I swear I must completely be missing something, because I feel like I'm "geting it." I'm reading up on it, I'm practicing concepts, I'm writing and really thinking about what's going on in our marriage, I'm going to doctors and using supplements and hormones, making our marriage and sex life a priority, and then...
He basically tells me he's unhappy and it feels like I'm doing nothing.
So, yeah...maybe it FEELS like I'm doing nothing. And apparently I have to do a better job of tracking things...when we have sex, when I feel desire, when we argue about it, why, what was said, by whom, when, why...
Because he's a master of pulling up the past. He's detail-oriented and never forgets anything. I'm "big picture"...the details are always muddy, and what happened 3 weeks ago feels like it happened yesterday- so I suppose I have no sense of time, either.
The two of us arguing would be comical, if I weren't one of the people involved.
I have to be honest, though. I'm tired of repeating myself. And I'm tired of hearing the same complaints out of him.
And when does he feel the need to bring it up? At 11 last night when I finally crawled into bed, exhausted. Fabulous timing, eh?
His complaint isn't the lack of sex...or my lack of desire...but how I show (or don't show) my desire. Apparently, I have to bluntly say, "I want you"...or..."I'm tired - I want you - but I'm too tired right now." I have to speak my feelings more. Okay. I can deal with that. I can try harder there.
But as far as his interest in involving other people (yes, we did a bit of "swinging" for a few years)...I think he's still hanging on to the hope. He wants to have an open relationship, and I don't. And the fact that I even experimented with it a few years ago has led him to believe that there is still hope. But when I say there isn't, he pouts.
I tell him I should never have even experimented, because it gave him false hope. This just makes him pout more.
He also seems hung up on the fact that it "seemed like I enjoyed myself." I've tried to explain that I wasn't lying. I enjoyed myself from time to time because I enjoyed how happy it made him. For me, it was mostly disappointing. A bunch of men who didn't know how to please me (or didn't care). A bunch of in-organic experiences that felt forced and fake, planned and awkward.
Really...swinging is an introvert's worst nightmare.
I'm not against organic, multiple couple experiences. I'm not ashamed to say I'm bi-sexual. I'm also not afraid to say that I'm attracted to people other than my husband. I don't have any problem with sexual experiences outside of marriage, as long as they are agreed upon. But, the difference between our thoughts on this are huge. I'm more of a "once in a blue moon" kind of gal when it comes to this. Whereas, he's a "let's do this daily and make these people our best friends" kind of guy. Problematic, to say the least. Basically...I think he's polyamorous. I'm not. I don't want to love anyone but him. I just don't mind occasional sex with others.
Okay. Enough of that for tonight. I'm exhausted. And tired of thinking about it. So, it's time for another glass of wine. His schedule changes tomorrow...and suddenly, I'm going to be sans husband for four nights a week (mainly my weekend). Yay. Not. This whole shift work thing does nothing for our marriage.
And we don't really need any more shit in that area of our life.
Yay for change, right?
No comments:
Post a Comment