After our conversation the other night, something clicked in my head. We've had this talk, which usually errupts into an argument, or a full-blown fight, so many times before. For years. And his resentment rolls heavy when a change happens and he wonders, "Why the hell did it take so long?" or "Why now?" When all I want to say is, "Just roll with it, would ya?" and "Why does it matter, as long as I'm changing?"
Not being able to let go of resentment, guilt, and fear are probably the most powerful poisons in a marriage. And the problem with these emotions is that they start small, are fed - little by little - and can grow into this monstrous, gluttonous things that consume the love that may still be there, turning it in to something crooked and wrong.
The mission has to be letting go of these things. Every time I start to feel it, I'm consciously stopping and saying to myself, "Is this more important that loving my husband right now?" "Does this really matter right now?"
I can't make him do that. I can't control what he thinks or feels, though I do plan to ask him to do the same. I know he resents my dragging feet over the years, when it comes to trying to fix things. I know he resents that it took me so long to see a doctor about my waning sex drive, that it took me so long to see a doctor about the depression and bi-polar disorder, that it took me so long to give in and go to a marriage counselor...
The list goes on.
It's true. It does take me a long time to come to terms with things. Like a cat, I seem to have to process things and come to them in my own time, when it's my idea. I need to have accepted it myself. I need to be doing it for myself. But, I think that is where I've gone wrong. Because it isn't all about me. And it isn't like I'd only be doing it for him if I'd just do things when he asked. I'd be doing it for our marriage.
I guess the question, then, should always be, "How important is our marriage to me? Is it important enough for me to give this a try?"
Honestly, the answer is ALWAYS, "Yes." I love my husband. I love our life together. He's an amazing friend and father. He's passionate and loving. He's thoughtful, if not romantic. He genuinely wants our marriage to work, and is willing to do pretty much anything. And I...well, I've just become too complacent. I'm the queen of admitting to the problem and then not doing anything about it. I'm also the queen of becoming instantly defensive when I know he's hit the nail on the head about my weaknesses, short-comings, and failures.
He seems to believe, also, that I haven't really ever completely given myself to him. That I'm holding something back. Maybe I have. And I'm not sure why.
So I took advantage of the Valentine's Day holiday to sort of reassert my intentions. I changed the background of his computer to a poem that I wrote for him. I bought a bottle of wine, made a card (with a written promise to try harder to be the wife he deserves), and laid it all out on the bed on top of a pretty, pink, lacey, nightgown (he loves sexy lingerie). I'm going to do for him what I wish he would do for me. The golden rule, right: treat others the way you wish to be treated? If I want romance, I should give it. And, I'm not going to let the guilt, fear, and resentment stop me from being the wife I know he wants me to be...the one I want to be so our marriage can be the one we both envision.
It's not really about compromise...it's about letting down all the walls, exposing every tiny little vulnerable spot, and trusting that the other person will keep that information safe. That's what marriage is all about, anyway, right? Finding that one person who knows everything about you...and still loves you.
After our conversation the other night...we made love...feverishly and emotionally. I initiated it. And I initiated it again the following night...and last night.
He needs to be wanted. So, I'm trying to provide that. And the funny thing is, when I put it at the forefront of my brain, I really feel it. I want my husband. When I focus on all the good things about him and stop harping on all the shit that pisses me off about him, I truly find him desirable.
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