even a half-bad writer of erotica. But, for some reason, I'm just no good at creative "foreplay." D. has tried. Lots of times....intricate role-playing games (the naughty professor...), toys, blindfolds, tying me up. I've liked some it...not all of it. But, somehow, he's gotten the feeling that all of his efforts have been unappreciated. And since I don't come up with any of these ideas on my own, it all has sort of fallen by the wayside...which has put a pretty big roadblock in the middle of our sex life.

Rather than asking why, though - because really, that just comes down to complacency - I think it is more important to just figure out ways to fix the problem. And if the problem is lack of foreplay, then there has to be some brainstorming about what makes good foreplay, what I need in it  and from it, and what ideas I can use "right now"!

I already have identified that our current "foreplay" is lackluster at best. So, what makes good foreplay?

I guess the element of anticipation is really the goal. That build up, over short or long periods of time. The mind games that actually affect our physiology and make our bodies hum with a need that can only be filled by the person playing that game with us. So anything that makes me focus on him and our sexual connection is good foreplay.

There are the same old ideas I've heard (or tried) a million times:

Put naughty notes (or coupons or little stories) in the pockets of his uniform.
Text him a picture of one of these notes instead.
Send him pieces of an erotic story over the course of a day...sort of like tweets.
Do a virtual strip tease (text him photos throughout the day).
Whisper naughty things in his ear while he's cooking dinner.
Blindfold him.
Massage him.
Have a shower of a bath together.
Strip tease.
Masturbate for him.
Meet him at the door in lingerie.
Watch porn in bed.
Role play.

Some other places for ideas: