It pains me to think that so many women out there don't realize that their libido is often tied directly to their brain. For all the libido issues I have, I at least realize that my head must first be in the game or my body won't follow.
"If she is distracted by anything, then it's difficult to get aroused. This is the exact opposite of men, whose bodies often react to visual stimuli even if they ARE distracted and don't want to be thinking about sex. Most men react almost automatically; women need to decide to react."
"While women certainly can heat up, men can't do it completely for us. We control the switch. We're the ones who need to decide to participate..."
"Part of women getting ready for the big event, then, is to empty their heads of all the stuff that's rattling around in there. When she can get that out, she can let other stuff in."
This chapter reminds us, again, that "men make love to feel loved, while women need to feel loved to make love." It's probably one of the biggest mismatches in the history of marriage, really. The thing that causes the most trouble in "Sex Land."
The take-away for this chapter, for me, is that I need to process all the thoughts in my head during the day, so that when my husband comes home, not only do I not bombard him with all my "issues" and "needs" and "worries," I can also focus on him and making him happy. It doesn't mean not telling him about all those things I've processed. But if I deal with them before he gets home, then I know which are truly important.
It's important, too, not to just throw it all at him the minute he walks in the door. We all need to decompress a bit when we get home from work, so it's best to have a wait period before that happens.
That's what my journal...and this blog...is for. It's where I process what's going on in my brain, so I can let it go and focus on the things that matter.
Day 14- make the decision to respond
Men are the pursuers. Women are the responders. So....it makes sense that women wouldn't always naturally be aroused before being pursued. I don't think that's always true. I think women can be plenty aroused before any stimulation from a man. However, I think the author of this book is accurate in believing that this is "the norm." My mind is often not on sex. My husband's, on the other hand, is very often on it...seemingly for no apparent reason. The thing is, he does have a reason. He sees me. I should be completely flattered, right? But sometimes, I just find myself annoyed. Like, really? Again? But, do I ever want him to stop finding me totally sexy? No. No, I don't. So, why do I think like that?
This chapter mainly focuses on the fact that women need to decide to respond. They need to make the conscious choice to get involved, because our bodies, while often slower to follow that our brains, will eventually catch up.
She does address the fact that there may be other issues at play if you never manage to respond to your husband's advances. Low testosterone, abuse issues... And of course, those supersede everything. For me, that was certainly part of it. The screwed up hormones don't help anything, that's for sure. Mental health issues, drug side-effects. A lot goes into a person's mental, emotional, and physical well-being. And all of those things come into play for a healthy sex life.
So in some ways, I think the author is over-simplifying. Or at least, she's aiming at the "majority" and hoping that those of us in the minority, with other issues besides inexperience or lack of self-knowledge, will manage to pull something of use from her book. And like I've mentioned before, I am finding little kernels...reminders...but little that is new to me.
The sex challenge for this day is to initiate sex.
Day 15 - foreplay for her
This chapter is about the importance of foreplay. Nothing new here for me. I think her reminder to keep it varied is useful, as foreplay, like anything with sex, can become routine...and therefore, boring. It's also good for women to communicate what they like. I'm guilty of not doing that. And it's weird, because I don't think I'm embarrassed. For some reason, though, I'm reticent to explain what I want, when I want it.
The big take-aways for me here were that "foreplay isn't optional" and I need to be just as involved in the foreplay as he is. It's not just about him revving my engine so I'm ready to be driven.
Day 16 - foreplay for him
More about foreplay here. But in this chapter, it's about him. Knowing that guys are such highly visual critters, it's important that we make foreplay somewhat visual for them, at least sometimes. You know, lingerie, dancing for them, letting them watch us touch ourselves. flashing them while we do our chores, undressing slowly and seductively...that sort of thing. We also need to be sure to touch our men, because it's about their pleasure, too. And not just with our hands or mouths. Of course, there needs to be kissing and touching...but we can use our whole bodies, in various positions. It's about the movement and the variety. The avoidance of routine...and boredom. Because then comes avoidance.
The sex challenge for this day is to choose at least 3 of the ideas and incorporate the into the evening's sexual play.
Day 17- orgasm
That this chapter opens with a woman's questions..."What is an orgasm? And how do I know if I've had one?" worries me. Seriously? People are this unaware of their bodies? That is tragic. I'm pretty sure I figured out what an orgasm was by the time I was 8. Call me sinful, but I've always had an awareness of my body and how to pleasure it. That's not to say that having an orgasm with a man the first time was easy. It takes time for a guy to figure out what works. And it takes time for a women to figure out how a man can do what she can. Since so much of our sex life is in our head, it's important for a woman to step out of her head...long enough to take his hand and bring him in. That can be scary. But the more we tell our guys about what works on our bodies, the more likely we are to feel pleasure and want sex. This is why I'm all for pre-marital sex with a long-term partner. I think it's important that we know we are sexually compatible before we jump into "forever." And because of this, I didn't have much of that "early marriage bed shyness." I knew I wanted my husband. I knew he could please me in bed. I knew I could please him. In fact, sex was certainly one of the things that made us feel emotionally close enough to consider marriage. Without it, we'd have never done it. And as I'm writing that, I'm realizing just how important it still is. The fact that we stopped having it much after our son was born would obviously send my husband into fits. I totally get it now.
Day 18 - orgasm
This chapter is also about women's orgasms and how to achieve them by changing up positions. It also has the sad reminder (really? guys don't know this?) that the clitoris is the part of the vagina that needs to be stimulated most for a woman to have an orgasm. Good lord. I'm sorry...but that's just ignorance. And if you're years into your marriage and you're just now researching sex, there are some priority issues. And here I go again, saying something I need to hear loud and clear...sex is central to a healthy marriage. Knowing about it, learning about it, practicing it, doing it, enjoying it...all of those things must occur for a marriage to be happy.
Day 19 - sexual positions for greatest pleasureMore strategies to help her achieve orgasm, including locating and pleasuring the g-spot. Which I didn't find until I was married several years. In a lot of ways, I think as women become more comfortable in a relationship, less inhibited, they can begin to let loose a bit. When they truly trust a man, they can let themselves do and feel things that they might otherwise keep to themselves. I think that is probably why they say it's years 16-20 that are the best years for married sex. Seriously, though...I don't want to wait for year 16. Though I hope my sex life is amazing then.
P.S. Since none of the information in these chapters was new for me, and since I've not been doing a chapter a day as was originally intended (which I plan to do from here on out now that I have more time on my hands), I'm giving myself the goal to "get him going." Sort of a combination of several chapters. He gets home too late the next few days to really do much of anything...like initiating sex or spending much time on foreplay. So, I'm going to take some pictures today, of particular body parts, and label them "yours" and then text him those pictures throughout the day. Today is also our newly designated "No Panty Friday" (just for something new and fun to do...it gives him something to think about all day). So there's that, too. And finally, I sent a little love note in his lunch box today (I actually made his lunch...and I plan to fold and put away his laundry - just because).
No comments:
Post a Comment