For better or worse...

Yes, I've obviously been away from the screen for awhile. This happens from time to time. Admittedly, since this here is about TMI, anyway (otherwise, how are you supposed to base your belief in my authenticity as a "very flawed but well-intentioned wife"?)...I struggle with depression. AND, the DH and I have been on the low lately. We both seem to follow the same emotional cycles, and we are very drawn in to each other's moods. He gets in a funk (and it's usually a combination of his own issues with depression and his disappointment with our sex life), it is painfully obvious to me, I inquire, he divulges, we fight or argue or debate or just generally have a crappy conversation (no yelling necessary to make a person feel like all hope has been lost...in fact, sometimes, the quieter and calmer the discussion, the more imminently doomed things are), and there we have it - the air is rife with tension. We then both wander around each other for a few days, trying to get our bearings again, no matter how tenuous. And whichever one of us pulls our head above water first, reaching down to pull the other up, or just getting into the life boat on our own, draws suspicion or judgement from the other...sort of like, "How can you just be fine after our conversation the other night?" or "You're in denial...you live with your head in the sand."

This time, interestingly enough, it's him. We have this ugly talk, and the next day, I'm in a total funk. He asks if I'm mad at him. I just sigh, deeply and inwardly to myself because I don't want to start in again. No, I say, I'm not mad at him, I'm just tired. Really, really tired of having the same conversation over and over again.

He reminds me that he loves me. I tell him I know. But inside, I know that may not be enough, even though he thinks it is.

Some days, I'm hiding just behind "How are we ever going to survive this?" Sometimes it's more than just days.

So, there you have it...my last 3 weeks. And now, I'm going to try to get myself back on track, mentally, emotionally, and physically.

New moon, and all, folks. Some us us are just a tad more susceptible.

I'll do better...simply writing about my marriage, our struggles, and trying to discern, through introspection, what is going wrong and how to deal with it best helps me on a daily basis. My hope is that if someone else stumbles across my words, he or she might feel some connection and maybe garner some hope or at least validation.

So, here I am...for better or worse...