Project "35 Things" (...I love about my husband)

Alright, I've got this blog up an running, and now it's time to make it work. The purpose? To keep my mind wrapped around my marriage (since that's the current focus) on a daily basis.

I'd like to say my marriage isn't in crisis. But...well, I'd be lying.

Let's face it, I have an unhappy husband who wants...needs...to be wanted, and my libido has been mostly dead for a few years.

It's not like we go months without sex, but we do go weeks. And the sad part? I barely notice. When he points it out, I'm like, really? Two weeks? It feels like just yesterday. Fours weeks? You've got to be kidding me!

We've done counseling. It doesn't work. The counselors seem to want to make it all his fault for expecting me not to change and expecting me to be as lustful as I was before kids. I get it...the argument that says once we hit a certain age, have kids, and have a new focus, our libido natural decreases because our biological map has put us on a new path. Sex isn't necessary anymore.

The problem is, we aren't animals, in the same sense that a cat is an animal. We have the ability to emotionally process things, change our minds, work towards a goal. It isn't about survival. It's about quality of life...and marriage.

So, even though we have a child, and both have full-time jobs, it doesn't mean we should give up on sex.

So, why don't I feel it?

Well, there could be several reasons. Sure, I'm exhausted. Sure, I have a demanding career. Yes, I have a lot of housework, and the majority of kid care rests with me. And...there are the hormone issues. I had an emergency hysterectomy when I gave birth to our son. I didn't lose my ovaries, but apparently, the ordeal pushed my hormones to retire early. Pre-menopause came early. So, in my late 30s...here I am, experiencing several menopausal symptoms.

We've had dozens of fights about it. First it was the arguments over why I didn't want him anymore. Not really knowing the answer, I'd dig for anything...usually falling back on something like, "Well, if you'd just help more around the house, maybe I'd feel less stress, and then maybe I'd want sex more often." I was grasping at straws, really.

So, he'd help around the house for a few days, and when it didn't lead to the result he was hoping for, he'd stop...which would, in turn, piss me off.

We tried spicing up our sex life in various ways. Fail.

Then he encouraged me to talk to the doctor about anti-depressants and mood disorders. So now I'm on Wellbutrin and Lithium. It impacted my mood, but it didn't increase my sex drive.

Then we tried counseling. I already explained where that took us. It wasn't successful.

Now, I'm seeing a homeopathic doctor, trying to figure out hormones and supplements that might make a difference. Progesterone. Bio-identical Estrogen.

And at this point, I'm coming to the realization that I'm just going to have to train myself to feel passionate again. This means setting goals...mini-goals that I can accomplish quickly and gain some success so I don't give up. So we're trying a "35 Things" project. 5 days each week, for 7 weeks...I'll post one thing I love about my husband. And I'll email it to him. Just for fun...like a little love note in his inbox.

I also plan to explore what it is that made me fall in love with him in the first place. Because I was crazy passionate about him in the beginning. Where the hell did that go?