In most other regards, I'm not submissive. But with my husband, it is such an undeniable turn on to have him hold me down, pull my hair, tell me what to do. He can breathe a directive in my ear while I'm doing dishes, and it's like the heat of his words just melts down my neck and pools in my clavicle, dripping the hot wax of his intention between my breasts.
Too hot? Maybe.
But, my point is, he has the power to really do a number on me.
When he's not feeling confident about our relationship, though, his ability to do this kind of peters out. His confidence falters, and my passion for him, sexually, falters as well. He becomes angry and hurt...and hence, weak, in my eyes.
I'm being honest here. Painfully, maybe. But, when my husband isn't in his sexual element, he isn't sexy to me.
However, when he is in his sexual element, I've been known to orgasm before he has hardly touched me. TMI, I know...but you wouldn't be here reading if you weren't ready for this. So no judging, okay? How else am I supposed to be totally honest with you?
So, how do I get that all the time. You'd think it would be easy, right? Just let him be dominant all the time, give in to his demands, let him have control. But...ah ha! I'm a control freak, too! So how does a control freak manage to also be submissive (intentionally and by choice) to an alpha male/dominant?
Because I promise you, this is no Fifty Shades of Grey. This is real life. This is marriage. This is sexuality with a bit of an edge but couched deeply in a loving relationship. This is not about violence or pain or power. This is about taking our right places beside each other and fulfilling our deepest, most spiritual roles. When I am submissive to him, at least sexually, I feel safe, protected...like a weight is being taken off of my shoulders.
But, in the past, there is always something that has gotten in the way...and that's what I need to figure out. Mentally, emotionally, spiritually, physically I know that submission is the right path for me in my marriage. But there is something that keeps me from giving it all to him. Fear? What am I afraid of? That he'll push me beyond my limits? That he'll make me do things I don't want to do? Isn't a large part of agreeing to submission also trusting that the dominant has your best interests at heart and will not do anything to harm you? Because that really what it's about. Trusting someone so completely that you are willing to let them take you and do with you what they will. But being a submissive also means putting the dominant first. It means doing things that you know will make him happy and will build his confidence and make him a good lover. Simply being a submissive doesn't allow you to let the dominant do all the work. And that's where I think I've gone wrong in the past.
I've been a selfish lover. A selfish submissive. And that just can't happen. It can't be. It doesn't even make sense.
So, there. That's my conundrum.
So what should submission look like in our world? I know I want him to have complete control in the bedroom. And I know that he won't take advantage of that. Our brand of D/s doesn't involved dog collars and punishment and subjugation (not that I deny others this if it's their thing). It is more a spiritual intention for us than a physical show of force. His dominance is psychological, not abusive or irresponsible. And it is welcomed, sought after.
I know for some, who have no concept of D/s, this explanation is not helping. And I implore you, if you are so inclined, and interested at all, to do your own research and build your own model. D/s is a very individualized thing.
I want to hand him my submission...as a gift. And I want to mean it. I truly do.
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