I think it's the latter. It's just easier NOT to do the hard work of BEING "in love." And we're both guilty of it.
Sometimes I truly believe I HAVE fallen out of love with Dev. But then there are times (that prove me completely wrong) when I realize that I have not. When I ask myself the question "could I live without him?" or when I consider the true implications and repercussions of leaving...what my life would be like not falling asleep beside him every night, not waking up with him there, not having him to fill up the space in this house.
Of course, I've thought of the other side, too....am I just too scared to let go because it would change my life too much? Am I afraid of the difficulty of divorce, the loneliness, the work of starting over? Yes. But those are not the only reasons I don't want to leave.
Mainly, I find myself content. Because of my issues with depression, I'm not always "happy" with my world, and sometimes it completely falls apart. But, I'd say I'm at least content 70-75% of the time. There are things I wish I had, sure...a bigger house, more money, more time to myself, the ability to travel...but, overall, I know I am blessed and have way more than a lot of people.
But, it's this "contentment" that may be the opiate holding me down and taking the air out of me. I need something (and not the fear of loss) to boost my passion for life - not just my husband. I need something new, even if it's just a state of mind. I need to learn how to see the world more positively. I need simplicity to calm the stress. I need to hack away at the to do list that overwhelms me.
My home needs to be my haven, but it's also where I work my hardest, play my hardest, face my demons, heal, and love fiercely.
I guess that's just it, right? Shifting my perspective to see the beauty in the mess...this abstract painting that is my life.
Up close, it's a mess, but from a distance (and with the right perspective), it's beautiful.
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