Actually, I'm not sure I'd call what we have fights. There's no yelling, but for the past two nights, there have been tears.
I'm really just unsure what to do. He says he needs me to need him and want him and lust after him. So even when I make a concerted effort to show him that I do want him, like I've been doing (I've initiated sex twice in the past week--not like me at all, btw--I bought lingerie and wore it just to watch television with him, I've been texting him little love messages about how I think he's sexy, I wrote him a poem) it seems to not matter because he says he still doesn't feel the lust. So what's the fucking point of even trying, is how I feel.
And last night, when we were looking at the first set of questions from The 7 Principles book, he wondered why I was reading the book at all. I told him "as a precaution," because even though it seemed like we only had this one problem (sexual incompatibility), it appeared to be growing, because it's ballooning, and because we've been arguing about it for years, I'm starting to feel worn out. Counseling and medication haven't helped the situation. We are still where we were 6 years ago when it comes to sex. He just doesn't choose to see it. He thinks it was more "up and down" a few years ago, and that just in the past two it's gotten worse.
It's funny how two people in the same relationship can see it in such different lights.
I've felt our relationship was just fine, aside from the sexual incompatibility, all along. But, for him, the sex is central. To his credit, the sex isn't "just sex." It's how he feels connection and love. So, I do understand that it's more than just the act itself. He says he's been working his ass off to save our marriage...by doing more around the house and helping out. But, seriously, though I appreciate the help and feel that it's only fair that he do his share of the housework, it isn't what's going to "save our marriage."
And right now, I'm not sure what is. I'm feeling weak and tired and exasperated. It seems like we are at an impasse. He feels that if he could just be happy with our sex life the way it is, our marriage would be fine. And it probably would. But, I know he won't be, so it's a moot point, really. I also feel that if I could just suddenly change into the sexual creature he needs me to be, we'd be fine. But, how the hell do I do that?!!! I've been trying for years! I've read books, I've used medications, I've gone to a counselor, I've tried "faking it until I make it...."
But he wants "adventure!" And, sort of unfortunately, I've given him that in the past. We've tried "swinging," but it was always fun for him and disappointing for me. It wasn't all bad, and I don't regret it, but, it just wasn't for me. But, he liked it. And now that he's had a taste of what it could be like, regular old marriage with regular old me just isn't satisfying. It's not so much that he liked sex with other women (although, let's be honest, he enjoyed that immensely), it's that he loved watching me unleash my sexuality. He loved doing it with me. He love sharing the experience. Anyone who has tried, or is currently in, that lifestyle would understand. If you haven't, it'll probably just make you say, "Ahhh...see...that's what wrong with them...he's a born cheat and he's just looking for a way to have his cake and eat it, too." And you'd be wrong.
The point is, he's had adventure. And I don't know how to create it for him inside our marriage with just me. I'm not sexually adventurous, Never have been. It's not that I don't like sex, because I do. It's that I'm just not creative about it. Maybe I should be reading that book instead..."Sexual Creativity for Dummies." Without that, it appears, his happiness is doomed. He simply can't and won't be happy without sex and lust and sexual adventure.
So, here I am, feeling guilty and at a loss. I've done all these things to help myself feel what he wants me to feel. But, I don't. Does that mean it's over? Because seriously, sometimes, especially during and after these arguments, I just feel emotionally exhausted. I'm tired of fighting about it. Tired of feeling helpless and inadequate. Tired of disappointing my husband and not feeling like I have a way to remedy the problem. Tired of feeling defeated.
And I think of walking away. Separating for awhile to just get away from the issue.
But, it wouldn't solve anything. Because I love him. I love him with every fiber of my being. I need him in my life. I cannot imagine not having him beside me. And it isn't habit or codependency. It's real love.
So, I'm frustrated. I don't know what the hell to do. All I know is...I'm tired of fighting.
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