Turning Point

My marriage is in crisis, friends. So much so that the word "divorce" has come up more times in the past few days that it has ever come up during the course of our 10 year marriage. We aren't sleeping in the same room, and he's even done a spreadsheet to plan out how we might be able to divide our financial responsibilities fairly. We've discussed how it will affect our son, how it will affect us, who would go, who would stay.

But the crux? Neither of us really wants to go. Neither of us really wants it to end. We're just so at a loss. We've tried counselors and so many other things. And still, here we are, fighting about all the same old things, making no progress.

At what point does it make better sense for all involved...emotionally, spiritually, mentally, physically...to move on and heal? Would we be better off? Would our child? Would we find what we are looking for in someone else? Would we be able to let go of each other?

Intense, scary questions, dear readers...if you're out there. Questions I never thought I'd be asking myself.

And because I'm really NOT ready to let my marriage go, I'm devoting my month of November to saving it. This is triage, folks...not romance...not sweet sentiments of gratitude for an already sweet and abundant life. This is an emergency. And breathing life into a slowly and surely dying relationship is hard and tearful work, which I'm not fully sure I'm up to.

I'm calling it 21 Days of Action...21 days of showing my husband and son that I can't live without them. One gracious and meaningful act every day. And sure, if it were my normal type of planning, I'd wait until November, but see...this can't wait. I'm in the middle of a hurricane, and the only way I'm going to keep this little boat from going under is to pray, to have a whole heap-ton of faith in the necessity of our love, and to row like hell, fighting even when it seem completely futile - which, believe me, it often does. I've given up a dozen times in my mind.

But, see, the thing is, something bigger than fear keeps me here. And that something is love.

Robert Frost's poem isn't necessarily about marriage, and most certainly not specifically about mine...but as a poem, it lends itself to personal interpretation. That's what's so perfect about poetry and why I love it so much - it can mean what we need it to mean, and we can find solace and inspiration there. Right now, I'm like the narrator, looking down two paths, focusing on the one that bends, overgrown and unattended. Why? Because the worn path is the path I've been on a million times, and it's not the right one. It's not leading me to the place I want to be. So, now, my only real choice is the path of the unknown, and it's a little frightening. I'm not sure where this path will take me...but right now, I have the choice of standing still and doing nothing, doing what I've always done before, or doing something totally different...even if it's wrong...even if it doesn't work...even if it leads me somewhere I don't want to go.

Day 20: Subtlety is Lost on Men

Take-aways from this chapter: It's important for our husbands not to just feel like we "let" them have sex with us...but rather that we want them to.

I've been here before...the "please just get it over with...I'll lay here quietly and let you have your way." Guys hate the limp fish. He actually asked that I get more involved. And when I tried, I was so out of practice that even when I did what I thought was good movement or touch...he still didn't feel wanted. I really had to turn it up several notches for him to notice what I was doing.

The main point I got from that is...subtlety is lost on men. There is little place for it in the bedroom...or anywhere really, because men need noticeable feedback. They need to be told and shown in big ways. Think "flashing neon lights." It might feel silly to you...and over the top...but to them, it's just right.

Days 13-19: 31 Days to Great Sex

Day 13 - empty your head of the day's "stuff" so you can focus on sex

It pains me to think that so many women out there don't realize that their libido is often tied directly to their brain. For all the libido issues I have, I at least realize that my head must first be in the game or my body won't follow.

"If she is distracted by anything, then it's difficult to get aroused. This is the exact opposite of men, whose bodies often react to visual stimuli even if they ARE distracted and don't want to be thinking about sex. Most men react almost automatically; women need to decide to react."

"While women certainly can heat up, men can't do it completely for us. We control the switch. We're the ones who need to decide to participate..."

"Part of women getting ready for the big event, then, is to empty their heads of all the stuff that's rattling around in there. When she can get that out, she can let other stuff in."

This chapter reminds us, again, that "men make love to feel loved, while women need to feel loved to make love." It's probably one of the biggest mismatches in the history of marriage, really. The thing that causes the most trouble in "Sex Land."

The take-away for this chapter, for me, is that I need to process all the thoughts in my head during the day, so that when my husband comes home, not only do I not bombard him with all my "issues" and "needs" and "worries," I can also focus on him and making him happy. It doesn't mean not telling him about all those things I've processed. But if I deal with them before he gets home, then I know which are truly important.

It's important, too, not to just throw it all at him the minute he walks in the door. We all need to decompress a bit when we get home from work, so it's best to have a wait period before that happens.

That's what my journal...and this blog...is for. It's where I process what's going on in my brain, so I can let it go and focus on the things that matter.

Day 14- make the decision to respond

Men are the pursuers. Women are the responders. So....it makes sense that women wouldn't always naturally be aroused before being pursued. I don't think that's always true. I think women can be plenty aroused before any stimulation from a man. However, I think the author of this book is accurate in believing that this is "the norm." My mind is often not on sex. My husband's, on the other hand, is very often on it...seemingly for no apparent reason. The thing is, he does have a reason. He sees me. I should be completely flattered, right? But sometimes, I just find myself annoyed. Like, really? Again? But, do I ever want him to stop finding me totally sexy? No. No, I don't. So, why do I think like that?

This chapter mainly focuses on the fact that women need to decide to respond. They need to make the conscious choice to get involved, because our bodies, while often slower to follow that our brains, will eventually catch up.

She does address the fact that there may be other issues at play if you never manage to respond to your husband's advances. Low testosterone, abuse issues... And of course, those supersede everything. For me, that was certainly part of it. The screwed up hormones don't help anything, that's for sure. Mental health issues, drug side-effects. A lot goes into a person's mental, emotional, and physical well-being. And all of those things come into play for a healthy sex life.

So in some ways, I think the author is over-simplifying. Or at least, she's aiming at the "majority" and hoping that those of us in the minority, with other issues besides inexperience or lack of self-knowledge, will manage to pull something of use from her book. And like I've mentioned before, I am finding little kernels...reminders...but little that is new to me.

The sex challenge for this day is to initiate sex.

Day 15 - foreplay for her

This chapter is about the importance of foreplay. Nothing new here for me. I think her reminder to keep it varied is useful, as foreplay, like anything with sex, can become routine...and therefore, boring. It's also good for women to communicate what they like. I'm guilty of not doing that. And it's weird, because I don't think I'm embarrassed. For some reason, though, I'm reticent to explain what I want, when I want it.

The big take-aways for me here were that "foreplay isn't optional" and I need to be just as involved in the foreplay as he is. It's not just about him revving my engine so I'm ready to be driven.

Day 16 - foreplay for him

More about foreplay here. But in this chapter, it's about him. Knowing that guys are such highly visual critters, it's important that we make foreplay somewhat visual for them, at least sometimes. You know, lingerie, dancing for them, letting them watch us touch ourselves. flashing them while we do our chores, undressing slowly and seductively...that sort of thing. We also need to be sure to touch our men, because it's about their pleasure, too. And not just with our hands or mouths. Of course, there needs to be kissing and touching...but we can use our whole bodies, in various positions. It's about the movement and the variety. The avoidance of routine...and boredom. Because then comes avoidance.

The sex challenge for this day is to choose at least 3 of the ideas and incorporate the into the evening's sexual play.

Day 17- orgasm

That this chapter opens with a woman's questions..."What is an orgasm? And how do I know if I've had one?" worries me. Seriously? People are this unaware of their bodies? That is tragic. I'm pretty sure I figured out what an orgasm was by the time I was 8. Call me sinful, but I've always had an awareness of my body and how to pleasure it. That's not to say that having an orgasm with a man the first time was easy. It takes time for a guy to figure out what works. And it takes time for a women to figure out how a man can do what she can. Since so much of our sex life is in our head, it's important for a woman to step out of her head...long enough to take his hand and bring him in. That can be scary. But the more we tell our guys about what works on our bodies, the more likely we are to feel pleasure and want sex. This is why I'm all for pre-marital sex with a long-term partner. I think it's important that we know we are sexually compatible before we jump into "forever." And because of this, I didn't have much of that "early marriage bed shyness." I knew I wanted my husband. I knew he could please me in bed. I knew I could please him. In fact, sex was certainly one of the things that made us feel emotionally close enough to consider marriage. Without it, we'd have never done it. And as I'm writing that, I'm realizing just how important it still is. The fact that we stopped having it much after our son was born would obviously send my husband into fits. I totally get it now.

Day 18 - orgasm

This chapter is also about women's orgasms and how to achieve them by changing up positions. It also has the sad reminder (really? guys don't know this?) that the clitoris is the part of the vagina that needs to be stimulated most for a woman to have an orgasm. Good lord. I'm sorry...but that's just ignorance. And if you're years into your marriage and you're just now researching sex, there are some priority issues. And here I go again, saying something I need to hear loud and clear...sex is central to a healthy marriage. Knowing about it, learning about it, practicing it, doing it, enjoying it...all of those things must occur for a marriage to be happy.

Day 19 - sexual positions for greatest pleasure

More strategies to help her achieve orgasm, including locating and pleasuring the g-spot. Which I didn't find until I was married several years. In a lot of ways, I think as women become more comfortable in a relationship, less inhibited, they can begin to let loose a bit. When they truly trust a man, they can let themselves do and feel things that they might otherwise keep to themselves. I think that is probably why they say it's years 16-20 that are the best years for married sex. Seriously, though...I don't want to wait for year 16. Though I hope my sex life is amazing then.






P.S. Since none of the information in these chapters was new for me, and since I've not been doing a chapter a day as was originally intended (which I plan to do from here on out now that I have more time on my hands), I'm giving myself the goal to "get him going." Sort of a combination of several chapters. He gets home too late the next few days to really do much of anything...like initiating sex or spending much time on foreplay. So, I'm going to take some pictures today, of particular body parts, and label them "yours" and then text him those pictures throughout the day. Today is also our newly designated "No Panty Friday" (just for something new and fun to do...it gives him something to think about all day). So there's that, too. And finally, I sent a little love note in his lunch box today (I actually made his lunch...and I plan to fold and put away his laundry - just because).

Building our husbands up

The other day, I was considering the role of a submissive wife. Now, I'm not Christian, and I don't follow the Christian precepts of submission. But, I do believe that my husband is the king of my world.

In the past few years, we've struggled, greatly, with our roles. Mainly because I haven't been fulfilling mine, so he doesn't now what role to fill or how. I've noticed that when I have a better idea of what I need from him, what I want from him, and the kind of husband I feel he should be, he finally "gets it." He becomes it. It's not that he's just sitting around waiting for me to define his identity. He's not. But his role as husband directly relates to my perception of his role as husband.

He's his own person, completely. As am I. But, I cannot be a wife by myself. I am only a wife in relation to my husband. We are yin and yang. One cannot exist without the other.

So...my point here is that for me to be happy with my husband's role, I have to know what I want that role to be. What do I want from him? What do I expect? And then I need to figure out what kind of wife that man would need...and become that wife.

He cannot do what he does not know. Therefore, while it is important to verbalize needs and desires, I think it is almost as powerful, if not more so, to create through example. If I want a strong husband, I need to provide opportunities for him to be strong. If I want a loving husband, I need to provide opportunities for him to be loving.

And if I do these things, and help him along with encouragement and natural reward (being the wife he needs and wants), we both benefit.

This is the foundation of a happy marriage.

10 qualities of a good wife (and person, in general)

In fact, it's paramount to being a good wife. No husband wants a wife (no person wants a lover, period...) who doesn't love herself (and him) enough to take care of herself. That doesn't mean selfishly thinking of yourself first, or doing whatever makes you happy whenever it makes you happy. I mean, come on, wives and moms by nature must often sacrifice their own needs for those of their family in order to keep a happy home.

But...ultimately, if we fail to focus on our health and well-being, we will be no good to those we love. In order to be good models of love and devotion, strength and confidence we must:

1. Be clean.

Good hygiene is a non-negotiable in life, I believe. I find that cleanliness can actually become a practice...almost a meditation. Asking for an hour in the bathroom alone isn't too much...and honestly, if your husband knows you're in there, shaving, soaking, filing, scrubbing, and brushing the dirt of the world away so that you can feel refreshed, shiny, and new...he'll appreciate the results just as much as you do. Being clean is a gift to yourself and to your husband.

2. Be strong in spirit. 

To be grounded, we must have a spiritual connection to something greater than ourselves...and we must share it without fear and without the need for others to follow what we follow.

I remember when I first met my husband and let him "witness" a prayer session. I lit the candles and the incense, and I spoke my prayer aloud, as he sat behind me, wrapped around me, silently. He felt it was a gift to know that I would let him into a moment so sacred...and that I didn't feel the need to hide my belief in a power beyond myself - that I could admit weakness, and gain strength from it.

3. Be healthy.

We must exercise, eat right, sleep enough, and avoid unhealthy choices so that we have the energy to love our families...to hold them, stay up late for them, rise early for them, and still have life enough left to love ourselves, too. A healthy woman is a strong and capable woman. She takes care of her mental, physical, and emotional health in any way that works. That does not mean she has to do it all herself. She can rely on others...and should, if it's necessary. Sometimes, this takes time away from her husband and family, but a good husband knows that his wife's health is important to his own. Take time to run or walk in nature, alone. Care out time to go to a yoga class, or a counselor, or a doctor's appointment. Be sure to take the right vitamins or supplements and nourish your soul with things that make it happy.

4. Be confident in our beauty.

Beauty is subjective and comes from within...that light within us that says we love life and that we care for the people we surround ourselves with; if we don't find that beauty in ourselves, no one else will see it, because we are the ones who nurture it and allow it so seep from our pores. It's not about being thin or perfect, having great hair or smooth skin. It's about knowing that the canvas we have been given is enough...not focusing on our flaws and faults - unless it is to accept that those are a part of us...and therefore part of what makes us beautiful. Every mark, and wrinkle, and "imperfection" is evidence of the journey we on. They are our road map...and necessary in defining us and keeping track of where we have been. Our bodies are the silent stories of our lives, and we must honor that without judgement.

5. Be grateful and mindful.

Grace is a state of being. I don't always achieve it, but I constantly try. Knowing that what we are, where we are, and what we have is enough at any given time...that it is what we are meant to have. Being okay with this moment and accepting it at is...and who we are in it.

6. Be passionate.

Loving our families is not about devoting ourselves only to them. Of course we devote ourselves, but we must also have our own passions. They need to see that we are autonomous beings with loves or our own that fulfill us. We model for them those pursuits in passion, and they see that we can find sanctuary and pleasure in actions outside of them. We are not co-dependent.

7. Be quiet, but know when and how to use your voice.

Listen to your loved ones. Be their sounding board. Give them a place to tell their stories. Don't judge them or berate them...or give them unwanted advice. This doesn't mean you should be a doormat, never speaking up. Nor does it mean you should not tell your own stories or use your family as your own sounding board. But most of us talk too much. Sometimes, being quiet gives us the opportunity to hear our own souls better, as well. Besides, after awhile, your loved ones will wonder what's going on in there. They'll ask. And when they do, it will be true wondering, rather than obligation, that leads their inquiry.

Also, we have the power to build our loved ones up or tear them down...with only a word or two. We should use the power carefully. We can make or break them, empower them or torture them. We can do that with our silence, as well. So it's important for us control our tongues.

8. Be patient.

9. Be sexual.

10. Don't take yourself too seriously.

On being a "secular" submissive wife

I've been married nearly 9 years. And though we've been defining ourselves as a couple (naturally and wordlessly, most of the time), we've come to learn a few things about ourselves.

1.  We choose to fall into standard gender roles. This isn't for everyone, and I wouldn't encourage anyone to take on gender roles (or any roles, for that matter) that do not help them to thrive.

2.  My husband is an alpha male. He is strong-willed and demands respect in a quiet and non-violent manner. I am his strong, female counterpart. When I am behind him, empowering him, he can be more successful, happier, and productive. His self-esteem rises, his self-image improves, and his confidence builds. When I am not behind him, he becomes moody...even angry, self-conscious, depressed, and weak in spirit and body.

3. I am a submissive wife. Not a submissive woman, mind you. I am submissive only to my husband, and only so far as it makes both of us happy. This submission is not religious. We are not Christian, and I do not prescribe to the Proverbs 31 lifestyle (though, I feel there is a lot to be learned from it (and I plan to research it in my next round of "35 Things"...though it will be "31 Things," obviously). This submission is sexual, psychological, and spiritual. He is my rock, and I am his core. We are like yin and yang, without one, the other can not be. And when one is weak, the other becomes so, too.

We've tried living the D/s lifestyle. We've experimented with "swinging." And we have yet to truly find something that works for us. Why? Well...because it's not in a book somewhere. And it's not clearly defined by society or religion. I can't just say, "I'm going to be a submissive wife...let me look that up on the internet and see what I have to do." I've done that research, and ALL of it is based in religion or BDSM.

My brand of submission is secular. And I suppose that since I can't find any information on it out there, I'll be defining it myself. Maybe, just maybe, that will help someone else who is in my same shoes.

So let's start here, with an explanation of "submission":

Full Definition of SUBMISSION

1

a :  a legal agreement to submit to the decision of arbitrators

b :  an act of submitting something (as for consideration or inspection); also:  something submitted (as a manuscript)

2

:  the condition of being submissive, humble, or compliant

3

:  an act of submitting to the authority or control of another

My husband and I DO have a legal agreement - as we are lawfully married. We were married by a judge, in a old schoolhouse, and we wrote our own vows based in Celtic hand-fasting tradition. We are both spiritual, though we do not define ourselves as Christian. I am basically non-denominational Pagan.

As for being humble or compliant...well, I'm neither of those things. Nor am I naturally submissive. I do not easily give in to authority or accept the control of others.

However, I'm learning something about myself, my husband, and how a man and woman interact. Or at least the may WE interact.

My husband needs me to NEED him. He needs me to support him, validate him, and make him feel like a man. What I tell him he is and encourage him to be, he can become. My belief in him is his power. When I put effort into building him up, he becomes stronger and more powerful. He also becomes more benevolent and feels more inclined to provide for me and "pamper" me.

I like to be taken care of. I like to feel protected and safe, in the arms of a man who loves and cherishes me above all else. When I build my husband up, he can do this. He WANTS to do this.

In this way, we are like a traditional D/s couple. I give my submission to him as a gift...one that can be taken away if he doesn't do his part to care for me. But, that comes with responsibility. I have to trust him. I have to accept his challenges to encourage me to grow spiritually and sexually. Through me and through his guidance of me and his protection of me, he becomes strong. Through him, and through my submission to him, I gain solace, because I can let go of fear. I can put my well-being in his hands.

Now, I know, there are thousands of women out there who would disagree with this whole "arrangement." And that's fine. It's not for everyone. But, I do feel we have lost something in our dogged battle for gender equality. We may be equal, be we are not the same.

In my marriage, we are both important decision-makers. I do not cow to him, and he does not force me to do his bidding. I allow him to take the reigns.

It's a lot of responsibility for him. A lot of pressure. And that pushes him to be a better man. He doesn't want to fail me or disappoint me. And so he rises to the occasion.

But when he cannot, it is not my place to berate him. It is my place to build him back up to a place of spiritual and psychological power.

And when I cannot, it is his obligation to console me, support me, and guide me back to a place of serenity.

Like any marriage, we have our own set of problems. And right now, our problems basically stem from our inability to define and live our natural dominant and submissive roles. I resist too often, which weakens him and weakens our connection. I push back, and he stops pushing altogether. He becomes weak, and I become disillusioned, disappointed.

When he is at his peak...his most powerful, I find him irresistible...in all ways. And I "behave." I want him...and I want to please him, because pleasing him makes him more powerful...and more irresistible.

When I'm on my best behavior, he wants to care for me...provide for me...pleasure me...spoil me.

When he is weak and I am ill-behaved...we are a mess.

And that's where we are right now.

So, how to get back to "good"? Well, "behaving" is a good start. Being a good wife. Doing the things that I know make him strong and happy.

Initiating intimacy is one way. And I'm proud to say that I not only wanted to, but did, last night. He's on swing shift and doesn't get into bed until nearly 2 a.m., but I did it anyway. And he immediately rose to the occasion. When I "play my part" well, and willingly...he "plays his part" equally well. And we are happy.

I love my husband, and since I want to save my marriage, really focusing on becoming the wife he needs is paramount. It isn't about losing myself, or being subjugated. It isn't about being a slave or being "less than." It's about being powerful force of feminine energy to compliment the male energy that flows through him. It's about being a goddess and knowing that what you say and do can make or break the man that you love.

Foreplay?

Ahhh...foreplay...it should be a hell of a lot more important to some of us than it is. And when I really think about it, it's probably the most necessary part of sex for me (and a lot of women). It's where I get my head into the game. Because if my head ain't in the game, my body isn't likely to follow. In the early stages of a relationship, lengthy, creative, drawn-out foreplay usually isn't required. After all, you're usually thinking about this person incessantly, and thinking about them will often lead to spicy thoughts about what you want to do to them later.

I used to have that. When I met my husband I was completely hot and bothered. I found him so irresistibly sexy I could hardly contain myself. I even remember a few "booty calls"...feeling that burning need to touch him, be with him, devour him.

So where did it go?

I think it got lost in pregnancy, recovering from a partial hysterectomy (both mentally and physically), depression, work, raising a child, and complacency. Boredom seems to have set in, in more ways than one. And my own loss of passion for life has bled over to a loss of passion for the people I hold most dear. I know that, ultimately, I'm at the wheel here, and that I can steer it which way I want to go.

It's gotten to the point where D. has even said, "If you need to go and be somewhere else for awhile, do it. I don't want to keep you here if you need that kind of freedom." But the thing is, the notion of leaving makes my insides boil. It makes me physically ill. Maybe a little of it is fear, not only of losing what I have, but also that maybe I'd actually be happier if I did go. Marriage and family is a choice I made, though. And while leaving might be the easiest way to make the pain stop, it isn't what I want. I love my husband and son. No matter how hard this is, it's worth fighting for. And I'm beginning to see (call me hard-headed...I don't know why it's taking me so long) that sex is really the "golden key."

Sex isn't just sex. At least not for my husband...and not for my marriage. Maybe for some people and couples it is. But for my husband, it's how he connects with me. It's not a completely new concept to me. He's told me before, in lots of different ways. And as I piece together all the bits of information he's provided over the past few years during our arguments (let's face it, I'm not at my most receptive when I'm defensive and angry), I've begun to truly let the message sink in.

Last night, I began writing in this journal that I bought for us...Sex: an Erotic Journal for Sexual Inspiration and Exploration. The first topic was Kissing. It involved a few prompts, including "What makes a good kisser?" and "Describe your most memorable kiss." The second topic (which I'm on today) is Foreplay, hence why I'm writing about it here. Anyhow, last night, I brought up the idea I'd had when I gave the book to D. for his birthday last month...that we could both write in it and read each other's responses. I hoped we might not only use the book to spark some ideas, but also to connect a bit...on a cerebral level. He seemed game for it then. But when I reminded him last night, he seemed less thrilled. Almost like he thought it was trite. He, of course, said okay. That he'd do it. That this is what I needed to feel connected, but it's not what he needs.

And he's right. It's not. I need the mental connection. He needs the physical connection.

And foreplay is the key to both of our needs. So maybe it isn't so much the sex/lack of sex that is the problem. Maybe it's the loss of good foreplay. Or not even the loss (since we didn't really used to need it), but rather the need for it now. We're only just past the "7 year itch." I guess this is when the harder work begins, right?

So, let's get to the question then...

"Typical" foreplay? We seem to have gotten rather boring in that regard. Honestly, it's maybe some kissing, maybe a back massage, maybe a few naughty texts throughout the day.... We've gotten to the point where jumping right in is the name of the game. Same strategy every time. And I'm as much to blame for this as he is.

I'm creative in many regards...hell, I'm not even a half-bad writer of erotica. But, for some reason, I'm just no good at creative "foreplay." D. has tried. Lots of times....intricate role-playing games (the naughty professor...), toys, blindfolds, tying me up. I've liked some it...not all of it. But, somehow, he's gotten the feeling that all of his efforts have been unappreciated. And since I don't come up with any of these ideas on my own, it all has sort of fallen by the wayside...which has put a pretty big roadblock in the middle of our sex life.

Rather than asking why, though - because really, that just comes down to complacency - I think it is more important to just figure out ways to fix the problem. And if the problem is lack of foreplay, then there has to be some brainstorming about what makes good foreplay, what I need in it  and from it, and what ideas I can use "right now"!

I already have identified that our current "foreplay" is lackluster at best. So, what makes good foreplay?

I guess the element of anticipation is really the goal. That build up, over short or long periods of time. The mind games that actually affect our physiology and make our bodies hum with a need that can only be filled by the person playing that game with us. So anything that makes me focus on him and our sexual connection is good foreplay.

There are the same old ideas I've heard (or tried) a million times:

Put naughty notes (or coupons or little stories) in the pockets of his uniform.
Text him a picture of one of these notes instead.
Send him pieces of an erotic story over the course of a day...sort of like tweets.
Do a virtual strip tease (text him photos throughout the day).
Whisper naughty things in his ear while he's cooking dinner.
Blindfold him.
Massage him.
Have a shower of a bath together.
Strip tease.
Masturbate for him.
Meet him at the door in lingerie.
Watch porn in bed.
Role play.

Some other places for ideas:

How to be a better wife...Step 4: Trust and Sex

It might seem like a real "duh" to say you should trust your husband. But I mean, really trust him. Trust that he'll get shit done, even without you nagging. Trust that he'll call. Trust that he won't lead you astray. Trust his ideas. Trust his plans. Follow him into the darkness without a flashlight, because you know he'll take care of you.

Because honestly, if I can't trust my man that deeply, what the heck did I marry him for? Right? I'm not saying "live dangerously" or "blindly let your husband get you both arrested becauses of his stupidity and juvenile behavior." After all, he's a dude...and though I'm stereotyping men here, even my husband would admit guys do some pretty dumb things in the name of entertainment.

I'm talking about with your relationship.

My husband, while not overly romantic, definitely has his own ideas about love and sex and how they weave their important and complicated web through a marriage. It's my job not only to share in creating that web (a much better metaphor than a ball and chain, don'tcha think?) but to give credence to the strands that he contributes. Most men like to lead and love to be followed (once again, a generalization, so forgive me if it doesn't apply to your man). They love to be looked to for guidance and advice. They like to feel they are helping. And they like to feel like their ideas won't be shot down by the one girl who can still intimidate the crap out them (their wife).

Hence, trust. Trust him as he leads you down the rabbit hole. You never know...it might be fun. Ask him what he'd like...what he wants...what he wishes you would do. And even if you're not so sure, give him the reigns of your sex life for a night or a weekend and see what he does with them. And then keep your criticism to yourself. You can always talk about it later. And you can have your turn, too.

I think a lot of guys are too nervous to tell us what they really want sexually. They're afraid of judgement, afraid we'll think they're monsters, or worse. They want to trust us with their sordid fantasies, and they genuinely want to hear ours. Hell, I think the majority of "real" men want to get into our minds a lot more than they want to get into our pants. So that trust goes both ways. We need to trust that they won't hurt us or do anything that goes against our values or past our limits. We need to trust them with our fantasies and refrain from judging theirs.

Being a better wife is all about finding ways to make our husbands happy without losing ourselves in the process. Most men aren't looking for a Stepford Wife. They just want a woman who loves them, with all their faults, and still finds them sexy and desirable, and necessary. They are natural providers and protectors. We should trust nature and help them fill that role to the best of their ability without criticising when they fail.

Beside every great man...is a woman who love him.

How to be a better wife...Step 3: Surprise him

Sex outside of the bedroom? What!? Umm...yes. Something...anything...out of the ordinary.

I'm bored. Which is my own damned fault. It's not like he hasn't tried to do new things, different things, daring things. It's just that I haven't really liked many of his ideas, but rather than offering up some of my own, I've just left it to him. And he's frustrated now, understandably.

He doesn't always want to be the one bringing up sex. It makes him feel like he's begging. Like I never want it. Which, to be honest, has been the case for some time (most of the time, anyway). And there's nothing to make a man feel more pathetic than begging for sex from his wife.

So, time for some surprises. My husband...and most guys, let's face it...loves lingerie. So, every Friday night...I'm going to wear something new - a sexy nightgown, a garter and stockings (he loves those!), matching bra and panties. Nothing expensive, just something I can pick up on sale or at Ross or Walmart. It's not about the cost, anyway. Or the quality of the lingerie. It's not like I plan to wear it all the time, so there's no reason to go broke surprising my man. It's the thought anyway. And, of couse, it's showing him he matters enough to me to think about these things, and to show myself off to him (that I have enough confidence to do so, too).

Usually, our son stays at grandma's on Friday night (I know, I'm lucky!). And even though my husband's weekend is the same as mine, I'll still turn Friday night (or Saturday if I must) into "presenting....your sexy wife!" night. It doesn't matter what we are doing. I'll just turn up the heat in the house and wear something sexy to do it. Cooking dinner...watching a movie...reading books on the couch. Whatever it is.

Many years ago, I did something like this. I dressed up in some silly French maid get-up with pearls and heels and made my husband dinner. I served him and ate with him, wearing next to nothing. and he still talks about it to this day. Stuff like that makes an impact with our highly visual men. And trust me, you don't have to be a size 2 to pull this off. Most men are pretty okay with their wives just the way they are. Got a little pudge? They probably see it as just a little more to love or grab on to. I'm closer to a size 12 or 14, and he still thinks I'm the sexiest lady on the planet. So what better to reward him for being a good guy put on a little show for him, in the context of a regular evening. I don't even plan to say anything. I'll just be waiting on the couch when he gets home.

The concept here is not to fake anything. I might not always feel like a roll in the hay, but I do feel like making my husband happy. This is an easy way. And hey...it'll probably lead to that roll in the sheets later anyway, right. All that lead up...his staring at me...touching me whenever he can. It's likely to make me want to and put me in the right frame of mind anyway.

How to be a better wife...Step 2: Get Physical

Men are tactile. They like to touch things. And they like to be touched back. It's a simple biological fact. I suppose there are guys who don't like to be touched, but the majority do. I'm not an expert, but...well, I've had some experience.

Also, men want to be wanted. They want to feel manly and masculine and strong and powerful. Yeah, I'm generalizing...stereotyping...but stereotypes are born from at least a bit o' truth. So when we ladies stop fawning over our men, oohing and ahhing and batting our eyelashes, their self-concept starts to slip. They lose confidence.

It's true what they say...behind every great man is a woman who loves him. That woman provides him a safe place to land, a home where he is loved and cherished and respected and wanted. A place where, even when the world beats him up, he is still "the man."

After several years together...and years of yelling at him to pick up his socks and clean up his damned mess...it's easy to forget what brought you to him in the first place. He packs on a few pounds. He plays video games and leaves a mess in the kitchen. He doesn't mow the lawn, lets the garbage pile up. Whatever it is, it starts to cloud the initial infatuation with a haze of marital disatisfaction.

The only way to clear the fog is to just trust that what's behind it is what you chose those many years ago. And while you're getting there, it just might be a good idea to consider all the characteristics that led you to fall for this man so hard you were willing to give your whole life to him. Even back then, I knew he had faults. But, those faults were dwarfed by lust and love. He was sexy and new and everything I ever wanted. Or so I convinced myself.

And I didn't go into marriage blindly. While our courtship was short, we were older and really knew what we were looking for in a mate. We had plans, and our plans meshed. And there was passion. Lots of it. Or maybe that was just an over-reactive biological clock. But, whatever it was, it was like superglue, and it hypnotized him. I was the girl every guy would want. I loved sex. All the time. Anywhere. I was fun. I was always in a good mood. Or at least it seems like I was from this distance.

I'm not sure what went wrong, where, when, why, or how. But it did. And it seems that his biggest complaint is that I stopped wanting him.

How do I show him I want him? Touch. A look. But, mostly touch. Constant touching.

So that's step two. Keeping my hands on him. Hugging him, yes, but really making it move beyond, "Hi, honey, I love you." It needs to be, "Hey, sexy, you make me weak."

That can be tough, especially when I'm tired and cranky, or have just picked up his mess, or been sent on an errand he forgot to do.

He's amazing. And I have to show him that...with my hands...with my whole body. He has to feel that it's true, not just hear it, or read it.

How to be a better wife...Step 1: Choose to be one

There are lots of ways to be a better person...a better mother...a better friend...a better lover...and all of these things lead to becoming a better wife.

But where to start?

I spent the morning looking at books on Amazon, trying to find the definitive guide on becoming a better wife. But, at the end of my search, I decided, every marriage is different. Every husband and wife needs their own special recipe to succeed. No book is going to fix my marriage. No counselor is going to keep us together.

Basically, it comes down to this -

So...basically, in my opinion, the first step to becoming a better wife is admitting that you have some room to improve and choosing to be one. Choosing to stay. And, in making that choice, deciding to be what he needs, not just what is easiest for me. And that takes really trying to understand what makes him happy. 

I know my husband pretty well. Not as well as I want to, but I know that I know him better than anyone else. I'm an only child, and pretty self-centered...I spend way more time worrying about how I feel about things, rather than how he feels about things. I worry more about how I want to spend my time, rather than how he'd like to spend his. Honestly, I just spend more time thinking about myself and what makes me happy. I can admit this, and I know it is a shameful weakness. However - knowing this about myself is, in itself, a first step to fixing the problem. I may be self-centered. But, I love my husband. And I want to keep him. So...

Step One...Check.