A bird in a cage

I've been in a deepening pit lately, trying hard to keep myself from falling any deeper. It's probably no surprise that I struggle with depression (so does my husband). So when we begin to spiral (triggered by an argument or fight), we have a tendency to create a whirlpool that sucks us down. So I'm writing from the bottom of a dark well right now.

The thing is, I know there's a way out (though I don't know what it is), and I see light at the top, so I suppose there's at least some feeling of hope. But, denial keeps me from making it out more than half-way. Or maybe it's complacency. Or maybe it's a lack of caring. I just have to be honest.

Last night, I think our "fight" got to the roots (or at least a few of them) of the problem.

1. He's more committed to fixing our relationship.
2. I feel trapped.
3. We need outside help.

So, there you have it. We love each other. And yet, here we are, like hundreds of other couples, proving that love isn't enough. 

Our parents are still married after 40+ years, so it isn't like we both aren't completely aware that marriage takes mass amounts of work. But, I suppose this is when...9+ years in, we have to make a decision. Is it worth fighting for? He certainly believes it is. And I want to believe it is. But, I don't know that my mind is convinced. And I'm not sure my heart is still in the game. In fact, it's gotten to the point that I'm avoiding sex because I know it will just be a disappointment to him (because it doesn't happen enough and it's not adventurous enough). Of course, this puts more distance between us and doesn't help in the "desire" department, at all.

So...I suppose it's time to go beyond the books and make an appointment. The thing is, I'm skeptical. I don't want to sit in another office, bare my soul, hang all my dirty laundry out to dry, and then have this "professional" ask me what I want to do about it, or what I think about it. I want direction! I want a coach, not a counselor. But, we live in a small town, and this just isn't available to us.

I'm on the hunt. Because, ultimately, even though I'm unhappy...I don't think I want a divorce. I am a bit afraid that I don't want a divorce because it's hard...and because I don't want to be a single parent or go through the hassle of selling the house or dividing up our stuff or living on less money. Those are probably the wrong reasons to not want a divorce. But, right now, they head the list. My husband is my friend, and I don't want to hurt him, but I can honestly say (though I love him)...I'm not in love with him.

I just breathed in deeply there. It's hard to admit that. It's hard to admit that I'm not happy with him or with our life.

And now begins the hard work of figuring out what the "f" I want. He asked me last night, and all I could do was hand him my trusty, old "I don't know," which is beginning to drive him crazy. But, I truly don't know. I truly don't know what I want from him or from my life. All the things I want seem so out of reach. I'm shackled by debt and responsibility, a job, a child...all of the choices I've made upt to this point. Even my parents have moved nearer to be close to us, so it's not like I can just leave. 

And the scariest part of our conversation last night, though we didn't explore it, is how quickly and firmly he put down the idea of me taking our son if we divorced. He seemed willing to accept my leaving, if that was what I needed to find happiness. But when I said, I couldn't do that, because I didn't want to take our son away, he said, I wouldn't take our son away. 

Okay...so I see how it is. Let the bird fly and be free, Don't keep her in a cage, but if she can't learn to love her cage, or modify it to make her happy, she isn't taking any of it with her.

So, I guess I'm staying. Which means we're going to have to do some hefty redecorating.

I like this, because I fear, like these birds, I might be my own cage. I made it myself, bar by bar...so I suppose I have the power to unmake it, as well, right?