Showing My Son I Love Him Through the Pages of a Book

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I began my new challenge tonight by reading aloud to my son. I haven't done it in a while. He's eight, and he reads a ton on his own. But, there's something about the connection between a parent, a child, and a story. Looking at the pictures, discussing the contents, asking and answering questions about conflict and themes. It's a nightly "teachable moment." And for a mom who struggles with being a mom...a mom who doesn't really much like to play (or maybe I've just forgotten?)...a mom who is frustratingly disconnected from the ones she loves, this is golden. My bookish tendencies, while introverted and solitary, can at least be shared with a willing listener.

Tonight when I offered to start a new book with my son, his eyes lit up. He showered quickly and found his seat beside me, snuggled up under the quilt on the couch. When I opened the cover and began, it was a blessed reminder of just how precious this time together is. He begged me not to stop when the clock showed his bedtime. But I wedged the cover flap between the pages and promised him another 20 minutes tomorrow night.

Twenty minutes. A blessed 20 minutes to show my son that I love him and appreciate spending time with him. Every night that he's home.

Turning Point

My marriage is in crisis, friends. So much so that the word "divorce" has come up more times in the past few days that it has ever come up during the course of our 10 year marriage. We aren't sleeping in the same room, and he's even done a spreadsheet to plan out how we might be able to divide our financial responsibilities fairly. We've discussed how it will affect our son, how it will affect us, who would go, who would stay.

But the crux? Neither of us really wants to go. Neither of us really wants it to end. We're just so at a loss. We've tried counselors and so many other things. And still, here we are, fighting about all the same old things, making no progress.

At what point does it make better sense for all involved...emotionally, spiritually, mentally, physically...to move on and heal? Would we be better off? Would our child? Would we find what we are looking for in someone else? Would we be able to let go of each other?

Intense, scary questions, dear readers...if you're out there. Questions I never thought I'd be asking myself.

And because I'm really NOT ready to let my marriage go, I'm devoting my month of November to saving it. This is triage, folks...not romance...not sweet sentiments of gratitude for an already sweet and abundant life. This is an emergency. And breathing life into a slowly and surely dying relationship is hard and tearful work, which I'm not fully sure I'm up to.

I'm calling it 21 Days of Action...21 days of showing my husband and son that I can't live without them. One gracious and meaningful act every day. And sure, if it were my normal type of planning, I'd wait until November, but see...this can't wait. I'm in the middle of a hurricane, and the only way I'm going to keep this little boat from going under is to pray, to have a whole heap-ton of faith in the necessity of our love, and to row like hell, fighting even when it seem completely futile - which, believe me, it often does. I've given up a dozen times in my mind.

But, see, the thing is, something bigger than fear keeps me here. And that something is love.

Robert Frost's poem isn't necessarily about marriage, and most certainly not specifically about mine...but as a poem, it lends itself to personal interpretation. That's what's so perfect about poetry and why I love it so much - it can mean what we need it to mean, and we can find solace and inspiration there. Right now, I'm like the narrator, looking down two paths, focusing on the one that bends, overgrown and unattended. Why? Because the worn path is the path I've been on a million times, and it's not the right one. It's not leading me to the place I want to be. So, now, my only real choice is the path of the unknown, and it's a little frightening. I'm not sure where this path will take me...but right now, I have the choice of standing still and doing nothing, doing what I've always done before, or doing something totally different...even if it's wrong...even if it doesn't work...even if it leads me somewhere I don't want to go.

Time for some new plans!

When I started this site, I really wasn't sure where I was going with it. I knew I wanted it to be about marriage, because that was a focus area of mine at the time. I decided to read a few books, because that's what I do when I need to figure things out. I tend to prefer "fixing my own problems" over letting others in and allowing them to advise or shape my behavior. I often rail against being told what to do, even though I have a pretty obvious submissive side with my husband. So, seeing a counselor, which D and are doing right now, is hard for me.

I'm not much of a talker, at least about intense emotional topics. I'd much rather stuff those nasty things deep inside and avoid confrontation. But, as we all know, the emotions stack on top of one another, and eventually, we blow up over something completely dumb, leaving the other person dumbfounded.

When it comes to my marriage, a lot of things work. D and I are best friends. We confide in each other and comfort each other and love to spend time together. But, both of us are pretty lazy when it comes to maintaining the romance and lust in our relationship. Maybe that's because we're too comfortable.

I suppose my next project really should have something to do with sex. The last two books I've worked my way through have been on the topic, since it seems to be our biggest hurdle, what with my low libido that now cycles up and down on a slower and less frequent basis that ever before.

If you've read my blog at all, you'll know that I've done a lot to try and curtail this phenomenon, and that I'm not really sure (neither are the doctors) what causes it. So, now that I've incorporated hormones, acupuncture, yoga, and counseling, I suppose the only place to go at this point is back to my books.

Next up...

And, I'm going to begin my own 30 day relationship challenge during the month of November. I'll post the daily challenge the night before and make it a focus for the following day. November seems like a good month for it, too, with Thanksgiving. Since everyone always seems to be doing those gratitude challenges and daily notices of what they are thankful for on Facebook, I think it's the perfect time. Of course, I suppose any time is the perfect time as long as you're ready and willing.

So here's to upcoming plans!