Day 22: 31 Days to Great Sex

So I completely disagree with this whole chapter. It's the first time in the book where I've truly had to say that this woman's lack of credentials really shows. I mean, we can all give advice...even good advice that people will pay for (hence this book...and my purchase of it). But, at some point, someone is probably going to question our professional background if we haven't pointed it out upfront.

I notice quite a few "self-help" blogs and books out there, written by well-meaning "housewives" and bloggers, that go a bit beyond the boundaries of their "training." It's one thing to share a personal experience and reflection. It's another to suggest others do something, especially if you have no education to back up your suggestions.

I can look past the Christian aspects of this book and still find validity and usefulness. But, this chapter goes too far into judgement and assumption.

The topic of the chapter is "being mentally present during sex." I agree with her that we need to be mentally present; however, I do not believe that having a rich fantasy life, watching porn, reading erotica, or appreciating attractive people outside of our marriage will "wreck your chances of experiencing intimacy." She states that "...psychologists have even coined a new term, Sexual Attention Deficit Disorder, for those who can't maintain an erection, or who can't stay aroused, with their spouse, but require additional stimulus, like porn or erotica." She also states that "The more our bodies become aroused by an external stimulus, like pornography, the more our bodies start to require that stimulus in order to become aroused." She warns that people who watch porn are also often masturbating, wasting their sexual energy on that rather than their marriage...and that this will decrease their desire for their spouse and is "actually one of the leading causes of lack of libido." Also, she assumes that wives will find watching porn to be akin to cheating, "and rightfully so."

I have a hard time with advice like this, because it assumes the worst about ALL people. Sure, some addictive personalities go too far. And a porn addiction, like any other, can cause a rift between a couple. BUT, if both parties are fine with it, and use it to enhance their sex life, what the hell is wrong with it? I know my husband enjoys porn. He shows it to me. I also know he doesn't want the women in those pictures and videos more than he wants me. Because he tells me...and he shows me. And when we have watched porn together (which isn't often, because I'm just not that into it), it has been a bonding experience...a warm-up activity to something WE do together with each other in mind. I also don't believe that masturbation necessarily takes away your desire for sex or your ability to have sex. It isn't wasting your sexual energy. In fact, I'd argue that sometimes it can simply prime the well. Watching porn is not the same as cheating, but watching it against a person's wishes or as an act of secrecy is certainly a type of dishonesty. Women who are so intensely bothered by their husband's watching porn should consider their own insecurities before blaming their men for being men (besides...earlier in the book she pronounces several times that men are visual creatures -- hence the interest in porn -- and that finding people you aren't married to attractive isn't necessarily wrong...it's natural).

So....yah...this chapter gets a D from me...while the rest of the book so far has earned a B.