On being a "secular" submissive wife

I've been married nearly 9 years. And though we've been defining ourselves as a couple (naturally and wordlessly, most of the time), we've come to learn a few things about ourselves.

1.  We choose to fall into standard gender roles. This isn't for everyone, and I wouldn't encourage anyone to take on gender roles (or any roles, for that matter) that do not help them to thrive.

2.  My husband is an alpha male. He is strong-willed and demands respect in a quiet and non-violent manner. I am his strong, female counterpart. When I am behind him, empowering him, he can be more successful, happier, and productive. His self-esteem rises, his self-image improves, and his confidence builds. When I am not behind him, he becomes moody...even angry, self-conscious, depressed, and weak in spirit and body.

3. I am a submissive wife. Not a submissive woman, mind you. I am submissive only to my husband, and only so far as it makes both of us happy. This submission is not religious. We are not Christian, and I do not prescribe to the Proverbs 31 lifestyle (though, I feel there is a lot to be learned from it (and I plan to research it in my next round of "35 Things"...though it will be "31 Things," obviously). This submission is sexual, psychological, and spiritual. He is my rock, and I am his core. We are like yin and yang, without one, the other can not be. And when one is weak, the other becomes so, too.

We've tried living the D/s lifestyle. We've experimented with "swinging." And we have yet to truly find something that works for us. Why? Well...because it's not in a book somewhere. And it's not clearly defined by society or religion. I can't just say, "I'm going to be a submissive wife...let me look that up on the internet and see what I have to do." I've done that research, and ALL of it is based in religion or BDSM.

My brand of submission is secular. And I suppose that since I can't find any information on it out there, I'll be defining it myself. Maybe, just maybe, that will help someone else who is in my same shoes.

So let's start here, with an explanation of "submission":

Full Definition of SUBMISSION

1

a :  a legal agreement to submit to the decision of arbitrators

b :  an act of submitting something (as for consideration or inspection); also:  something submitted (as a manuscript)

2

:  the condition of being submissive, humble, or compliant

3

:  an act of submitting to the authority or control of another

My husband and I DO have a legal agreement - as we are lawfully married. We were married by a judge, in a old schoolhouse, and we wrote our own vows based in Celtic hand-fasting tradition. We are both spiritual, though we do not define ourselves as Christian. I am basically non-denominational Pagan.

As for being humble or compliant...well, I'm neither of those things. Nor am I naturally submissive. I do not easily give in to authority or accept the control of others.

However, I'm learning something about myself, my husband, and how a man and woman interact. Or at least the may WE interact.

My husband needs me to NEED him. He needs me to support him, validate him, and make him feel like a man. What I tell him he is and encourage him to be, he can become. My belief in him is his power. When I put effort into building him up, he becomes stronger and more powerful. He also becomes more benevolent and feels more inclined to provide for me and "pamper" me.

I like to be taken care of. I like to feel protected and safe, in the arms of a man who loves and cherishes me above all else. When I build my husband up, he can do this. He WANTS to do this.

In this way, we are like a traditional D/s couple. I give my submission to him as a gift...one that can be taken away if he doesn't do his part to care for me. But, that comes with responsibility. I have to trust him. I have to accept his challenges to encourage me to grow spiritually and sexually. Through me and through his guidance of me and his protection of me, he becomes strong. Through him, and through my submission to him, I gain solace, because I can let go of fear. I can put my well-being in his hands.

Now, I know, there are thousands of women out there who would disagree with this whole "arrangement." And that's fine. It's not for everyone. But, I do feel we have lost something in our dogged battle for gender equality. We may be equal, be we are not the same.

In my marriage, we are both important decision-makers. I do not cow to him, and he does not force me to do his bidding. I allow him to take the reigns.

It's a lot of responsibility for him. A lot of pressure. And that pushes him to be a better man. He doesn't want to fail me or disappoint me. And so he rises to the occasion.

But when he cannot, it is not my place to berate him. It is my place to build him back up to a place of spiritual and psychological power.

And when I cannot, it is his obligation to console me, support me, and guide me back to a place of serenity.

Like any marriage, we have our own set of problems. And right now, our problems basically stem from our inability to define and live our natural dominant and submissive roles. I resist too often, which weakens him and weakens our connection. I push back, and he stops pushing altogether. He becomes weak, and I become disillusioned, disappointed.

When he is at his peak...his most powerful, I find him irresistible...in all ways. And I "behave." I want him...and I want to please him, because pleasing him makes him more powerful...and more irresistible.

When I'm on my best behavior, he wants to care for me...provide for me...pleasure me...spoil me.

When he is weak and I am ill-behaved...we are a mess.

And that's where we are right now.

So, how to get back to "good"? Well, "behaving" is a good start. Being a good wife. Doing the things that I know make him strong and happy.

Initiating intimacy is one way. And I'm proud to say that I not only wanted to, but did, last night. He's on swing shift and doesn't get into bed until nearly 2 a.m., but I did it anyway. And he immediately rose to the occasion. When I "play my part" well, and willingly...he "plays his part" equally well. And we are happy.

I love my husband, and since I want to save my marriage, really focusing on becoming the wife he needs is paramount. It isn't about losing myself, or being subjugated. It isn't about being a slave or being "less than." It's about being powerful force of feminine energy to compliment the male energy that flows through him. It's about being a goddess and knowing that what you say and do can make or break the man that you love.

What is my concept of submission?

It's something we've played with for years. Actually, I probably shouldn't say "played with," because honestly, it's just always been there. He's always been a dominant soul, and it's part of what drew me to him. His quiet confidence. His predatory sexual nature (and I don't say that in a deviant way, but rather in a hyper-masculine "alpha male" sort of way). I love that he can bend me to his will...that I let him bend me to his will.

In most other regards, I'm not submissive. But with my husband, it is such an undeniable turn on to have him hold me down, pull my hair, tell me what to do. He can breathe a directive in my ear while I'm doing dishes, and it's like the heat of his words just melts down my neck and pools in my clavicle, dripping the hot wax of his intention between my breasts.

Too hot? Maybe.

But, my point is, he has the power to really do a number on me.

When he's not feeling confident about our relationship, though, his ability to do this kind of peters out. His confidence falters, and my passion for him, sexually, falters as well. He becomes angry and hurt...and hence, weak, in my eyes.

I'm being honest here. Painfully, maybe. But, when my husband isn't in his sexual element, he isn't sexy to me.

However, when he is in his sexual element, I've been known to orgasm before he has hardly touched me. TMI, I know...but you wouldn't be here reading if you weren't ready for this. So no judging, okay? How else am I supposed to be totally honest with you?

So, how do I get that all the time. You'd think it would be easy, right? Just let him be dominant all the time, give in to his demands, let him have control. But...ah ha! I'm a control freak, too! So how does a control freak manage to also be submissive (intentionally and by choice) to an alpha male/dominant?

Because I promise you, this is no Fifty Shades of Grey. This is real life. This is marriage. This is sexuality with a bit of an edge but couched deeply in a loving relationship. This is not about violence or pain or power. This is about taking our right places beside each other and fulfilling our deepest, most spiritual roles. When I am submissive to him, at least sexually, I feel safe, protected...like a weight is being taken off of my shoulders.

But, in the past, there is always something that has gotten in the way...and that's what I need to figure out. Mentally, emotionally, spiritually, physically I know that submission is the right path for me in my marriage. But there is something that keeps me from giving it all to him. Fear? What am I afraid of? That he'll push me beyond my limits? That he'll make me do things I don't want to do? Isn't a large part of agreeing to submission also trusting that the dominant has your best interests at heart and will not do anything to harm you? Because that really what it's about. Trusting someone so completely that you are willing to let them take you and do with you what they will. But being a submissive also means putting the dominant first. It means doing things that you know will make him happy and will build his confidence and make him a good lover. Simply being a submissive doesn't allow you to let the dominant do all the work. And that's where I think I've gone wrong in the past.

I've been a selfish lover. A selfish submissive. And that just can't happen. It can't be. It doesn't even make sense.

So, there. That's my conundrum.

So what should submission look like in our world? I know I want him to have complete control in the bedroom. And I know that he won't take advantage of that. Our brand of D/s doesn't involved dog collars and punishment and subjugation (not that I deny others this if it's their thing). It is more a spiritual intention for us than a physical show of force. His dominance is psychological, not abusive or irresponsible. And it is welcomed, sought after.

I know for some, who have no concept of D/s, this explanation is not helping. And I implore you, if you are so inclined, and interested at all, to do your own research and build your own model. D/s is a very individualized thing.

I want to hand him my submission...as a gift. And I want to mean it. I truly do.