On being a "secular" submissive wife

I've been married nearly 9 years. And though we've been defining ourselves as a couple (naturally and wordlessly, most of the time), we've come to learn a few things about ourselves.

1.  We choose to fall into standard gender roles. This isn't for everyone, and I wouldn't encourage anyone to take on gender roles (or any roles, for that matter) that do not help them to thrive.

2.  My husband is an alpha male. He is strong-willed and demands respect in a quiet and non-violent manner. I am his strong, female counterpart. When I am behind him, empowering him, he can be more successful, happier, and productive. His self-esteem rises, his self-image improves, and his confidence builds. When I am not behind him, he becomes moody...even angry, self-conscious, depressed, and weak in spirit and body.

3. I am a submissive wife. Not a submissive woman, mind you. I am submissive only to my husband, and only so far as it makes both of us happy. This submission is not religious. We are not Christian, and I do not prescribe to the Proverbs 31 lifestyle (though, I feel there is a lot to be learned from it (and I plan to research it in my next round of "35 Things"...though it will be "31 Things," obviously). This submission is sexual, psychological, and spiritual. He is my rock, and I am his core. We are like yin and yang, without one, the other can not be. And when one is weak, the other becomes so, too.

We've tried living the D/s lifestyle. We've experimented with "swinging." And we have yet to truly find something that works for us. Why? Well...because it's not in a book somewhere. And it's not clearly defined by society or religion. I can't just say, "I'm going to be a submissive wife...let me look that up on the internet and see what I have to do." I've done that research, and ALL of it is based in religion or BDSM.

My brand of submission is secular. And I suppose that since I can't find any information on it out there, I'll be defining it myself. Maybe, just maybe, that will help someone else who is in my same shoes.

So let's start here, with an explanation of "submission":

Full Definition of SUBMISSION

1

a :  a legal agreement to submit to the decision of arbitrators

b :  an act of submitting something (as for consideration or inspection); also:  something submitted (as a manuscript)

2

:  the condition of being submissive, humble, or compliant

3

:  an act of submitting to the authority or control of another

My husband and I DO have a legal agreement - as we are lawfully married. We were married by a judge, in a old schoolhouse, and we wrote our own vows based in Celtic hand-fasting tradition. We are both spiritual, though we do not define ourselves as Christian. I am basically non-denominational Pagan.

As for being humble or compliant...well, I'm neither of those things. Nor am I naturally submissive. I do not easily give in to authority or accept the control of others.

However, I'm learning something about myself, my husband, and how a man and woman interact. Or at least the may WE interact.

My husband needs me to NEED him. He needs me to support him, validate him, and make him feel like a man. What I tell him he is and encourage him to be, he can become. My belief in him is his power. When I put effort into building him up, he becomes stronger and more powerful. He also becomes more benevolent and feels more inclined to provide for me and "pamper" me.

I like to be taken care of. I like to feel protected and safe, in the arms of a man who loves and cherishes me above all else. When I build my husband up, he can do this. He WANTS to do this.

In this way, we are like a traditional D/s couple. I give my submission to him as a gift...one that can be taken away if he doesn't do his part to care for me. But, that comes with responsibility. I have to trust him. I have to accept his challenges to encourage me to grow spiritually and sexually. Through me and through his guidance of me and his protection of me, he becomes strong. Through him, and through my submission to him, I gain solace, because I can let go of fear. I can put my well-being in his hands.

Now, I know, there are thousands of women out there who would disagree with this whole "arrangement." And that's fine. It's not for everyone. But, I do feel we have lost something in our dogged battle for gender equality. We may be equal, be we are not the same.

In my marriage, we are both important decision-makers. I do not cow to him, and he does not force me to do his bidding. I allow him to take the reigns.

It's a lot of responsibility for him. A lot of pressure. And that pushes him to be a better man. He doesn't want to fail me or disappoint me. And so he rises to the occasion.

But when he cannot, it is not my place to berate him. It is my place to build him back up to a place of spiritual and psychological power.

And when I cannot, it is his obligation to console me, support me, and guide me back to a place of serenity.

Like any marriage, we have our own set of problems. And right now, our problems basically stem from our inability to define and live our natural dominant and submissive roles. I resist too often, which weakens him and weakens our connection. I push back, and he stops pushing altogether. He becomes weak, and I become disillusioned, disappointed.

When he is at his peak...his most powerful, I find him irresistible...in all ways. And I "behave." I want him...and I want to please him, because pleasing him makes him more powerful...and more irresistible.

When I'm on my best behavior, he wants to care for me...provide for me...pleasure me...spoil me.

When he is weak and I am ill-behaved...we are a mess.

And that's where we are right now.

So, how to get back to "good"? Well, "behaving" is a good start. Being a good wife. Doing the things that I know make him strong and happy.

Initiating intimacy is one way. And I'm proud to say that I not only wanted to, but did, last night. He's on swing shift and doesn't get into bed until nearly 2 a.m., but I did it anyway. And he immediately rose to the occasion. When I "play my part" well, and willingly...he "plays his part" equally well. And we are happy.

I love my husband, and since I want to save my marriage, really focusing on becoming the wife he needs is paramount. It isn't about losing myself, or being subjugated. It isn't about being a slave or being "less than." It's about being powerful force of feminine energy to compliment the male energy that flows through him. It's about being a goddess and knowing that what you say and do can make or break the man that you love.